Part 1: Chapter 8

Chapter 8

It was the year 2073. Yes, this was also known as the year Mars was found to occupy sure signs of life. But not long after, of course, all exploration and other such acts were long forgotten, and were turned to a distant past. But for Lora, a particular day of 2073 was vivid, yet dark, in a deep hole within her mind.

The wild ocean water had a fast-paced, rhythmic beat to it as it smashed into the side of Lora’s boat. Lora was crying. She was 8 years old. The dark, misty water looked almost evil in a way, and it certainly looked alive. Lora could hear it buzzing with its dormant strength. It pressed into her brain and made her scream within her head. The raging water was interminably exhaling its own mist; this was personified by its loud, angry roar. Lora was cradling a small box in order to suffice for the apoplectic environment surrounding her. Accompanying her in the tiny boat that hardly fit the three of them, was her mother and brother. Waves rose above the boat until crashing violently within. They were all soaked, and there was no escape from the miles upon miles of pure ocean surrounding them.

The sky was dark and stormy, rain crashing down upon them like arrows. Lora screamed to her brother, whose name was Rick. He was only 3. Lora’s voice was squeaky and youthful.

“Rick!” There were tears in both their eyes. “It’s going to be okay! It’s going...to be..okay! I love you!”

Rick looked confused but deep in his eyes Lora saw a horrible, horrible sadness. This was the moment that burned in Lora’s adult brain since. The little baby boy, screaming and whimpering; an utter tragedy to witness: but likely what was more heart-throbbing, more bone-crushing was to see it happen.

Then he was killed. Along with Lora’s mother. Lora had fainted in the black-blue of the storm. When she woke, the sea was calm, and her boat was wrecked and halfway underwater. But Rick and Lora’s mother were nowhere to be found. They had presumably been swept away with the storm; swept from Lora’s life and into an oceanic death.

It was the year 2079. Lora had long lost all memories of her mother and Rick. Nor did she care anymore, because it seemed the rest of the world was beginning to become rather dull and boring. The government was as strict as conceptually possible. The president that year, Ken Kringsley, had absolute control and he used advanced technology against the people. The tech was used in such a manner that the people began to hate technology and its uses. As a matter of fact, they began to hate nearly everything in life. And Lora was deeply involved in all of it. She read several books online, for that was the only way they could be read at the time, but none of them really inspired her or taught her anything. They felt dull and unimportant. An uprising was being readily prepared by the people. But they were now known as the People. And the People were angry.

2084. Ah, the year of the Demolition War. More like the year of fire, and of death. But unlike the fire that burned down the country, a spark of darkness was lit that year. And it filled everything. Minds. Homes. Cities. Souls. The People had finally risen up, and the freedom they hungered was filled with this same darkness. After the war, nothing was the same. Literature connects people to each other, creates a deeper understand of human emotion, and allows readers to hear the thoughts of others. Art represents the creativity instilled within an individual, as well as the excitement and intriguing complexity of life. It also relieves the stress people are forced to bare. So when the People decided for themselves that literature and art were unfit for their community, and after all governmental positions were abolished, the world was forced to bare a new truth. Yes, regardless of the truth that the drifting clouds above stays constant, and regardless of the truth that the bright blue sky stays blue, beneath it lie a dull and pitiful world.

The memories were all flooding back to Lora, of course in 2101. She didn’t know how she remembered it all. Perhaps it was because her brother, Rick Zacks, was standing before her, alive and well. Many things had changed in his appearance, however. Regardless of how sweet and adorable a little boy he had been, his face looked like that of the others: dark and unclean. His face was dirty, and Lora could see straight through him. He had the same wacko thirst as all the others. The same insane personality, lacking common knowledge and overcome by stress. Just like Lora.

When the words poured out of Rick, they sounded like a lie, and a sin. He was only saying his name, but in Lora’s mind a bomb of reality burst within her brain. Yes, the reality of it all. She thought about the tree, and her art; full of sin and despair, yet well and alive. If cared for, why could both not thrive once again? Her beautiful baby brother was exactly like how the young tree once was. Lora felt her eyes fill with tears. Now it was her grown, evil brother sharing similarities with the barren, hideous tree.

Lora was so confused with her life. Who was she? Whose side was she really on? Was she on the side of the YesRife Mountains or the side of the NoRife Mountains? In other words, was she on the side of prosperity or the side of darkness and a forgotten past? Well, for one thing, she had now found her past through Rick. But what had happened that stormy night on the boat? How was the little boy she knew then standing before her when he was supposedly dead?

“Rick, come with me.” she said.

“What?! Why in tarnation would I leave this place?” he responded with a snarl.

Lora took a deep breath. She thought to herself, through a depressed sadness within her. “Rick. Please don’t snarl like that. You’re my baby brother. Baby brothers don’t snarl and give nasty looks. Unless they’re getting a diaper change. Maybe then.”

Then she answered him. “Because my name is Lora Zacks and you’re my brother. We’re going. Now.”

He laughed. “I don’t have a sister. I don’t got nobody, as a matter o’ fact.”

Lora shook her head. “Well, now you do, little bro. Come with me now.”

He slammed his fist on the counter nearby. Then he pulled out a gun, placing it right between her eyes.

“I said, I’m not damn leaving!” he yelled.

