Code White

A "poem" about a stay in the psych ward when I got myself into some serious trouble.

My favourite colour used to be blue.

That changed suddenly for no particular reason,

except I was surrounded by it

during the worst week of my life.

Fired from my job, but, well,

I f*****g hated that place.

The customers, screaming,

the pressure, the spying.

No, I'm not being paranoid.

Yes, I am schizophrenic.

But we all knew

that we were being watched.

They told us. They would play

back recordings from phone

conversations for "quality assurance"

and that was why I was fired.

They picked the worst call possible

to QA. I had five minutes left,

the guy was a field technician...

I'm way off topic.

Let's just say, the next morning

My login didn't work, and my stuff

was in a box. Surprise,

HR wanted to see me!

I was escorted out. Yes, I admit it,

I cried, even though I was secretly

very happy they gave me an excuse to leave,

so I didn't let anyone down by quitting.

The next day it hit me hard,

I'm my own worst enemy.

So I took out a blade, and, well,

slashed the s**t out of my legs.

I had to go to the hospital.

I was losing it, and needed stitches.

The ER doc's told me to live with the scars.

I still have them. A constant reminder.

I was escorted to the psych ward,

oh so familiar for me.

I was angry, at everyone, everything.

They put me in isolation.

Isolation is different than Seclusion

as the bathroom isn't locked, it has no door.

There is no camera inside, and no door

coming into the room, either.

Security sat outside my room, 24/7.

Then I fucked up. I refused meds.

You don't do that on an involuntary hold.

A nurse approached me with a syringe.

I just gave in. I could use the sleep.

Something then happened, and I remember

the room spinning, my limbs flailing, crying out.

No, no, no, no, stop, please stop!

Get her arm! Grab her leg!

Code white! (Violent patient)

Me? Code white! More security comes.

I'm not resisting. They get the restraints on.

The restraints are heavy leather,

they come undone with a magnet,

not a buckle. But I'm tiny, and I

 got my wrists out before the Haldol hit.

I woke up to yelling. How the hell?

They let me out to watch me pee.

My favourite nurse said she cried

when she saw me tied up and drugged.

I took my medication. I was still bound

to my bed by a strap over my abdomen.

But I had no fight left,

even though it would have been so easy.

Author's Note

I haven't slept in 2 days