One Man's Soul Version 2: Chapter 1

This is a new version of One Man's Soul in a different type of setup as the other; I want to see how this works...it will not be the same story.

Prologue

It was the middle of June by the time my eyes cracked open to allow light entrance. A crescent moon illuminated the sky with a refulgent beam. The bed in which I lay occupied multitudinous ash and areas of it looked as though melted by some omnipotent flame. I lifted my sore body from the bed, a sweltering sun stabbing at my eyes as I did so. Darkness evaded me, barricading my eyes from all but a slight red blur burning at my eyelids. When my eyes became once again capable of sight--true, comprehensible sight--the world around me became vivid and my imaginations became authentic. Rubble and fallen buildings lay scattered across the terrain, and I noticed then that the air smelt of smoke and eviscerated, decomposing animal bodies. The clouds were of a gray, tainted colour and looked ready to unleash havoc upon the world which they watched pass by. I think it funny--the way the clouds seem as though staring me down from the sky above as I had before watched them from the world below. 

Though the sky was dark and misty, as one perhaps would have thought of a starlit summer night,  the sun burned in the sky like a celestial fireball. I took a step from the bed as a vile gust of wind blew away some of the dusty, gray ash that covered the ground. Instantly my legs gave way and I tumbled to the ground atop what was a dilapidated billboard. As I made an attempt to read the bolded letters, my eyes became once again fuzzy and I had to shake my head violently to regain semi-normal focus. “LA Memorial Hospital” the billboard read.

LA. As in what? This brought back a slight recollection as I considered the words. Was this the Los Angeles in which I grew up? Was this the same City of Angels in which I fell asleep each night, comfortable under my own roof? The same city in which I pursued the field of science, intrigued by the biological factors that made up life? Silence subdued the smoggy air and seemed to become greater as the seconds ticked by. It was a louder silence than I had felt while in the coma I had just then awoken from--the coma that had kept me from witnessing what possibly could have happened.

I then felt a pain within my head that no man could possibly have described. There are truly no words for it, and I don’t even know why I felt the pain that I did. It was as if this lost city meant more to me than I could’ve ever imagined, and that the memories held beneath the rubble and ruin were something that I had once held dear. I felt this world was about to come full circle for me, and maybe the gray clouds in the sky would have a story to tell of what happened in the world below--on this day, and many days to come.

Reviews

[Bear]

When you suffer a coma there tends to be a gap in your memory that may or may not return, also when consciousness returns it isn't like waking up. My brother was out for a week after a car wreck and when he awoke he had no memory of what had happened for the last month. You might do some research, either online or if you know anyone who was ever in a coma talk to them.

The format, style and details are clean and concise, I like everything you have done here, but the coma thing is something that everyone who ever knew someone or was in one themselves is going to question the validity of your story line.

[MightyMouse]

I think this is the last of your writing I have left to read. I like it, but try and use less sophisticated words when they're close together. Large, advanced words are difficult to read when they're within a few words of each other. I usually try to use advanced words only when they flow smoothly. If you have to pause to pronounce them every couple of words, the writing becomes sort of choppy and hard to understand without a dictionary kept close. Try to use them only one per sentence, or every couple of sentences.

[Stars and Whales]

Got it, thanks!

[astronaut]

Excellent. Looking forward to more. Reminds me of what I'm writing right now!
Cheers
xx

[Schatzi]

Nice setup of a post apocalyptic world. The prologue builds the appropriate amount of suspense and leaves the reader with a strong desire to read on. What happened to L.A.? Where is everyone else? Is he alone? Teasing about his job in science is excellent. It opens up so many possibilities as to where the story could potentially go. Are we talking zombie apocalypse or has a species mutated and destroyed the world he knew and loved? The possibilities are endless! Nicely done!

[Sean Reigner]

Nice mood and scene setup, really felt the wonder of what happened while he was in a coma.
one thing though, There was a couple of 5 syllable words that brought the scene to a screeching
halt. not sure you really needed them. (I'm a bit guilty of using them, and then grudgingly pull them
out lol)

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks! Could you review "Burn" for me? It is my current project!

[richieb]

Vivid description in first paragraph, maybe too much. My feeble brain can only process so many "heavy" words at a time. As story went on I felt more comfortable and understanding of your story. Good intro for a story of earthly catastrophe. Richie B.

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks! Could you review "Burn" for me? It is my current project!

