Untitled Three

Another old poem I found. I think I wrote this one when I was 15 or 16. I can't remember.

How can one be true to who they really are,

If they don’t know?

You want help from the craze, only, to

Instead, end up at the beginning again

And you have to relive your mortal, meaningless existence once more

Sooner or later, you begin to see:

Nothing can be done

You can only suffer in complete misery

Until,

Your existence fades, your heart stops,

Hoping that you will have some kind of life,

If only a memory of you is left…

Sulky…plain…calloused…numb

That is how you remember yourself

“What happened?”, you ask aloud, knowing

You will not receive a response,

Only a deafening silence

But then,

Things, thoughts, questions

Unravel in your mind

Your life runs through

Like a movie

Flickering images

Happiness occasionally popping through

Now you realize what you’ve been

Hiding from…all along

You’ve had a mentally tragic epiphany

You are alone…you always were

Somehow, you knew it all along,

But refused to accept it,

Believing that some spiritual entity was

Looking over you, keeping you strong, despite

How weak you really were,

And still are

There is no one here either, once again,

Just yourself

You pray to God with every ounce of your soul,

“Just please! At least in Hell, I will not be alone!”

You question your worth to God

Are you not even

Worthy of being

Eternally Damned?

Suddenly you are jolted awake by the

Constant buzz of your alarm clock

You sit up in your bed,

Knowing everything you just saw, you will see again…

It’s your life

And you accept it, as hard as it may be,

You understand,

That is what’s meant to be

And for a split second, in this,

This mental chaos,

Your mind is at a sort of

Twisted Peace (…yes, that’s the

Perfect

Way to put it)

You now know what is and what will be,

But you are still yet saddened, you know

Things will never be better,

The shard of hope,

Once stuck in your heart, is gone…

Blood running freely,

In a rushed trickle from the place

Hope had been

You ponder on whether to end it all now,

Even though you know,

the Misery will still chase you

after Death

Or should you live with it?

Live with despair on Earth…

You feel Dead already, so you

Conclude you can’t

Die

Anymore, choosing to warily exist

On a

Complex…and sinful…plane

And,

Not choosing another realm

But, you know also,

One day, you will

Change

Your mind, the only question left now is…

 

When?