breathless

my words are poorly placed upon the page
for they are laced with pain
(therefore jagged, ragged)

I rip the lines out from under my skin
(throwing them in and mixing them up)
I cup the water that is falling from my eyes
but the salt does little to disguise the wound inside

 

 

How inconvenient the heart (can be)
often refusing to see
Cruelty.

 

 

Don’t be cruel to me I could say
but that wouldn’t make the pain go away.

So I cut the phrases from between gasps of my breath
(I shiver from the slivers in my throat)
knowing everything I ever wrote
has died (from lack of breath)

 

 

For you took away the air when you left.

Reviews

[Marc Mccune]

superb.
This reminds me of something I wrote, about thoughts on the page being mere iceberg tips.
your words poorly placed on the page, being ripped from under your skin, where the thought behind them remains. And only one who would truly know you, could know the thoughts that go with the written words.

and the last stanza..."everything I ever wrote has died".

[Rachel P. Salamone]

i love how scattered i assume this was meant to be but how cleverly it ties in together. my favorite out of the ones ive read of yours so far.

[Alicia]

The ending did it for me. wow.... fave.

[0]

Painful agony drips in brilliant form, from your words. Love the subtle rhyme inside the lines. Great writing!

[Mary Elizabeth Meade St..]

A wonderful write you have penned here! The flow is perfect...wonderful imagery conveyed throughout. Superb rhythm!Excellent use of metaphors! Many will be able to relate with this on some level! Very emotive! Thanks so much for sharing! Enjoyed reading very much!

[J. Alfred Prufrock]

i'm sorry, i love you work but for me this one was a little off and did not understand some of the logic. i have to disagree with Gerald, NIhad and Drew. i love the meter and the details for the most part. though i take issue with your use of parenthesis. i generallyreserve them for asides. or things said under the breath generally whole thoughts, sepreate from thethe main thought being expressed, and you seem to be using them for "parts" of thoughts, and i am not really sure it works well, though i admit i'm not certain what you were trying to accomplish. i was with you for the most part up until you mention the salt not disguising the wound. "but" in this context seems to indicate some sort of contradiction to what is expected. as if the salt should have disguised the wound "but" does not. but i'm not sure why salt should be expected to hide a wound. so there seems to be no real contradiction. i read the other reviews and no one mentioned this so i am not sure if i am missing something. but as far as i know salt is not used to cover wounds.

(throwing them in and mixing them up) is another part that that seemed a little awkward. i get your drift and understand what you were trying to get out, i just think this idea could be illustrated a little better, to get the meaning accross. i'm left ondering "in" what? also, again, the perenthesis seem out of place. please write me and letme know what you are trying to do with all the parenthesis. i'm sure you had a reason and were trying to do something but i am missing it.

these two cruels:

often refusing to see
Cruelty.
Don�t be cruel to

are too close togther. its ok for two the same or similiar words to be close together, for internal rhyme, you just have to make sure that the are incerted in places where the natural rise and fall of the rhythm dictate, so that is does not seem forced or awkward. overal this is an interesting concept and i like the mood it crates very well. i see theis world unfolding. other than the issues immentioned, i really like it alot. i hope these thoughts and suggestions are helpful. cheers

[Kenny Blade]

The subject may have left, but he didn't kill the writing that was left behind. This was a very moving piece. Great work.

Peace
KBlade

[Creepy Swine Guy]

"I cup the water that is falling from my eyes
but the salt does little to disguise the wound inside "

That line along with the last, are in my opinion, the frame upon which this poem stands. They are powerful and tell me above all other lines, what is happening. That you hurt... how you hurt.

I'm not crazy about the parens. I think the lines in parens are solid parts of the poem and I don't understand why you've cut them apart from the rest with the parens. Would love to know why. Might be just me being dense.

[Leah Simone]

This aches and I feel the agony of your words. You expressed yourself beautifully. -Leah

[Teresa Gunn]

This is heartbreaking. After reading this I want to hug you.

I love the in-line rhyming of "jagged, ragged" and "shiver from the slivers" - it really adds to the flow of this piece.

[Drew Mclachlan]

my words are poorly placed upon the page
for they are laced with pain
(therefore jagged, ragged)
I rip the lines out from under my skin
(throwing them in and mixing them up)


great line, keep em coming.