Chapter 1

Part 1

The universe is not made of atoms, it is made of stories. And this story I am going to tell is one that may be perceived as a variation of things. It is a story of a boy.

Now, we’ve all heard the stories of different boys and girls who have achieved great things and surpassed many failures. They are real, of course, all of them. The universe is full of stories from the beginning to the end (which, of course, there is no beginning and there is no end), so who’s to say they aren’t ALL true?

This tale which I am to tell is different from all of these other true, powerful stories. This is a story of a boy, yes. But this is also a story of discovery and future and unexpected events and the Unknown and friendship and love and Infinity.

The tale begins on a large planet, surrounded by all the universe like a gift wrapped by mounds of starry black paper. Tall buildings ark as high as the clouds, bright and shiny as they mirror the rays of the three suns spread out across the sky. Clouds were often smoke-filled and gloomy, projecting no hope such as a puffy, white cloud passing by would. This planet, Swade, could be described as an industrialized planet, particularly compared to the natural expanse covering other planets in the galaxy.

Sam Miteor never knew how or why he ended up growing up here, but he lived with his step-dad and his grandma and no questions were asked. And in his tiny, cramped bedroom, his story began.

One night, Sam’s step-dad, whom Sam had to refer to as Professor and nothing else, sent him to bed as the stars were just beginning to fill the sky.

“It just isn’t fair! Professor treats me like I’m no more than one of you little guys!” He exclaimed to his two Rub-Lubs (small, cute but tough hedgehog-like creatures), named Skuttle and Skim.

He looked from Skuttle to Skim, then shook his head. “Aw, who am I kidding? I do mean no more to the galaxy than you two. I don’t have nobody. Goodnight.”

And so Sam lay to the side on his right shoulder to sleep. But his eyes remained open, and soon the sounds of society were drowned out by the empty space within his mind. He heard Skuttle and Skim’s soft breath as they slept. The cold, nighttime air felt thick and powerful upon his skin.

The night passed by, and soon it was morning.

“Wake up, Cruck! You’ve got a long day ahead of you!” Cruck was a nickname the Professor had bestowed Sam upon their first meeting. The name stuck, and was used by everyone he knew. Sam had no idea what it meant, but he figured it must be a racist term of sorts, for it could be said that Sam looked different among the others.

It is something that can never be explained, and possibly never understood.

Why he would be thought of as different for this petty reason seemed absurd.

Sam hopped atop a passing yellow speeder bike, on which Professor paid the driver to transport Sam through the bustling traffic and to his workplace.

“Good morning, Mr. Lumpkin!” The Professor said. “It’ll be the same place as always, sir. Don’t make the ride easy on the boy! He’s gotta grow some hair on his crucked chest, as I have tried to do but have failed to complete.”

They took off, and Sam closed his eyes and felt the sun beat down upon his face as he watched the world flash beside him: a blur.

He nearly choked on all the strange chemicals floating about the air, and the wind carried a heart-wrenching odor.

Soon they passed by the last building and entered the sandy dunes of Swade. Mr. Lumpkin picked up the pace and soon they were soaring through the dust at a speed which Sam felt would tear his skin right off by the wind.

When they arrived, Mr. Lumpkin didn’t bother to slow down or stop; rather, he shoved Sam off the vehicle and made a quick turn to go home. Sam felt the full impact of the fall as he wound up mangled on top of a prickly plant and the not-so-soft sand.

The world was spinning before him, round and round.

A blur of a man was walking towards him. An old man. Sam’s mind continued to spin, and he listened to the old man’s echoey voice speaking to him. He didn’t understand a word of it.

Finally, the world stopped spinning. That’s when Sam looked up into the face of an old man he hadn’t seen in a long time. “Irt?” He questioned. “Is that you? Irt?”

“Yes, my young friend.” Irt said. “You know, you mustn’t let everyone in your life treat you like an alien. You are not an alien. You are a citizen of Swade and you share the same organs keeping you alive and the same bones keeping you mobile. You need to learn to protect yourself, lad. There’s a whole universe out there, and you must learn to understand that and find your place in it.”

Sam paused. “Well--I know that, Irt--of course I know that. I don’t care if they treat me unfairly. I don’t care if they think I’m different. I don’t care.” He looked Irt in the eye. “It don’t make no difference if I do anyways.”

“Young one, you are running from what you actually believe. Everything you imagine and hope for is real, and true. Everything you create is extraordinary, my boy. You can’t keep living like this.”

Sam thought about what Irt was saying, and as he was about to speak he heard a loud noise where a bunch of other men were standing, at his work.

