Darkness

Sonnet I wrote with a prompt of darkness (I think... I'll get back to you on that) T__T

 

Under the blanket smell of midnight,

Circles surround the whispering road here

And destiny's deafening masked skylight

Fills me with tales of the celestial sphere.

The wind rips me from my sanctuary,

Away from my body, into dead silence,

Heav'n is the unworthy adversary

To its charcoal heart I cry abhorrence

And with these packaged wings I soar above;

Where they cannot effect me with their sins

Where rain can kiss skin freely and write of

This place upon which a story begins,

One which planned to start oh so long ago

Once which has lied and now upset the flow.

 

Author's Note

tell me what you think!!! I wrote it for english class. XDD how can i improve it? =D

Reviews

[Jeberle]

Very well written. It gave me chills, probably because I always associate the word "abhorrence" with Frankenstein. I really liked some of the lines in here, like "The wind rips me from my sanctuary," "charcoal heart." I also liked the rhyme. I generally detest rhyme, but here it worked well, without intruding on the subject. You were able to control it, which is impressive. Still, as much as I hate to kill your rhyme, I would suggest that you move "and write of" down to the beginning of the next line. "Where rain can kiss skin freely" is such a potent line, that you don't want to drag it down with that extra bit. Also, you never want to end a line with a word like "of" - always strive to end with a strong word that will drive the reader to read the next line.

Once again, a great piece of poetry. Keep it up!

[Kaye]

It seems so very old english! =D The metaphor is beautiful. Lots of great description. It's seeming sorta sonnet though, so I feel an obligation to hiss at it from the corner of my room, but it's very well written.
I adore your first line! =D "Blanket smell of midnight" = perfect.
Also, I do not believe "silence" rhymes with "ahborrence" but I won't tell Shakespeare if you won't >.>