Alley Scene

This is an excerpt of a story I'm writing now. Sorry if you're confused. //this is not done.

            The street was dark and foggy tonight, stars fighting for the sky with pollutants from the surrounding factories. It was chilly, a sign of winter’s ever-strengthening grip. Sash shivered. Cut turned his head around to look at her and Sash reached for his hand. She placed it in his and he took it. Sash felt the calluses and cuts all over the inside of it, and she gripped it tightly. Catcalls and country music echoed throughout the alley from the surrounding clubs. The occasional man in stained clothes and with breath soaked in alcohol would stumble from the scuffed doorstep of a bar, murmuring to himself and tripping over his own feet. The flickering pools of light caused by the dull streetlamps were of little comfort, considering half of them were out and the rest were so dim only an area of two feet or so was illuminated. Sash picked up her page, still holding Cut’s hand. One of her feet got caught in a pile of slimy garbage and she pulled it out hastily to prevent the sludge from soaking her shoe. They continued walking in silence, taking the occasional turn on to a new narrow street every once in a while. Sash was comforted, not for the first time, by Cut’s tight and leading grip on her hand. She met the eyes of an alley cat. Its seemingly moon-wide yellow eyes chilled her to the bone and she shivered yet again. For the first time since they’d entered the heart of the city, Cut glanced over at her with a bit of concern in his eyes. That concern caught Sash off guard, however little it was—she wasn’t used to Cut showing that emotion, no matter the situation. He quickly looked away at the map and turned suddenly. It was then that they heard increasingly loud voices, sounding discordant, like they were arguing.

Cut reached into his pocket without words, and grabbed a shotgun. He silently loaded it and pointed it at the ground, ready to shoot. It made Sash a little nervous, but Cut had years and years of experience with guns. Plus, she’d seem him to more violent things than load a gun. Together, they crept as quietly as they could further down the street. When they were directly around the corner from the voices, they hid behind a wall and listened. 

“…Yes, but she’s his daughter! Boss probably cares about that.”

And then…

“We won’t have to kill her, just get her unconscious just so we can take her back to the Factory without her knowing where it is.”

“What do you mean, not kill her?!”

Cut and Sash were at a loss for words. They were both thinking, whom are they talking about? In all of their research and intelligence so far, there was nothing about a girl, being killed or kidnapped. And in terms of Boss’s daughter, well, picturing such a compassionless man with a daughter was impossible. They exchanged a speedy glance before focusing on the conversation again. 

Author's Note

I'm a bit apprehensive about putting this online, but it's not my whole story. //please note that this is a very rough sketch of part of a scene. I might finish it up later. PLEASE REVIEW IF YOU READ.

Reviews

This grabbed my attention as an interesting scene, though I noticed in the first paragraph that you referred to how the Sash and Cut held hands a lot. Try to cut this down to the bare essentials and put most, if not all, of it in one place. The streetlamp description read as a little wordy to me so maybe you could say that "the flickering pools of light from the few working streetlamps were of little comfort" or something to that effect. Readers, as a general rule, prefer getting to the action fairly quickly and that long first paragraph might put them off. Despite the fact that I sound like I'm picking apart your work, I like it and think this could be very well-written if you look over it a few times. Good luck with the rest of your story!

[Lauren Marie]

First of all, some basics:
"Plus, she'd seem him to more violent things than load a gun." It should be "do."
And, "It made Sash a little nervous ..." Okay, so you told us that she was nervous. But could you show us, instead? Her eyes darted about, her breath quickened, her hands grew clammy ... small indications showing us that she is nervous.

And don't worry about putting this online. I'll relay a message that my friend, Drew Wade, wrote to me:
"the reason I say post your novel is because of three things:

1. writers cafe dates everything and attributes it to you automatically, and will stick up for you in court IF God forbid, something like that did happen.

2. it's very hard to successfully plagiarize these days. just type in a direct quote into google and you'll find yours somewhere on the list.

3. it's very hard to get published.. so, even if someone steals it, it doesn't mean they'll have any success with it."

Hope that helped.
And I loved your scene, it makes me want to read the rest of the story!
~Lauren

[Jordyn K. Jansa]

I actually think it's fine the way it is. After this you should skip and go to another scene in another place. Maybe in the daughter's P.O.V. Or Cut's.

[Sarah Brayton.]

Thanks so much everyone :). It's really helpful.

[HoWiE]

Hey there, an interesting little snippet. There is a certain amount of mystery that surrounds this piece and I think it shows promise. As you say, it's a rough sketch of a part of a scene and I definately think that you have the bare bones of something quite good here. Good luck with your writing and welcome to the Cafe! Cheers - Howie ;)

[The Ugly Rose]

Mysterious, descriptive, and alluring. It's a great start for what you're trying to accomplish :)