It was a Wok, a crazy terrifying beast similar to a large hound-dog. It was attacking a small man who carried a shovel.

It knarred its teeth into his back and clawed at him with its’ powerful might.

He tried to fight back with the shovel but couldn’t penetrate the will of the Wok. The other men seemed to hardly care, yelling at each other to step in and help but unwilling to do it themselves.

Sam ran to the man as he yelled to the other men. “Hey! He needs help, guys! Hey!”

The man being attacked cried out, through his pain, in Sam’s direction, while desperately trying to pry the Wok’s massive paws from his chest. “Yes, I need help, Cruck!”

The effect of that word on Sam came in full impact this time. He fought back tears and still ran forward to help, even after the insult. So Sam reached them and started to break the fight apart.  

Immediately upon his arrival however, one man yelled to his companions. “Oh, Mother, hurry, men, don’t let the Cruck help!”

All of them collapsed on the scene and tore the Wok off the man, pinning it to the ground as it puffed smoke from its’ nostrils.

Sam held back tears by looking to the clouds in the sky and to the three suns, bulging their heat upon his skin.

Irt sat on a rock to the side, watching his young friend as he stroked his prickly, white beard. He then walked over to Sam.

“C’mon, Sam. We must go, now.”

Sam looked at him, surprised. “But, Irt, I haven’t gotten enough Magba rocks to sell today. The Professor will kill me! Besides, I was short yesterday even after a full days work and I haven’t eaten in days!”

“You will not have to worry about that. We must go now.”

Reviews

[MightyMouse]

DO NOT LISTEN TO THE 'SHOW DON'T TELL' ADVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's complete and utter bullshit!!! I have read a million books that tell you rather than show you, and feelings and background cannot be shown!!! I have seriously strong feelings about this. When you try to show everything, too many details are used. Trying to show someone getting hit with a baseball bat for example. Sure, you could explain that they were hit, or you could simply tell someone which would take up one line as opposed to an entire paragraph. People lose interest when you take up that much space to "show" what happened. You could add an entire chapter over "showing" a background story, or you could have a character tell it like a story. I have heard this advice from several aspiring writers, but have heard it completely shut down by actual authors. Your book sounds fine. the only thing needed to make a book good are: Relate-able characters, a good story line, just enough imagery (i.e. details), unflat dialogue, and most of all the ability to capture attention and spark imagination. This is a fiction book, don't worry about writing it like a non fiction book. It sounds perfectly fine the way it is (though there are a few grammar mistakes). Be wary of the advice you take. And if you don't want to quote someone in the book, then make sure you put it in the author's note, or just leave a page at the end with credits. A lot of times putting the name of the person who said it in the first place interrupts flow. The reader wouldn't know them from the old crazy hobo on the corner. Seriously, it's fine the way it is.

[Stars and Whales]

Awesome advice, thank you! I love your writing so I'm going to take any tips I can from you!

[MightyMouse]

I've been doing it for around ten years. You pick up a lot. Have you only read my poems, or have you actually read my book (or started)??? I'm only curious.

[Wølfy]

"The universe is not made of atoms, it is made of stories." ah Muriel Rukeyser, you are clearly not a physicist. However, you Zane are a very good writer. I was actually going to read this until I felt really tired. I hope to continue this later today or tomorrow....or the next day...or maybe the next, I do not know, I am too lazy. I do believe you have something good here none the less.

[BL]

Your opening line is enticement enough, I really like the dialogue and the story itself is a highly imaginative piece of writing

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good story. I liked the beginning. A good introduction give ways to good tale. I like the discussion and the characters. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote

[JayG]

I wish I had better news. I see some things that need to be addressed.

First, if you’re going to use someone else’s line give them the credit, in this case, Muriel Rukeyser, who said, “The universe is not made of atoms, it is made of stories.”

That aside, you’re providing a transcript of a verbal storyteller’s script. And because such storytelling is a performance art, it cannot work on the page. Problem is, your reader can neither hear the emotion in the storyteller’s voice, nor see expression, gesture, or body language. And without that all trace of emotion has been stripped from the telling

And given that, the first five paragraphs is pure history lesson—backstory—on a person who we have been given no reason to WANT to know more about. And in that time, 268 words, nothing has happened in the story. We’re over half way down the second standard manuscript page and you’ve yet to call for action. In the words of James H. Schmitz, “Don’t inflict the reader with irrelevant background material—get on with the story.”

And those paragraphs are irrelevant, because not a word of it relates to the scene in progress. And given that your writer may well read only for only ten minutes at lunch, by the time you make that information necessary they will have forgotten.