It was a blow to Lora’s heart. She made a loud, angered noise, then screamed, “Shut up, Rick! Get this through your thick skull! I am your sister! I had a brother named Rick Zacks, and for some damn reason, Rick, you fit that name description one hundred percent perfectly!”

“How would you like it if I decide to put a bullet through the middle of your head, lass?! You’d look great with holes in your face; I had a lady friend once and she looked pretty damn sexy with 10 holes in her face!” Rick snarled. “Now get your pretty little face out of my sight before I do just that!”

Lora grunted angrily. “Well, damnit, my brother’s a freaking Loony!” Then she punched him in the face. “Maybe that’ll knock some sense into your pea brain!” A Loony was someone who wasn’t just a jerk but rather an insane jerk.

Rick stood, blood covering his nose. He lunged at her. He readied his gun and Lora thought her life was over.

“Good.” she thought. But instead of shooting her brain’s out, Rick struck her in the head with the gun and darkness pounded her brain.

Reviews

[Calibaster]

This was a really random flashback. Also, when she's talking about changing his diaper, she's thinking, because it's only after that that she answers him. You need to change it so it looks like she's thinking and not talking.

Again, try not to have your characters describe things in your voice, give them their own. Normal people don't describe others as snarling, if that makes sense. Also, how in the heck did her brother become western?

Her brother is extremely unrelatable. Their coversation feels forced, smooth it out. Turn her brother into something I can truly picture. Turn their coversation into a real one. Unless her brother has a prominent personality other than lunacy, you can't have a real, relatable conversation. I can see him in my minds eye as a sort of scruffy guy with a lot of negative paranoid emotions. That's believable, but also not the way you painted him. Give him a character, make him a person, cause right now, he's just a jumble of words that make up an idea.

Lora is also very strange in this chapter. I can't see anyone reacting the way she does, especially her. I think she would be more suspicious, mor unbelieving, while trying to make sense of seeing her brother again so suddenly, someone who she thought was dead. This is an important reunion. Make it seem imortant. Make it longer with more disbelief on both sides. Take away his accent, as it draws away from both their characters. Build up to the fight at the end. She would be just as paranoid as him, so make sure I can see that. Don't rush through it.

The background at the beginning of the chapter should have been in chapter one.

How did they get in the boat and on the ocean?

Where's her dad?

Show some more pain in those memories, and the pain she feels when she looks at him. I want to FEEL this chapter. Don't dwell on outward descriptions, tell me the emotions, the tension in the air—I want to see a poor, world ravaged girl meeting her long lost brother, who she believed dead. I want to see maybe even a few tears, that of course she hides.

Does that all make sense?

There were some good things too, the flashback, although random, was well written. Good, job, but make it more relatable, rather than distant, which is what I a can see now.

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks! This helps a lot!

[JMKane117]

I really liked the beginning in the ocean. You made the ocean seem like another character. Your word choices (while sometimes telling rather than showing, but you can fix that in another draft I guess) were good. They helped create mood, setting, and some tension. However, the entire chapter was still lacking in overall tension. Maybe the tension was there, but it was a little too choppy.

I felt as though Zach wasn't a cohesive enough character yet. His character felt like a loose amalgamation of things rather than something much tighter and unique. Also you shouldn't be explaining what a Loony is right after Lora calls him a Loony. That should be established much, much earlier on. In fact, the whole flashback should be established earlier on. This chapter should've been Lora and Zach creating tension the entire time until it finally blows up at the end.

(“I said, I’m not damn leaving!” he yelled.) For that line you don't need the "he yelled" because you already said "I said" at the beginning. It's repetitive and also I could see him yelling anyways.

Overall, it was a great chapter with too many ideas. Perhaps you could split them up in another draft. When Lora and Zach meet, it should be something big, a huge plot point, but it felt less than that because the whole flashback turned into a giant telling scene. You got great ideas here in this chapter, they just need to be organized.

[Stars and Whales]

Wow this is great advice! Awesome...I will definitely change some things!

[Tomoe Tellez]

Contrary to what some writers think, I love flashbacks and it's normal to have one at the beginning of a chapter because this is where you know you are starting to read a different story inside a novel. Though I do think it takes more of this chapter than it should, maybe making that part short would be better, and I love this new plot with her brother, this changes many things and could lead the story through more directions, which just leaves the reader thinking a lot. It is relieving to know that Rick didn't shot her. I wonder why.

[Stars and Whales]

:) Glad you liked it

[Bear]

This is to let you know I have read this chapter and look forward to the next where I will review the last three. :~)

[This Guy (Again)]

Mars has racked up more mentions then the Kardashians, conspiracy theories and shattered Google search records. I'm just kidding, forgive that random comment lol. But on a serious note great chapter. I'm catching up with the book and glad to see you still in stride. Keep up the amazing work Zane and if you have the time, return the favor man. *Thumbs up*

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks! I have a long list, so it is very hard. Like 100 people have asked me, and more than that have reviewed my work. I will review some of yours now though!

[SoberBunny]

And the sense has been made. :) Happiness. Well not really I mean someone whose supposedly her brother just wapped over the head with a gun but yaknow, I love when stories begin making more sense and you get drawn farther into the character's struggles. Great work as always (x

[wordman]

i could see a colony living on mars,and they just discovered water there.
interesting chapter,it is believable ..

[Stars and Whales]

Yes :) Thank you