breathless

my words are poorly placed upon the page
for they are laced with pain
(therefore jagged, ragged)

I rip the lines out from under my skin
(throwing them in and mixing them up)
I cup the water that is falling from my eyes
but the salt does little to disguise the wound inside

 

 

How inconvenient the heart (can be)
often refusing to see
Cruelty.

 

 

Don’t be cruel to me I could say
but that wouldn’t make the pain go away.

So I cut the phrases from between gasps of my breath
(I shiver from the slivers in my throat)
knowing everything I ever wrote
has died (from lack of breath)

 

 

For you took away the air when you left.

Reviews

[Marc Mccune]

superb.
This reminds me of something I wrote, about thoughts on the page being mere iceberg tips.
your words poorly placed on the page, being ripped from under your skin, where the thought behind them remains. And only one who would truly know you, could know the thoughts that go with the written words.

and the last stanza..."everything I ever wrote has died".

[Yira Simone]

This was very good!!! I loved the imagery and the wording. You did very good with writing this poem. This is a fav for me.

[Ragdoll]

oh, i like this.. and the last line is breathless, the idea that this person has taken the very air from your existence.. painful indeed.

peace,
~Cat

[Tylernol]

I'm really starting to like your work.

The first couple lines...I've felt that before.

Well done :]

[Mandi L. Vaughan: The S..]

I love this...

I have no other words to say, save Thank You.

[Nihad Dweidary]

Painfully sad.. I know the feeling of writing with tears in your eyes, feeling as your heart is being ripped from your chest, and that you can breathe no more. Your poem appealed to me in more ways than one, because I sometimes wondered why I felt that way when I did.

Favorite lines:

"I rip the lines out from under my skin
(throwing them in and mixing them up)"

Thank you, Kara, for taking the time to send me such a wonder in words.

Love,

Nihad

[Rc R. Vagilidad]

This poem is very deep with unusual emotion.

I can't actually write a poem without air in my lungs, literally! lol

But this was presented in great depthness and though gave a very nice intimacy of wondering.

PS-just an interpretation.

[Crystal]

The way you placed your rhymes just slides the reader from one line to the next. You have such a genuine way of expressing yourself.

How inconvenient the heart (can be)
often refusing to see
Cruelty.

That line says so much to me.
And the last line quite honestly made me skip a breath. I love it!

[Dante Sedulous]

This is borderline brilliant poetry, excellent word choices like jagged and ragged and then salt and wound in the same line. Such pictures painted! All of that is really commendable.

I like the meter, very smooth. However, I thought the use of parentheticals was a little overdone. Too descriptive for my tastes, sorry.

For instance "(can be)" actually detracts from the power of that whole stanza. It wants to be read like,

"How inconvenient the heart
often refusing to see
Cruelty."

Presumptuous of me, I know, but you want the unvarnished truth, right?

By taking away the parenthetical (can be), the line "How inconvenient the heart" allows for placement of innumerable parentheticals within the reader's mind: (might be) (would be) (ought to be) (is hoping) (etc) (etc).

You're the writer, put the parentheticals whereever the f you want them. All I am saying is that by leaving it ambiguous you add to your power because it demands the reader to interpret the absence of qualification. A parenthetical leaves but one interpretation. Whereas, the other option is infinite. Likewise, I felt the exact same way about "(from lack of breath)". It subtracted meaning for me rather than added.

But, when it works, it works. "(therefore jagged, ragged)" blends artfully with "laced with pain" and makes for startling imagery, not to mention the assonance and alliteration involved, quite nice. Also, "(I shiver from the slivers in my throat)" is f-ing brilliant! That would be my favorite line, if not for the fact that I like "For you took away the air when you left." just a teensy bit better.

Finally, the way the metaphors link and build from line to line is impressive. Nice work :-)

[Shane Rendon]

OMG... this is amazing. Did you write this or type it? It has a written feel. That makes it more personal (in my opinion anyway)
"How inconvenient the heart (can be)"
AHHHHH.... I feel it
There is so much more I want to pull out, but there is way too much.
Love it.
-Shane