But forget that. The real problem is that the tools you’re using are those of the verbal storyteller, and inappropriate to our medium.

Were you telling this aloud you’d be alone on stage, and have to give setup information, to set the scene. But on the page you have actors. And unlike the narrator, who must speak in a monotone because you cannot tell the reader how you spoke a line of prose, you CAN tell the reader how the protagonist, and all the other actors do. And that leads us to an observation by the great Sol stein: “In sum, if you want to improve your chances of publication, keep your story visible on stage and yourself mum.”

And to do that takes skills different from that of verbal storytelling, writing plays and for the screen. Each medium has different attributes and requires differing professional knowledge. A scene on the stage and screen, for example, is unlike that on the page. And unless we’re aware of those differences, and the basic structure of a scene, can we write one? Will we manage the scene goal—or even take it into account? Will we know the scene should end in disaster, and what that means? Probably not.

It’s not a matter of good or bad writing, or talent. And we cannot learn what we need to know by reading fiction, because then, we see only the finished product, polished to a high gloss. But to produce a matching product we need the process. And from the store and the home that process is invisible, just as the care and use of a chefs knife is invisible from our seat in the restaurant.

The short version: You’re telling when you should be showing, explaining when you should be entertaining.

It’s not a killer problem. Pretty much everyone who turns to recording their stories falls into that trap because in our schooldays no one ever tells us they’re teaching us nonfiction business writing techniques, or even that another approach exists. But since our teachers are not usually multi-published fiction writers, who would tell them?

So here’s the deal: the solution is simple, though not easy. What you need is to dig into the techniques the pros and publishers take for granted. That’s the simple part. The hard part is making it ours and perfecting our skill in using those tools.

Your local library’s fiction writing section is a great place to begin. Devour a few books to get a diversity of opinion. And if you can find the names Dwight Swain, Jack Bickham, or Debra Dixon on the cover, they’re gold.

You might poke around among the writing articles in my blog, for a kind of overview of the issues involved.

But whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Stars and Whales]

Wow, thank you sir. I need this from someone who knows what they're talking about. You clearly do. Can you help me out with how to change this story to show rather than tell, in my own style. I think once I understand that, from what you could help me with, I can use that in all my other future writings. I am a freshman in high school, and I do not have anyone else teaching me this stuff. It would be life-changing if you could. Thanks for your honest and helpful review!

[JayG]

It's not a matter of saying the same thing differently. At the moment you're writing author-centeric and fact-based, as we're all taught to write in school—as I did, because we focus on details—Story, with a capital S. And we believe that our writer is looking for Story. In fact, if you ask, people will tell you that's why they read. But do they? Most reader make their decision as to buying a given book in three pages. How much Story is there in 750 words? Probably none.

But there is story on that time, with that lower case S—story emotion-based and character-centric. That kind of story lives in the heart and mind of the protagonist, in their hopes and plans, needs and desires. And that'
s the kind of story that involves the reader emotionally, entertains, and makes them WANT to turn pages.

Look at a single line from the story:

• They took off, and Sam closed his eyes and felt the sun beat down upon his face as he watched the world flash beside him: a blur.

You dictated this line as a record of what happened next. And as such you wrote, but never felt it as he does. So to begin with you have him closing his eyes and then "watching." You know he opened his eyes, but the reader doesn't.

But had you been presenting things from HIS viewpoint you couldn't give a synopsis because we live in real time. He would have had a reason to close his eyes, and one to open them again. And in his viewpoint he wouldn't have seen a blur, not from a powered bike. He would think, and observe, and decide, as a parson does. And he wouldn't simply accept a nickname he felt was derogation without asking around. Wouldn't you? Remember, it's not your story, it's his. So what matters to him trumps your desires. You're driven by plot. He's driven by his own decisions. And unless the reader knows why he does things, as he does, we are NOT in his viewpoint, we're with a storyteller we can neither see nor hear.

He lives as we do, in real time. So every time you stop the story to give a tidbit of gossip, like how he got his nickname, you stop the story dead, still the scene-clock, and lecture a reader who wants to be entertained, not informed.

Readers aren't looking for explanations, backstory, or gossip. They're not looking for a synopsis of events. They want you to move THEM emotionally. Tell them that the character is in love and they yawn, because the information comes from someone not on the scene or in the story. Make them love that person and they will envy the protagonist, and care about the character they love. In a story of horror your reader is hoping you'll terrify them, not make them know the character feels fear.

The problem is that to do that you need a thorough understanding of the structure of a story on the page, something that can't be explained in a few posts. That's not good news, I know, given how hard you've worked on this, but we're taking about a profession, and every profession has specialized knowledge and tricks that aren't apparent till they're pointed out—usually in a textbook or lecture.