[Cyndy Robinson]

I love prologues in general, and many people don't use them anymore. This was well done. (I am not well versed in Coma's). It was interesting, and stopped at exactly the right place. Making one wonder exactly where one would go when the story started. I did not read version 1, so I really do not know where this is going. And I love people that review things honestly. When I write, I can't speak for anyone else, but I tend to fall in love sometimes with portions of my writing. Sometimes I like a turn of phrase so much it blinds me to the fact it doesn't need to be there. So I always appreciate input. No two people have the same input, and that is the spice of reviewing. I do not have a problem with the word Coma, and even if I did have knowledge of it I am not sure I would then. It guess it would depend if the story was going to focus on what a Coma was. To me this is a person who was living normally, lost consciousness, and woke up to total destruction. That person could rightly assume they were in a Coma-whether they were or not. It could even be about, from the Title, He is dead and thinks he was in a Coma. From the prologue at least, to me it becomes a question of can the reader get into the story, and can they suspend belief long enough to do so. I think the reader can.

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks! Could you review "Burn" for me? It is my current project!

[CJ Pole]

Disclaimer: My critique is just my opinion and I am by no means an expert. Please take all or none of my feedback as you like. I hope to be of some help to your writing in some way. I have not read any of the other reviews of this piece, so apologies if I'm repeating what others may have said.

Hi Zane

The writing is solid. The situation is clear and well presented. ‘Man awakes from coma to a post-apocalyptic world’ I’ve seen done quite a few times before, so keep that in mind. You’ve got a situation that gives mystery and you introduce your character clearly. Overall it’s a good prologue.

Some editing feedback:
Announcing that it’s the middle of June gives us the season, but is it really neccesary? It makes me wonder – how does he know and does it matter?

I had to look up the word ‘refulgent’, and if I did, others would too. Having such an obscure word in your second sentence may put some readers off.

Multitudinous? Okay now I’m starting to think you’ve been at the thesaurus! It’s not necessary. Such words may just isolate readers and have them think you’ve been at the thesaurus!

‘the world around me became vivid and my imaginations became authentic.’ ‘Imaginations became authentic’ doesn’t make sense to me. I know what you’re trying to say, but authentic isn’t the right word.

‘atop what was a dilapidated billboard’
‘what was’ has no place in this sentance.

read the bolded letters,
‘bold’, not ‘bolded’

Many thanks for sharing your writing, and I wish you the best of luck!

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks! Could you review "Burn" for me? It is my current project!

[CJ Pole]

Hi Zane,

No worries. I've just reviewed the prologue of Burn. Hope you find something useful in my critique. I'll review the first chapter of it as soon as I can.

[MrARKY89]

So is this s newer version of this story? That would mean that you have more of it posted, right? I like the visual set up. The city must have been hit by some disaster, my first thought was a nuclear explosion. The line between the character's imagination and the true perception began to blur for me, when he said "When my eyes became once again capable of sight--true, comprehensible sight--the world around me became vivid and my imaginations became authentic." I wasn't sure if he was waking from some feverish dream or he was in a dream or was even in a dream at all. Of course that was just for a while, when I realized he just woke from a coma. At any rate This seems like a great start. Where is chapter leading to? I what is a good way to summarize the basic bulk of your story?

[Stars and Whales]

Well this was just an idea for a new representation of the same world as the other version. I'm still posting on the other version and haven't added much else onto this version. Thanks for the review, and I intend to make this a shorter story and finish it up in later weeks.

[Cherrie]

I like the first line to either be a simple fact that gives me a needed detail or some kind of action. You have a good opening. I found Chapter 1 to be entertaining and caused me to ask- and then what-. Which is the main job of each scene. I like for a chapter (in a pinch) to be a standalone piece of work that flows and blends into a greater piece. I look forward to Chapter 2.

On a side note: here is what I know firsthand about losing consciousness.

Twenty-two years ago I had a wreck in my van where I flew through the side driver’s window. The impact knocked me unconscious as I broke out the window. So I remembered everything but the actual event of fling out of the van. The wreck was in the snow and ice. To this day a certain sound creeps me out causing my heart to flutter. It is a mixture of Deja vu and panic. It lasts a few moments and is gone. The first few years I had to make myself drive in the snow. Not so much that I was afraid to drive in it. But in the changing of lanes I would create that sound.

[Stars and Whales]

oh im sorry this is the wrong One Man's Soul. I was wondering if you would mind reading the original. Sorry :-) And thanks

[Cherrie]

Will do right away

[Tomoe Tellez]

I think I have an advice on how to fix the part of the coma. Instead of writing this as if the character is telling us as everything is happening, you could have him tell this as if it already happen and he is only recalling what happened. Other than that I think this is pretty fine.