Chapter 1: Me

Meet Kit! References Self Harm and Eating Disorders

Trying to find a point to start my story is hard. I have been through a lot, personally, that is. My story is very much a story of self-exploration and acceptance; an exploration of sexuality, gender and what feels right. My name is Kit Mackinson, I am 16 years old, I live in England and feel as if I’m all alone. 

I’m Pansexual- pansexuality is a romantic attraction to people regardless of their gender. Coming to terms with my sexuality was hard at first, but now looking back on my past it makes sense. I realised my sexuality at the age of 13. I had a friend who so casually said to me “I’m bi”, little 13-year-old me, embarrassingly, had no idea that something like that could exist. This is what caused my self-realisation of who I am. In the past I had obsessions with people the same gender as I was, I thought it was me just idolising them but boy was I wrong. So from there, it took a lot of research and “am I gay?” Quizzes to realise my sexuality.

 I came out when my friend, now boyfriend, came out. I regret this. I felt as if I was stealing their moment. I thought that I may have come across to be faking it. I should have taken my time. It took me a while to come out to everyone, first my close friends, and then people at school. I still haven’t told my family. It isn’t as if they are homophobic or anything, I feel as if I’m not ready. Coming out to people at school was the hardest. Most of them were not comforting, they all thought I was that weirdo who had a crush on all of them. They made my life a f*****g misery. It got to the stage of me isolating myself which has led to a bunch of mental health issues. 

I was born female. I thought I was female till recently, my boyfriend, Jamie, came out as a masculine non-binary. It suddenly hit me then that I had never thought about my gender expression before and I began to spiral from there. I sometimes feel feminine, I sometimes don’t. I sometimes think masculine, I sometimes don’t. I sometimes feel non-binary, and I sometimes don't. It is an endless self-exploration. I am pretty sure I am gender-fluid. Gender Fluidity is when I don’t have one fixed gender I have many genders which can change pretty often. I haven’t told anyone yet. I hinted to my friend Tori once that I was having a bit of a gender crisis but haven’t said anything more about that. 

I’m in year 12. GCSEs’ are done and A levels are starting. It is appalling that your entire life is decided by two sets of exams. I’m not very good at exams, making me look dumb. I’m not, I know everything I need to know. I am just prone to panicking and then flunking exams. It is honestly a miracle that I didn’t fail GCSEs. My A levels are English Literature, Physics and Psychology. I don’t know why I chose psychology I thoroughly hate it, I have a hunch I took it to understand what the f**k is wrong with my brain, well spoiler, I still don’t know what is wrong with me. And that brings me to trauma dumping on my mental health, fun. I have depression, well not diagnosed, but it is pretty obvious. The weird thing is, I don’t want help. I don’t know why. Depression has led to several things such as anxiety, self-harm and anorexia. I don’t talk about my feelings, and I don’t like showing weakness or being vulnerable in front of people. I guess they are interconnected. The only person I have told about my mental health is Jamie. They say they have gone through the same thing and to know that makes me feel better, it doesn’t make me feel as alone. Although if there is one thing I wish I could change are the scars from self-harm. I haven’t worn a tee shirt in 2 years because of the dark lines on my arm. Everything feels as if you are out of control, and no matter what you do to prevent it, the outcome is inevitable. It is like the descent into madness, or rather the sudden reversal, one moment you are fine, the next you are balling your f*****g eyes out bleeding everywhere wondering “what the hell happened”.