breathless

my words are poorly placed upon the page
for they are laced with pain
(therefore jagged, ragged)

I rip the lines out from under my skin
(throwing them in and mixing them up)
I cup the water that is falling from my eyes
but the salt does little to disguise the wound inside

 

 

How inconvenient the heart (can be)
often refusing to see
Cruelty.

 

 

Don’t be cruel to me I could say
but that wouldn’t make the pain go away.

So I cut the phrases from between gasps of my breath
(I shiver from the slivers in my throat)
knowing everything I ever wrote
has died (from lack of breath)

 

 

For you took away the air when you left.

Reviews

[Marc Mccune]

superb.
This reminds me of something I wrote, about thoughts on the page being mere iceberg tips.
your words poorly placed on the page, being ripped from under your skin, where the thought behind them remains. And only one who would truly know you, could know the thoughts that go with the written words.

and the last stanza..."everything I ever wrote has died".

[Charles D. Moorer]

Losing in love seems to last forever. You have capture the essense of loss. Nicely done.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

Here we go again, I had to read this three times while composing myself as what to say, your sad emotions that are so well describe take my breath away... I love how you refer to everything you wrote died, that is how it does feel when a relationship ends, all the sudden everything you said to that person seems like wasted breath cause it has no barring on the future now... but overall the whole set up like using parentheses to the line breaks along with your well placed words which do mean a lot make this another wonderfully written poem by you... and a reason you are one of my favorite writers and human beings.

[Christina2]

"For you took away the air when you left"

That is an incredible line. Well worth read of a loss, better explained with breath than thought, if that makes any sense. When a love is lost..... it just rips away at the whole being of who we are. The whole poem is delicious with feeling, and please remember, that "this too shall pass", feel it, let the feelings pass, and feel the next one and the next one... thanks for sharing.

[The Outlaws' Song]

Impressive.Your style is so unique and wonderful.Great work!

[SweetPeachesAlways]

Wow! Like a quick suckerpunch to the stomach! Snap! Powerful writing, poignantly written, dynamic imagery! Wow. Good write!

knowing everything I ever wrote
has died (from lack of breath)
I LOVE THIS LINE...

[Mike; The Lone Maverick]

Dramatic and sweeping. The composition itself as far as line and meter go is very expermential. You have a habit of romanticizing everything to the point where you want the reader to weep for you. That is sign of a good writer.

[Megan]

Wow, I find this poem intense. I really enjoy the force in it. You did an excellent job in expressing such a fierce emotion!

[Chase Alexander]

Dang. From start to finish, I was both in awe and decently disgusted. I love the whole concept, and the imagery was very good; up front and vivid. This is a very wonderful piece, and the only thing I have to say is that I think the parenthesis aren't necessary and don't look very good in poetry. But hey! Poetry is a form of art. Do whatever makes it art.

And this, my friend, is some freaking good art.

-Chase Alexander

[Jessica Lohman]

You poem is remarkably original. I enjoyed the passion contained in the words and clusters and the thoughts you express under the normal thoughts.

When one is going through so much and feelings and emotions and expereince and inspiration in jumbled, there is reckless havoc going on in the mind. You capture this. I enjoyed the read. Thank you.

[Luke Brooks]

Don�t be cruel to me
- I could say -
but that wouldn�t make the pain go away.
So I cut the phrases from between gasps of my breath
(I shiver from the slivers in my throat)
knowing everything I ever wrote
has died (from lack of breath)

I can just feel the consuming pain in this.
Whenever I read a really painful piece like this my breath gets short.
I really try to put myself in poem.
But I think the title is very appropriate.

Congrats on winning the contest.
You deserved it.