Unhappiness

In this chapter, things go downhill once again.

On Friday, August 12, change proved its "inevitable dark side" once again. I went over to the apartment and spent the duration of my time there watching J.C. sleep. I had no problem with that--like I said before, he was adorable when he was asleep--but at the same time, my heart was heavy as I anticipated the conversation that I was going to be having with him when he woke up.

 

He received a phone call that evening informing him that one of his great aunts had died; shortly after that, he decided to go see his grandfather, who was reportedly not taking the news very well. I understood this, of course, so having to make the drive back to Alto earlier than I had expected to didn't really come as a totally crushing blow.

 

He walked me to my car the way he always did, and we hugged and kissed. Really, there was just one thing that made this occasion different from all the others.

 

He didn't tell me that he loved me.

 

Not wanting to walk away without the "L" word having been said (I always hate doing that; after all, you never know when you're going to have your last chance to say it), I made the move to say it first...a declaration to which he--thankfully--responded by stating, "I love you, too."

 

I gave him one more hug and then opened my car door. Before I sat down, I just stood there and looked at him for a few moments, debating on whether or not to go ahead and tell him what had been weighing on my mind. He asked me what was up, and as soon as he spoke, I chickened out of telling him everything verbally and instead responded that I would just text him about it later on.

 

Shortly after I began the drive back to Alto, I texted him and said, "Hey, hun." Much to my delight, his response was identical to mine, and for a moment, I thought that maybe it was silly for me to have been worrying so much and that maybe there wasn't really anything that needed to be discussed. As the conversation continued, however, he asked me what I had needed to talk to him about...and I decided to just put on my big-girl pants and do what I had been intending to do all along.

 

Once again, I am unable to recall the exact words that I used. I do know, however, that the general idea of my question was whether or not he really loved me and was serious about me and wanted to continue being with me.

 

His reply unleashed the waterworks almost immediately. He confirmed that he loved me, "but I'm not happy like we used to be."

 

It was a rough drive home. As J.C. and I continued to text, I probed him for answers as to what exactly was making him so unhappy and what I needed to do so that he wouldn't be unhappy anymore. To my dismay, he was not really able to give me any answers; he didn't know exactly what was wrong, and he didn't know exactly how to fix it.

 

I texted Fuller throughout the duration of the trip home; he did the best that he could to try and help me make sense of the situation, but when it all came down to it, he was just about as confused as me. Upon arriving back to Alto, I went to the home of two friends, Haley and Michael, and got their input on the situation as well. As much as they tried, they were even less help than Fuller, given the fact that they simply did not know J.C. (Haley had only met him one time the previous month).

 

In the days that followed, I spoke with other people close to me about the situation, including J.C.'s mother. She--and everyone else-encouraged me to just give him time and let him figure out whatever it was that he needed to figure out. I told her that J.C. had told me that he didn't want me to give up, and she responded by saying that, "he means it."

 

Eventually, I decided to stop trying to talk things out with him and follow everyone's advice. It was hard to refrain from texting him--especially when I was lying in bed at night. I had grown extremely used to texting him at that time, and falling asleep without doing so was very difficult and felt so weird.

 

On the night before I started school at the end of August, I texted him and asked if I could come see him before I went to class. Thankfully, he agreed, and it didn't take very much convincing at all before he did. I fell asleep praying to God that everything would work itself out over the course of the time that J.C. and I spent together the following day.