Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve draft

 

I was at home, alone in my room, smoking a cigarette, missing Trevor.  I was pathetic.  Yesterday I hadn’t really accomplished anything but turning myself into another emotional ball of knots.  He was right, I felt a little better, getting everything out.  Okay, so maybe I didn’t get out everything, but enough to suffice for the time being.  With our relationship, everything was still as it was before, less than clarified.  At least now I knew that it was more than likely better off being left as it stood.  Yesterday was yesterday though, and it wasn’t going to change, so I changed the subject.

Outside of spending time with Trevor, what was I going to do with my summer?  I had spent the very first day of my summer vacation wondering the same thing.  I didn’t mind the thought of spending my every waking minute with him, but I didn’t want either of us to get burned out on the other.  Was that even possible?  Damn it!  I wanted him with me right then.  What would be so wrong about being wrapped up in him eternally?

In such a short time, I had gone through so many different emotions with Trevor.  Even when I tried not to think about him, I still found myself with his face running through mind.

Was thinking about him going to be the rest of my life?  Would that be a bad thing?  I giggled a little to myself.  I was being absurd.  At this point, I didn’t even care. 

It was official.  I was in love with him.  I had accepted it finally.  I wasn’t confused about it any more.  I had made up my mind, and I was happy with my decision.  All I had to do now was make sure he was ready to take the same leap of faith that I was, just as we had talked about the night before.

I jumped off my bed, now giddy and bursting with fresh, new love.  I was going to talk to him, to tell him exactly how I felt and pray with everything in me that he would feel the same.

 

 

 

Trevor took his sweet time answering the door.  I was standing on his front porch, clad in a teal tank top and denim shorts, complete with my lime green flip-flops.  It was too hot to wait much longer.  Just opening his door and walking right in sounded so very enticing.  Before I had the chance to act upon this, he opened the door, once again shirtless, not that I was complaining.  I could look at that all day.  I turned my thoughts again, not wanting to blush and give my thoughts away.

 

“Hey.  Come on in.” He stood by the door and waited for me to step inside before closing it.

“Hey.  What have you been up to?” I definitely had an element of cheerfulness in my voice.

“Just sitting around watching television.  I’m bored as hell.”  He ran his fingers through his hair and for a nanosecond I wished it were my fingers on his head. 

“Me too.  That’s why I’m here after all.”  That… and something else he was completely unaware of.  We took our seats on the futon, making ourselves comfortable.  He leaned into one side of it and I slouched back, letting my legs spray out across the floor.

I had just come to the realization I had no idea how I was even going to tell him.  It wouldn’t be too hard, right?  Well, I was just going to come out and say.  I wasn’t going to hesitate or be vague.  I hadn’t been before I met him, so why was I going to start now?

“So you know what we were talking about yesterday, right?  About us?” I started.

“I do.” He responded calmly.

“I’ve made up my mind.  I think.  I hope, anyway.” I sighed, and took a deep breath.  Why was this so hard?  I was acutely aware of the butterflies in my stomach and the enormous lump that had made it’s way into my throat, replacing my voice.

“Go on.” This made me think that he was catching on to what I was trying to say, just as he always did.  However, instead of saving me some grief of becoming flustered, he’d let me ramble on until I found the right words. 

“I want to take that chance.  I want there to be an us.  Not an us, but an us.  I want to actually be with you.”

He was quiet long enough for me to start worrying.  Should I have just kept my mouth shut?  Was he trying to think of a way to ‘let me down easy’?  I was wishing and hoping like hell that wasn’t the case.  After a minute, he took a deep breath and nodded his head, obviously coming to some kind of conclusion I didn’t know about.

“Are you going to say it or am I going to have to wait all day?”

What?  What did he mean?  What was I supposed to be saying?  This wasn’t supposed to be his response. 

“Huh?”

“I want you to tell me how you feel about me.  Just one little sentence.”

Oh no he didn’t just say he wanted me to say that.  He did.  Oh damn, oh damn!  Alright.  I said it to myself earlier, certainly I can say to him.  it’s not that hard.  It’s only the truth.

“I don’t understand.” I lied coyly.

He said nothing, only looking at me impatiently.

“I don’t know?” 

He still continued to just give me the same look.

“Damn it.  I love you, Trevor.  As impossible as it may seem, I do.  I’ve never had these kind of feelings for anyone.  I don’t know why I feel this way about you, but I do, and apparently there’s nothing I can do about it.  I tried to fight it.  I tried not to like it when you kissed me that first time.  I tried not to like it when you made me talk about things that I wanted to bury so deep they didn’t exist.  I tried not to like it when I first started thinking this way about you.  Like I said though, there’s nothing I can do about this but pray that you love me too or that you at least feel strongly enough that we can stand a chance at this .”

“Is being with me what you really want?” Trevor finally said, quietly.

Hadn’t I just poured my heart out to him, or was he suddenly completely deaf?

“Yes it is.  It absolutely is.”

We leaned toward each other and kissed.  I wrapped my arms around his neck, pushing myself closer and closer to him, until it felt like if I tried to get any closer, our bodies would meld.  Honestly, I didn’t care if they did.  That would have suited me just perfectly.

“I love you too.  It’s real.  Don’t doubt yourself or your feelings.  No feeling is unreal, otherwise you wouldn’t feel it.”  Trevor smiled at me and I smiled back him this time, feeling like I was floating on a rainbow in some far away world.

I cuddled up next to him, not caring that it was still hot, even with the air conditioning on and a fan blowing across the living room.

I wanted everything to stay just as it was.  I didn’t want time to keep ticking into the future, nor did I want to leave arms.  I was finally content.  I felt like I had found my place and I didn’t want to leave it.  Happiness existed once more in my life.  If anything tried to change that for me, there would be nothing but hell to pay for it.  I’d be certain of it.

Trevor’s fingers were running through my hair now instead of his own.  He had sneakily taken my hair down.  Truth be told, I really didn’t notice or care.  I was just lost in my thoughts of him and the perfection and completion I felt. 

I loved this boy and he loved me, this girl.  My life had turned into some romance story.  Trevor and