Turpitude

I was holding my heart in my hand, and I didn't know what to do with it.

Surrounded by the open night sky and endless grass, I laid down on my back. I set my heart on my chest and felt it thump. Slowly, but surely. Feeling the beating of my own heart was a relief to say the least, but my insides felt empty and numb. I was emotionally drained. The vestiges of my semi-useful existence seemed to teeter around aimlessly.

I looked over to my left. The sky was clear. I looked over to my right. The sky was clear.

I didn't mind being forgotten. It was almost a routine; a constant motion of worrying about others, only to be forgotten in the end. It wasn't even the end though, yet I possessed no feeling of being wanted or needed. At this point, I could wander off into the abyss of abysses and no one would notice.

There was a void in me that I needed to fill. Not the empty space in my chest, that was normal. My heart had never belonged to me. It was something else. I needed to escape into myself and figure it out.

Tiny drops of rain started to fall all around me. I felt one against my cheek and another on my arm. I wanted to cry. Crying in the rain was my way of pretending to be okay. Knowing people, they wouldn't tell the difference. They wouldn't care enough to. But I couldn't cry. I closed my eyes and thought of you.

I felt your hand press down on my soul. It was cold, but I yearned it. I could feel you clawing at my remains. The feeling was ineffable; it was the finale of my detachment. I heard you whispering into my ear, but I couldn't make out the words. The rain was pouring harder and harder and I couldn't understand your voice. It became almost unrecognizable. The voice of a stranger, the voice of a lover, it all started to piece itself together.

My body opened itself up to you. Everything became yours, and you took it all. My heart, it was warm in your chest. I saw your smile for just a moment, and then you began to fade away.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so badly, but there was nothing for me to feel. The love you had given me wasn't gratuitous. I had unknowingly paid the ultimate price. I tried to mend the wounds, I tried to hold on to you.

As you faded away, I felt my heart thumping on my chest. It was still warm, but the rest of me was cold. The moment would be insuperable, and I was still laying in the grass. My perdition was coming soon. The rain pounded violently against my body.

Maybe I was going to die there, laying in the empty grass, staring at the empty sky.

I didn't care that I was bleeding. Blood flowed out from every nook of my being.

I pulled out my stitches and let go.