Almost Lover

For those who lost someone that they never even truly had to begin with...

Often there are nights I just lie awake at night and stare up at the ceiling. Seconds, turn to minutes which inevitably turns into hours. I get all these feelings rushing back into me and I don't know what to do with them. Many people say "If you love something, let it go." But I didn't do that. No-- I couldn't do that. I was too selfish to ever think, just for a second I couldn't have you and maybe that was where I went wrong...

We were so good once. We smiled at each other and laughed for hours. We texted and called each other all the time. We were always together and you were the first person who I truly let in. You knew everything about me. Every nook and cranny, every flaw no matter how bad it was. You still looked at me like I was the only girl in the world. 

Yes, our relationship was never boring but since when was boring and safe fun? 

We never were ready at the same time and I can't help but blame myself for that. Then you moved on when I was ready and the cycle repeated once more. I believe if you truly love someone that feeling never leaves, maybe dulled I guess..? But when you said those words to me I didn't know what to say, what to feel. 

I lied to myself and said I didn't feel that intensely about you but, who am I to know if I actually did or didn't. But now I see you and I can't help but feel this resentment in my gut. It wrong but I feel it for you and I feel it for the blonde haired girl who is now your new close friend. Maybe if I never introduced you guys, we would still be alright. But what if this was fated?

What if this was bound to happen? I hate her and I hate you so much but it's for my own faults. I was stupid, selfish, and insensitive but I can't help it. I never knew how, and I don't think I ever will.

Somewhere along the lines we went wrong. I can't feel that same feeling that I once felt when you smiled at me, or played with my hair. That nervousness that washed over me when I knew I would see you, turned into dread and minuet longing. I see that spark in your beautiful green eyes and it pains to know, I am not the center of it. That I am not what you think of anymore.

You claim we are still the same as we once were but, I can't feel it anymore. I don't know what to say to you anymore when we talk because it's too hard to see you actually happy without me. It sounds selfish but I don't care. I want you, I want all of you. Everyone broken piece, every smile, every awkward bit of you and to never let it go. '

But now it is time that I just do that. To finally let you go and discover all that you need to. You don't deserve the frustrations that we have, the annoyance of every fight. None of it. 

You deserve to be happy but, I don't know if I can see that for myself.

Because I'm not the one that can make you happy anymore.