Pigment

A poem about racism in America. I tried a different style here, and I'm not 100% sure of the structure, but feel free to adds your thoughts!

On the block he strolls, headphones in and music blaring,
Unaware of his predator, slowly anticipating
The perfect moment to seize and attack
For no other reason but because he is black

The villain emerges, from the the side of the road
Overtaking the shadow of the harmless fellow
Baring the glint of a polished glock,
he's hungry for power, be sure not to stop


The innocent party turns to enquire,
'why are you following me, I wish to decipher'
The suited beast puffs loudly in retort,
'you corrupt our country, with an evil purport!'

The former puzzles,
as his gaze meets the badge,
of a trusted and well known American policeman.

'I'm sorry officer, have I done you wrong? For all I was doing was strolling along'
Wild with rage, the latter remarks
'how dare you believe that you are worthy of that!'

He brandishes the pistol,
and points it at thee,
with a look in his eyes that confirm his ideals.

'For once and for all, I must see you go on, for I've had with your type for much too long!'

As sure as he was,
he embraced the trigger,
and sent forth a ricochet of deafening shivers.

The innocent fellow,
drops slowly to his knees,
As he nurses his hands over his fatal injury.

A hole in his stomach, for no valid reason
The villain he smirks
and enjoys his execution.

Collecting the soul
of the innocent departed,
he flees in the night
with the murder pardoned.

The family wake to the crushing news,
That their loving son Jacob fell victim to abuse,
Shot in the stomach for the colour of his skin,
every second I grow anxious of the world that we're in. 

Photo source: Streetetiquette

Author's Note

Any feedback on this poem would be deeply appreciated. I am new to poetry, and would love some constructive criticism so I can grow! Please ignore the structure, I wasn't sure how it should go. Thank you!

Reviews

[Norman 223]

The content of this poem is superb, as it builds up inexorably to its climax. At the same time it shows the fallacy of so called justice and racial bigotry.
The first two verses have a good consistent rhythm which build up the tension if you could maintain it that pace, it would make the piece more effective.
Short lines have the effect of speeding up the action and also can create a " shock effect", which Is what i feel is your aim, but the lengthy lines tend to slow down this effect.

A good test, that I always apply to my own writing is to read it aloud. You will see the effect.

[Dahlia]

I am so happy to see that you have reviewed my work! I am new on here and discovered one of your poems, to which I was blown away. So your words are so deeply appreciated, and taken with determination to become a better poet. I tried fixing It a little, making most of the verses for lines (2 are maybe 3 lines long) id love to know if it made any improvement to the readability of it. Again, thank you so so much for taking the time to review my work, it really does mean so much.

[Dahlia]

Four lines*

[Coyote Poetry]

You wrote of things that had happen in the USA. Racism is a never-ending battle. Your words felt honest and strong. Hate and violence. One of men great sins. Thank you for sharing the powerful poetry.
Coyote

[Malmalo]

Black live's matter too :) i enjoyed this poem very much. It tells a story in a distinctively pleasant way, the dialogue, oh... well, this would be more aesthetically pleasing if you put it in shorter chunks, like paragraphs .. it seems a bit too cluttered to me, you wouldn't want your readers to strain right?

[Dahlia]

Thank you so much! Your comment is deeply appreciated. About the structure- I had intially posted posted this in structured paragraphs , but from transferring it from my phone to here it's just chunked together, making it harder to read. I will fix this now, thank you again!
Dahlia