As and example, try this article:http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

It introduces the basics of one very powerful way of presenting your protagonist's viewpoint. Chew on it till it makes sense. Then look at a modern novel that made you feel as if you were living it as you read, to see how that author used the technique.

And if it makes sense, and seems like it's worth pursuing, pick up a copy of the book the article was based on. It's the best I've found.

You also might want to look over some of the articles on writing in the writing section of my blog, for an overview of the issues you need to work on.

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks. I will do my best.

[Bear]

Critique: (Tall buildings ark as high as the clouds) the definition of ark is a place of protection or security; refuge; asylum is that what you wanted to say? Or did you mean arch?
(Sam looked different among the others) from the others
(He’s gotta grow some hair on his crucked chest) Crucked is being used as a name so it should be capitalized
(and as he was about to speak he heard a loud noise) to speak when he heard
(where a bunch of other men were standing, at his work) standing at his work? Incomplete sentence you need an identifying word to explain what they were standing at, "workstation" or "workbench" or "staring at his work" could also be used.
(bulging their heat upon his skin) bulging?

Review: Fantasy and humor blended into the beginning of a good story line, I can see a lot of potential in for this one my friend :~) Your characters have a uniqueness to them that your readers should relate to from the very start so be careful you don't over-develop them. Now to see where you go from here, it should be a bit of a thrill ride :~)

[Stars and Whales]

Yup. I'm surprised I didn't notice some of those errors myself. I'll fix them.

[Barbara Walker]

You make the story interesting enough to want to read more, but I was confused thinking the boy was just a boy, but then he has to go to work with men and why don't the men want him to save that guy? Maybe you need a bit more background in this chapter. And who won't let him eat? It's a good start!

[Barbara Walker]

Also, you bring up him being" different, an alien, etc." But don't say how he's different.

[Stars and Whales]

That was intended. I was hoping you wouldn't think of him as an alien in even our perspective as humans. I was trying to make Sam seem like a racially prejudiced character on Earth. But thanks for the advice, I'll see what I can do.

[Eddie Davis]

Zane, you have the beginnings of a any interesting story. It reminded me of a sort of fable, perhaps from the way you introduce it. That is not a bad thing, because the earliest stories were told this way. I'd suggest that you take it slow, introduce the character and his environment and don't worry about having to explain everything at once. Take your time, let the reader slowly absorb the atmosphere of the story. These days writers try to rush everything and a good story should be carefully developed.

The sentence " It knarred its teeth into his back and clawed at him with its’ powerful might. " might need to be changed. 'Knarred' means knotty or gnarled and I don't think that was probably what you meant. "Powerful might" is a redundant statement like 'Angrily mad'. It would flow better as 'It sank its teeth into his back and ripped at him with powerful claws', or something like that.

I think you have a good start and it looks interesting. Keep writing and more than anything else -- more than following grammar rules or writing tips or styles, or listening to anyone's suggestions-- first and foremost, write and enjoy it! Don't worry about what others think, write what you feel and there will be people who share your feelings and who will appreciate your work. Keep it enjoyable for yourself, and all the rest of the stuff can be dealt with later.

[busterlee]

I like. Nice smooth style, imaginative, descriptive without vomiting adjectives. I might like a little more information about items unique to the alien world. It kept me engaged.

[Stars and Whales]

My intention is not to make it seem as an alien world, but more as something that can take place on our own planet, Earth. Maybe to make it something that can happen anywhere. Could you help me out with how to add some more information in the middle of everything I already have? Thanks for your kind words!

[Veronica Staehle]

"The tale begins on a large planet, surrounded by all the universe like a gift wrapped by mounds of starry black paper. Tall buildings ark as high as the clouds, bright and shiny as they mirror the rays of the three suns spread out across the sky"

This is beautiful imagery. Descriptive textural word choices you've used also are very intriguing and calming. A unique place created by you. I like your name choices, reminds me of clockwork orange. I'm always an avid fan of made up words that feel right, or fit how you'd like. The story has this surreal yet very real complex that I could imagine getting lost in.

The beginning introduction feels like a movie introduction where someone is filming themselves preluding what is about to unveil. I'm not entirely sure its necessary based on this segment alone but if you return to that intimate confessional-talking to the camera- dynamic a few times again during the story then it could be valuable. I'll read more as you release them. Real nice job.

[Stars and Whales]

Haha, I'm sure I will return to that talking-to-the-camera thing you talked about; It's the way I write I suppose! Thank you for your kinds words.