Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten draft... hope you like it!

Sometimes things in life happen in such a peculiar way that it makes you question everything you've ever known. I should have gathered that when my father committed suicide. I should have known that when my brother, the only one I had to look up too, abandoned me. I didn't blame him though, he didn't have anyone either. We could have had each other, but I honestly didn't think that it would have worked out if it had been that way.

        My mother. Oh my mother. I knew that somewhere you she loved me, that somewhere she understood everything. I didn't know, however, why she didn't show this or let me know. In truth, I didn't feel like I was good enough for her. I could never be a piece of her art work to be praised and proud of. Never beautiful, interesting, or brilliant. As a little girl, I always tried everything I could to be loved more than her brushes and her paints with her blank canvas, that could be molded how ever she pleased. I wasn't artistic. I wasn't a genius. I wasn't anything abstract or special. I was just Violette. Plain and simple.

        I blamed her for it. She killed him. My dad did everything to please her, as I always had, yet he was never good enough either. I suppose he assumed that if she didn't love him, no one else did. Maybe I was wrong about that, but he wasn't exactly here to answer my questions. How I wished he was.

        That too, could be why I was so glued to Trevor. I had never had any sort of unspoken understanding with anyone but my dad. Until Trevor. It was as though he replaced my dad. Now I had someone to express myself to without criticism. There was also the bonus that I could have someone to love me in a different way. I still can't be sure if it was love. It was something stronger than infatuation, but love just didn't seem to fill the blanks either.

        Trevor and I had spent a great deal of time together over the course of the few days we had started this undecided relationship. We never pushed the issue of what kind of relationship we had, but instead continuing the process of learning each other. Every day we were learning something new, growing closer. It was surprising how easy it was to be around him, to let it all out without any sort of hindering element. You could compare it to interlocking puzzle pieces; it just fit.

        I was thinking of all this, as I rode with him, not knowing exactly where we were going. We had been riding for about twenty minutes on a back road. We were listening to another one of Trevor's CDs, enjoying a calm silence. Silence was something that wasn't awkward with the two of us. We weren't threatened by it, but rather respected that sometimes we didn't wish to our share thoughts all the time, but rather mull over them in private.

        “So what's your favorite color?” Trevor asked me randomly.

        “I've never really thought about it. Orange I guess.”

        “Why orange?”

        “I don't really have an explanation for it. It's just a color.” I said blankly.

        “Mine would be turquoise I think.”

        “That's an interesting choice of color.”

        “It's just a color.” he imitated in the same tone and expression.

        We had just been riding around for a long time, not going anywhere in particular. Which is another thing I liked about him. There didn't have to be any rules, reasons, or explanations. We just did things because we could. We would swing at the park or lie and look at the stars, talking about anything and everything, and sometimes just not saying anything but still enjoying each others presence, appreciating that we weren't lonely anymore.

        The moon was shining brilliantly over the fields, illuminating everything, accompanied by the stars and occasional airplane or car. It was so quiet out here, except for our conversations. It was a different kind of quiet, the quiet I had experienced at the park, but this time I had someone to enjoy it with. It was different than the quiet of my home, the one that was so visibly loud.

        I felt such a comfort with him. The same comfort I had almost immediately felt. This time, I was embracing it, grateful now.

        I only had one fear with him: that I would somehow lose him too. I stayed attached to his hip every chance I got. I promised myself that no matter if things developed more or they stayed the same, I would never let him go the way that I had to let my father go, or the way that I had to let Adrian go. He would be my stability. My one constant, my balance. And he would be all mine. It would be too much to risk losing him.

        Yeah, I was being selfish. The way I saw it, I deserved to be. If my mother, my father, and my brother, all three alike, were allowed to be selfish, so was I. It was my turn now. I deserved selfish happiness just as much as anyone else did.

        

        We had pulled over to one of the fields, just to stretch and relax a little. Now we were just lying on the ground. I was cuddled under his arm, with my head on his chest, just listening to his heart beating. Every now and then I would raise up to give him a quick kiss, or he would lean down to do the same. It didn't really mean anything, as nothing had to have rhyme or reason. Like I had concluded before, we just did things because we could.

        “How many do you think there are?” I asked Trevor, still wrapped up in him.

        “That's an impossible question to answer.”

        “You said nothing was impossible. Are you making yourself a hypocrite now?” I half sat up and gave him a playful, accusing look.

        “No. How about I rephrase myself then. I don't know how many stars there are.”

        “Fair enough. Have you ever wondered if maybe there is one for every person that exists? Sometimes I think crazy. Maybe I am crazy. Suppose that's true though, and every time someone died, the star went out and every time someone was born, so was a star. I think it's an interesting concept. I know you think I'm a lunatic now.” I laid back down.

        “You never know how things work. Especially with the afterlife. It's not like anyone has ever lived to tell.” he laughed a little, and I did too, just enjoying a simple joke. It was nice to have little things like that. I felt like a newborn, a completely different person. I was truly happy that the next chapter in my small life had begun, and especially ecstatic that the old chapter was gone forever and I would never have to turn back the pages.

        “What's it like living alone?”

        “You have a lot of time to think. It gets quite lonely. Which is why I'm glad I have you now.” he smiled down at me. “Most of the time I try not to be at home. I usually ride around or walk around. Mostly walking though. You see a lot more that way. Things you wouldn't normally notice if you were driving.”

        That was the beautiful thing about Trevor. There was no other word to describe him but beautiful, inside and out. He took in to consideration things that normal people wouldn't. Trevor was able to get your to really go over your whole perspective on things, big and small alike. He could do it so easily. Was it really so hard to see how someone could fall in love with him so quickly or so simply? No matter what, I was still convinced that I wasn't in love with him. Sure, I admitted it could happen one day if fate saw it that way, but at this moment, it was no. I certainly cared about him, but love was impossible right now, even if he did say otherwise. Besides, he hadn't dared bring the 'L' word exactly. We both admitted that we couldn't say it would never happen, but inside I was sure, oh so sure, that I did not love him. Not yet, but that didn't mean I wasn't falling. Indeed I was falling. Falling hard, tripping over thin air the whole way down.

 

Author's Note

What do you think about Violette and Trevor's relationship? Is everything flowing smoothly? Is it still following the rest of the story well? Also, any other criticism you feel. :)

Reviews

[Rose Kavanagh]

This story is becoming extremely interesting. I must say, though, I think things might be moving just a tad bit too fast- but it's nothing a little revision and maybe one extra chapter can't fix.

I also simply /adore/ the fact that you made it clear Violette and Trevor are not in love. Bravo! You have managed to make an interesting, well-developed, realistic story without having the main characters fawning all over one another and professing their undying love every other page. Finally, someone has managed to accomplish this! There's nothing I dislike more than characters falling head-over-heels in a matter of days and becoming completely co-dependant on eachother.

All in all, great chapter. The characters are becoming more and more real and I like how Violette is slowly changing, letting her guard down for once (I can relate to her there). I especially love the last sentence- something about it perfectly describes what Violette is going through, even though she might not be ready to fully admit it to herself. There were a few typos (in the second paragraph, it reads " I knew that somewhere you she loved me ". The "you" is unnecessary) but other than that, very well done.

On to the next chapter! ;)