WHY CONFORMITY IS AN EVIL.

This is a small summary of a small part of what has transpired in my life and how helpless i sometimes feel.

A terrible truth hit me recently. To explain That truth i will have to talk about how i have lived my life. All throughout my life I had done something,something really bad.
 I had always done things in life only because i was told that i had to do it,never realizing what
 adverse consequences that would have on my entire life.

 I have a strangely vivid memory of my childhood.Right from nursery I was told to do things just
   because people said that's what is actually done "by everyone".And being an innocent child like everyone else at that age i began doing something that was slowly going to become the worst habit a human being can ever get into. i started doing things just because i had to. it became a habit - a life long habit.And we all know that its easy to get rid of a habit that u have gotten into a few months back or an year or two back. but what bout a habit that u have throughout your life. how does one deal with that!!!! so here i was only a few years old and going to a nursery. right from the first day onwards i knew i didnt like it at all. in fact i hated everything and mind u, i actually have a very vivid memory of even my nursery days. that goes to show how bad an experience that would have been.Because in life u tend to remember the bad experiences a bit more than the good ones. hell !! thats how u learn!! so yes, here i was complaining to my mom, " mommy mommy i dont want to go there. its a bad place. i dont like it there. everyone is bad". Now that was the first time this bad habit started entering into my life. i thought "OK, i have told my mommy that i dont want it so i guess i wont have to do it anymore." hahahaha!!!  aahh!! the innocence and naivety of a child!! mom had a loving but clearly firm reply ready - "son, u have to!!"
    
    so the year passed with many such instances where i got the answer - " u have to.because 'everyone' does it".And i used to wonder, "who are these 'everyones'. I m sure if i can talk to them i can convince them to not do these things." so next came kindergarten. And i dont know if i should blame others or should just blame myself for not liking it there as well. i was again like, "mommy i dont want to", and then
 came the reply "you have to ". OK i agree. If it werent for kindergarten i would have perhaps not known the alphabets and would not have been able to write all this but it was something that was forced down the gullet rather than eased into the brain and thats where the problem starts. it was the same case in 1st grade and then second and then third and so on. And then i never realised when i had started compromising in life. It Never hit me. maybe i was too immature to realise or maybe too ignorant to introspect. i would do things that was considered a norm. Things that the majority did in their life. never once did i question the over rated nature of being normal,of being one with the crowd.the reason
 was simple. i now had the habit of doing things that i had to do. never thinking about what i wanted in life even for an instance. conformity and convention had made me a person who now had a bad habit of only doing things that just had to be done and not living a life the way it  should be lived.
   
    after my junior college or 12th standard i joined an engineering college because the only other option(according to my life's bad habit) was medical science and that was beyond my reach thanks to a low percentage.i joined the engineering college, did pretty decently well till the third year. Then something happened. I suddenly realised that i was at that point of my life where i was about to follow a path that  would shape my entire life.I realised ,probably three years late, that i was going to choose what i would be doing in my entire life. And then i asked myself , " i have studied engineering (or what they teach in the engineering course in india)for three years. Is this what i want throughout  my life?" And the answer to that was a career changing 'NO'.
    
    After my engineering i joined a course in computer graphics.yes that was what i was passionate about.so i thought for the first time in my life,'let me do what i wanted to do.' so here i am doing what "i want" to do.But by now the terrible truth that hit me recently became quite clear. And the terrible truth was - "I CANT DO IT" ...... i cant do what i wanted to do because it has not been forced upon me.I have become a person who does things because he has to do it which is why i cant do what i want to do. But i want to do it!! but my mind is just not doing what my heart wants. it keeps on giving an error of sorts. it keeps saying "noone is forcing you to do it hence i cant do it."  It seems i am doomed.Conformity!!! What have you done!!!
    OH GOD!!! PLEASE HELP me........ :-(

Author's Note

please ignore the fact that i havent used capital letters where i should and also i might have slipped in internet short words for a particular word.so please ignore that. but please give me any punctuation related corrections and i would love other corrections and suggestions too. i do have a limited vocabulary so would really appreciate any phrase or word suggestion for describing a particular context.