Part 1: Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Lora looked to the right and to the left. She saw Rick and Gruffy, with their gang of Loonies gathered round. She saw the Pinches. She noticed Gus, Goyle, Flynn, and Phil standing around, shadows in the day. And out of the corner of her eye she saw S.Z with Tammy. Lora noticed Tammy was one of the only young children there.

They were gathered, separately and in groups, at the MassDeath Day Gathering of the People, traditionally. Of course nobody located themselves near other People they didn’t know, for many were itching to get to killing. The meeting was usually sparsely attended, for nobody was in control of it to force People to go. But this year it looked as if everybody had come. The meetings were usually chaos. The whole point of it was to ultimately proclaim the “freedom and prosperity of America” and all the pleasures of life, such as MassDeath Day. Basically, they agreed to traditionally hold one of these meeting to make the bloody day seem less tragic.

It didn’t work for Lora.

Her brain buzzed and she blurred out the sound of someone talking. She didn’t know who it that was doing the talking. Nor did she care. It could be anybody, really. Anybody stupid enough to believe the meeting had a point.

“...and now all we do is have fun...exciting and exhilarating…” Lora laughed within her head.

“Yeah yeah. Bla bla bla.” she thought. “Go kill yourselves if killing is so fun.”

She watched as Gruffy, one of the Pinches Lora didn’t recognize, and a random overweight man waddled to the front to address the crowd. Then there was a surprise.

S.Z carried Tammy on his shoulders and walked to the front to speak. “What...is...he...doing! He can’t take a child up there! He’ll be mauled! Nobody is gonna listen to what he has to say! They’ll tear his brains out! Not that he has any brains...clearly!!”

S.Z put his mouth right up the microphone. Tammy stood behind him innocently. “People. People, People. In a couple of hours, you and the man sitting beside you will be turned against each other, desperate for your own survival and individually destined to a bloody death. You will be taking part in the largest “every man for himself” war in the history of the universe, in the history of forever. And yes, People, it is a war. It is a war whether you come up front and say it or not. It is a war, People. People should mean something to us, should it not? Because the word means freedom of the People!” S.Z paused, then kept going after catching his breath. “And especially on the Eve of this war. You all can’t become wrapped up in your pitiful self misery anymore. No. The interest you all share is death, correct? And murder. Murder of the innocent and of the deserving. Well, People, then you will share that death together. We will all share that death together, as the human race. Fate will take us in that direction if that is our sole wish. Yes, People. You are joining an individual war with yourself...an internal war, and this war will be fought for your freedom. You think this is freedom? You think the life you live each day is freedom? From the time you wake up in the morning to the time you go to bed at night, it is still dark. The dark is this war, People. Is that freedom? You can get shot tomorrow. You can get your head sliced tomorrow, your body chopped to bits. Is that freedom? There is no reason to lack our freedom, but our freedom is the reason we lack this freedom. People! Don’t take this as a prophet teaching you the bigger picture in life! For what I am about to tell you is something you have forgotten, and it is not something that should be swept away by the vile winds of our Earth, each and every day, just like every other piece of the puzzle! There is a God out there, and He created you and me. I need to get that thought out there, if you are to take anything from this! God...he loves you, and He created you himself. He is freedom. He is the freedom that we lack. He is the reason. Don’t take this the wrong way, I beg of you. Search your hearts and dig it out. Live so you can begin to die the right way. Of old age in your warm bed.”

The crowd began to murmur loudly. Several cocked their guns, but others stopped them from pulling the trigger. Nobody had ever been killed at a Death Day meeting. Most of them couldn’t care less, but others just reminded each other of the same thing over and over again. “Just get to him tomorrow. There’s always tomorrow.”

Lora put her head in her lap. Her fast-paced breaths were overlapped by tears, and her mind felt fuzzy and empty. S.Z. No. He stood on the stage still, looking like there was more he had to say. He pulled Tammy to his front. He spoke.

“Look at this young girl.” He paused, and wiped his nose. “Her name is Tammy. Let her remind you every day what the purpose of life truly is. That’s all.” He shook his head. “Have a nice Death Day.”

The sound of a gunshot boomed throughout the settlement. It missed. There were large, black curtains behind the stage, and the bullet went straight through it. Several more shots were fired, all connecting with nothing but the curtain. People shrieked and Lora closed her eyes. The curtain fell flat on top of S.Z and Tammy. Lora ran from the place, not wanting to see any more chaos. It had been several hours since it had begun.

She ran to her office, thoughts swarming her.

Lora. Trutt. Gus. Phil. Goyle. S.Z. Gruffy. America. The Earth. The Sun. The People.

They would all collide on MassDeath Day.

It was midnight by the time the horrific scene ended. Lora swung open the door to her office to protect her belongings. Her painting was gone. MassDeath Day had begun.

End of Part 1: Wake

Reviews

[Calibaster]

This felt better. Not so rushed, though you didn't really finish with her brother. Bring that back in. Plus, didn't she get knocked out in the bar? Wouldn't someone take advantage of her or something? That sounds horrible, but in your world, plausible. Just make sure to not move too fast, and keep things believable and relatable.

[Stars and Whales]

ok I will!

[Cris Roley]

Good story and you've got a lot written but my advice remains the same. I like your ideas. Your ideas are good. But they are ideas. Keep them as drafts and then with them, tell me a story!

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks so much

[Sam Ammons]

A worried voice covered his face at this, an expression not commonly seen on him. “You’re sure?” He said.

From chapter two. i think you meant 'A worried look'. Overall i enjoyed it. it grabs my attention, and i'd really like to know what happens next so it's got a hook. i'd drop the brother bit. was there a reason behind this? if so, and you have plans later, keep it in, but i was wondering like everyone else, why's he out there? why'd he jump out of the truck? what was going on? i'd like more detail. about the city too. i wasn't sure it was los angeles until she went to meet s z write. great job sp far.

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks a lot for your advice!

[Bear]

In some of your dialog I think you reach to hard or expect to much and would be better off with a little narration (“Lora. Please listen. I, uh, I want you to know that I still trust you, and you’re still very deep in my heart.) or "Lora, please listen. I" his voice stammered "I want you to know that I still trust you" . ((S.Z. kneeled on both knees - knelled)) there are also a few words in your dialog that are questionable ("Ei! How're all you skulks doin') did you mean Er? You also use Ok when it should be OK also Zacks when it should be Zack's. Over all the story is progressing nicely, the quirkiness of your characters and having their own language of sorts should let the questionable dialog get by but were I you I would fix it. Still intriguing, still has my interest so I would keep reading it were I your average reader :~)

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks for the advice! Glad you think so!

[Cecile Wonder]

Wow this is good. It was almost as if i was there. Great job!

[Tomoe Tellez]

Great! Bravo, good ending to the first part. I loved S.Z. speech about their lives. Alverrann is right, you should mention what happen after the last chapter. It seemed like everyone that has been in the book was there at the meeting, and like how confused Lora was in this chapter. By the way, I forgot to mention that loved very much the line you wrote in the last chapter, "Was she on the side of the YesRife Mountains or the side of the NoRife Mountains?" It was simply awesome and I just kept remembering it through this chapter.

[Stars and Whales]

Thank you! Your feedback means a lot to me!

[David]

"Lora noticed Tammy was one of the only young children there". I know what you meant it just isn't what you wrote. Not trying to be critical but... Read the latest poem I posted and tell me what I am writing about.