breathless

my words are poorly placed upon the page
for they are laced with pain
(therefore jagged, ragged)

I rip the lines out from under my skin
(throwing them in and mixing them up)
I cup the water that is falling from my eyes
but the salt does little to disguise the wound inside

 

 

How inconvenient the heart (can be)
often refusing to see
Cruelty.

 

 

Don’t be cruel to me I could say
but that wouldn’t make the pain go away.

So I cut the phrases from between gasps of my breath
(I shiver from the slivers in my throat)
knowing everything I ever wrote
has died (from lack of breath)

 

 

For you took away the air when you left.

Reviews

[Marc Mccune]

superb.
This reminds me of something I wrote, about thoughts on the page being mere iceberg tips.
your words poorly placed on the page, being ripped from under your skin, where the thought behind them remains. And only one who would truly know you, could know the thoughts that go with the written words.

and the last stanza..."everything I ever wrote has died".

[Rachel Cowan]

This poem stood out from the rest of all the other submissions.
The imagery is bloody brilliant "I rip the lines out from under my skin ". This is exactly how I feel every time i write but ironically never found the words to describe it.
Doesn't follow a rule or a pattern which is what writing is really about thank you for submitting your work I truly enjoyed it, feel inspired .

[Abhra]

Fabulous!!! This is an exotic piece!! I just love the last two lines. Thanks for sharing.

[Barry S. Maltese]

nice job. I love the way you play with the meter, and get your feelings across with style. Your pain flows like the last breaths of this poem - in a beautiful whisper.

[K Antonacci]

This is a beautiful piece. I like the form, and how not all the lines are the same length of words. I tend to like the kind that switch from ten or so words down to three or so. I really like this.
Great job!
Love,
K

[Lucy Cypher]

I read this as a love poem. It is sad that we often make excuses for the cruely, but embracing the pain and writing about it isone of the blessings.
" cup the water that is falling from my eyes
but the salt does little to disguise the wound inside"
This is a beautiful image.

[Matthew Leo Hoffart]

I really like this one,

"For you took away the air when you left." is my favorite line, I think.

Obviously not the most technical or overtly talented line in this, because there's a lot that could have been awkward, but wasn't. Great words, and great use of parenthesis.

I like parenthesis.

[A. Highly. Addictive. S..]

This was an amazing piece. You had my attention from the very beginning with this one. I truly loved every line that I read.

my words are poorly placed upon the page
for they are laced with pain
-therefore jagged, ragged-

So I cut the phrases from between gasps of my breath

:-)

[Tom Delio]

I love how many different ways this piece can be taken, yet all towards the same general subject. I don't even know if what I just said made any sense.

"my words are poorly placed upon the page
for they are laced with pain "
~ outstanding. truly outstanding.

[The Last Smythe]

wow.

"So I cut the phrases from between gasps of my breath "

man, i love that line.

beautiful!

[[untitled]]

How inconvenient the heart (can be) often refusing to see cruelty... good line here.