Fears and Future Talk

This chapter discusses some of my main fears about the pregnancy situation, as well as some of the things that J.C. and I ended up discussing as far as our future was concerned.

As happy as I was about having J.C. back in my life and everything, I also found myself experiencing a great deal of fear. Upon revealing to me that his ex had cheated on him, J.C. had declared, "I can't do that anymore; I'm done." He had also done more than enough to prove to me that I was the one he truly cared about and wanted to be with. As much as I wanted to believe that we were going to be okay...well, like I said, I was experiencing a great deal of fear. Regardless of how adamant he was about being totally done with her, I was so scared that she was going to wind up luring him back into her grasp. And I was most certainly not up for losing him again.

 

Obviously, that baby was not going to be my child. However, I did intend to be as involved with him or her as I possibly could. And while I was able to feel a sense of excitement about that, I was also very nervous. After all, a baby would be a big responsibility to even help take care of. I knew that I would never be that child's mother, and I vowed that I would never even try to be; no one would ever be able to measure up to her in their eyes. however, I also knew that I probably would end up being a pretty large part of that child's life...and I was very concerned about whether or not I would seriously be good enough for him or her.

 

From the very first moment that I found out about the baby, I had vowed that I would never feel any type of resentment toward him or her...even if things between J.C. and me were complicated by them or even completely extinguished. I was able to do that for the most part, but I slipped up a couple of times. For instance, I feared that once he or she was born, J.C. would be so busy taking care of him or her (on top of work and all of the other demands that he had to meet) that he wouldn't have any time left to devote to me or our relationship.

 

My biggest fear involving the baby was that he or she was going to make J.C. fall in love with his ex again. We never actually discussed it, but I had a feeling that he would be in the delivery room when the due date rolled around. And how could you not fall in love with someone after watching them give birth to your first son or daughter? I had several people tell me that they didn't think I had anything to worry about, but even so...I couldn't help but worry, nonetheless.

 

Then, there were fears involving the ex-girlfriend. I worried that she would not even permit me to be around her child, that we would never be able to behave in a civil fashion toward one another, and that she would lead to the ultimate demise of my relationship with J.C.

 

It wasn't long before I  had another fear to add to my list. On the evening of June 6, I was watching the new episode of 'The Secret Life of the American Teenager' while getting ready to go to Lufkin with Kara to hang out with our friend, Leon, at his apartment.

 

In that particular episode, Ben and Adrian's baby girl is stillborn. For some reason, that scene hit me like a ton of bricks and reduced me to tears. Oh, my God...that could happen to J.C.'s baby! It was something that I had actually never considered up until that point in time...but now that the thought had entered my mind, I knew it wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. Oh, my God...what if that does happen to J.C.'s baby?

 

He just happened to text me as I sat there in tears, my eyes still glued to the sobbing faces of the characters as the song 'Angel,' by Sarah McLachlan, played in the background. I texted him back and told him about the episode and how it was making me (and my mother, who actually experienced a stillbirth) cry, but refrained from telling him about my fears that something of that nature would happen to his child. Although I didn't plan on telling him the real reason behind my reaction to the fate of Ben and Adrian's daughter, I did ask to see him when he got off work, simply stating that I just felt like I needed to.

 

We met up in the parking lot of the Taco Bell restaurant on Timberland Drive, not far from Leon's apartment, where he and Kara were still hanging out. We just sat in his truck and had what I consider to be one of our most wonderful conversations. It was a conversation about our future; the first really serious one that we had had. We discussed getting married and building a house--out of either log or stone--on my parents' land and eventually having our own children together.

 

I was overjoyed to know that he was actually happy enough with me to actually be able to picture himself staying with me for the rest of his life and making everything that we had discussed a reality. Before our time together that night ended, I told him that in the event that things ever changed; in the event that he realized that he was no longer happy with me--I wanted him to tell me as soon as he started feeling that way. He said that he would, which came as a relief to me. At the same time, though, I didn't really think there was very much of a point in having him confirm that...because as far as I could tell, he wasn't going to stop feeling happy with me anytime soon...or even anytime at all.