Control

I had an eating disorder for 2 years and nobody could figure out why because I swear it was never connected to poor body image. This is my interpretation of it.

I skip meals not for the desire of being skinny,

but for the desire of being stable...

My life is a roller coaster of I am happy and then sad,

I do not wish to ride this any longer...

But I am strapped in and want you to come along for the ride.

I want you to see how fast it goes and how it goes upside down....

Upside down, quicker than you can prepare yourself,

Then you're just hanging there. Hanging...

Disconnected from reality...

I want to to be stable.

Food is used to create happiness. Food is happiness...

Happiness lasts too short to enjoy and then you plummet...

Plummet down without any control. 

Control. I make my own control... 

I do not eat, I do not feel my low...

I stay stable. I stay in control. 

I would rather stay content than happy for a short time.

Happiness comes rarely and then it is swept away...

Swept away by the most powerful gust of emptiness.

Emptiness cannot reach me.

I retain emptiness in my stomach,

I fight fire with fire. 

Author's Note

I meant for it to sound very stream of consciousness-like, so grammatical things are irrelevant.

Reviews

[Nessie_AJ]

I can relate to this so well and I love that you have linked the eating disorder to control which not a lot of people see! Your courage to write something to personal is admirable and I love this! Please read my short story When Eating Becomes an Obsession and also you might like my ch 1 to my novel Secrets! You have a git!

[Samantha Tamburello]

Thank you so much! I''ll definitely check it out now!

[Nessie_AJ]

Thank you so much! That would me a lot!

[LauraraMonique]

Good job, love it.

Best,

Laurara Monique
https://lauraramargosian.com

[Starfish Enya]

Holy moly. I can relate to this completely as I am still trying to recover from this. Wow, I could never put words to the feelings but you have expressed them perfectly here. I love this.

[Samantha Tamburello]

Thank you so much! It's rough! :/ I wish you well and fortune on your recovery!