Part 1: Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Many years back government had instilled a sense of fear within us, and their complete control held us accountable as well as kept us from abomination. But now there isn’t a care in the world, and the government we once thought of as iniquitous and cruel has left us in a situation much, much worse. I remember when I first met S.Z. He told me all about himself right off the bat. He explained how his name stood for “Still Zigging.” A very weird name, which connected him to me from the start. He told me about the death of his family in the Demolition War, and how that shaped his opinions to the present day. He mentioned that he was a “Lord of the Rings” fan back in his time, and how great stories such as that made him realize the power of words. I wish I could get a feel for that. I wish I could step into his world for a day; welcome challenges with open arms, ready to overcome them. I wish I could live the life of a normal human; I only wish there were normal ones left. But I guess, in the end, it’s only a passing thing. A mere whisper in the winds of forever. Time will go on, and S.Z and I will go on right along with it. I only wish I could hope. -Journal Entry 2, October 7, 2101

Lora finished up her last sip of black coffee with a gulp. It tasted like her feelings; dark and mysterious; with a salty bitterness to it. She looked at S.Z and realized how true these feelings were. But where could she escape? There was no paradise within her mind; no paradise within her soul. No open door within her heart, and no golden gate welcome her home from the darkness. Her coffee tasted worse with these thoughts.

She sighed. “Ready to go, S.Z?” she said.

S.Z smiled. “Yeah. What are you going to do the rest of the day?”

Lora laughed. “Oh, you know...probably something incredibly exciting. I’ll likely not survive, for the adventure I’m going to undertake is going to be an extraordinary one for the ages. Someone will have to write a book about it. Then they’ll get beheaded. But the one doing the beheading will be reading my entertaining life story while he sharpens the axe.”

S.Z spurted coffee from his nose and mouth, his laugh uncontainable. “Now you’re talking, Lora!” He stifled. “Can I go? I swear I won’t be a nuisance. If someone is going to write about it you’d better believe it’ll be me.”

“Yeah, but then you’ll be beheaded. The world can’t have that.” Lora said. Then she sighed again. “But we both know that’s completely outlandish. I guess I’ll be headed back to the office now.”

They swung open the door and took a step outside, the cold air instantly wrapping itself over them. “Bye, S.Z.” she said.

“Bye, Lora.” He turned to walk away.

Lora turned in the other direction to leave as well. Then, she heard a noise. It was a noise she could not recall in the halls of memory within her brain. It had somewhat of an awkward beat to it, and, in a way, it made her blood boil with anticipation and wonder.

She was standing on a street corner, ready to cross the street. Then an anxious, scared look covered her face. She whispered to herself. “Holy...oh,  crap. No freaking way.” The noise was from the Pinches. The Pinches were a group of “police.” Basically, they thought of themselves as the police, even though there was no official police group. They went around the country “punishing” people by beating them in every way imaginable. Very often they would take their victims to a particular area in a park, beside a tall tree, where they would then harass them in every way possible to “teach them a lesson.” They were far too strong to resist, and Lora knew not to do anything out of the ordinary when around them. Heck, she could jaywalk and they’d practically kill her.

Lora felt it safe to assume they weren’t coming through the area to go to Coffee.

They parted, and Lora began to stroll ever so casually back to her store. She turned the corner and kept going, a murky wall beside her.

“What a morning…” she thought. The stress of her world was unbearable. Now someone wanted to kill the one person she could trust in the world. The one person that kept her going. The one person that fueled her each day so she wasn’t driven into madness. The one man’s soul that she could benefit from.

“Ugh…” she thought, dreariness overcoming her. Then a million pounds of pure force pummeled into her. Well, to be more accurate, she pummeled into it. Also, it wasn’t quite a million pounds. No, rather it was a large, green dumpster. Lora fell back hard, but instantly jumped to her feet in astonishment. She hadn’t seen a real trash can in many, many years, much less a dumpster! Most people tossed their trash on the ground or just burned it, and that was that.

“What...is...going on?” she thought. She kept on her way, in a daze. Then she felt two strong hands snatch her from behind, grabbing her arms. She also felt her gun slip from her shoulder and into the person’s hands.

She whirled her head around, looking over one shoulder and then the other, her blond hair flailing every which way. Three men stood behind the one that had grabbed her. They all had fat, ugly faces and she knew immediately that they also had fat, ugly personalities. The one that had hold of her carried a name badge on his huge, purple shirt. It read “Phil Shmock.” He gave her a toothy smile, and she took a mental picture of his yellow, moldy teeth. She decided she wouldn’t be ordering double photo prints.

“Hello, darling.” Phil said, grinning menacingly while emphasizing each word with yellow spit flying out of his mouth. “I’ve been hoping to run into you since me and my big, strong colleagues over here noticed you in Coffee with that skulk S.Z Write. Hmmmm, love?” He pressed his face right up with hers, smacking his lips with saliva.  

Lora mouthed words of anger and pure hatred, then shook her arms violently to try to escape Phil’s nasty clutch. “Get the hell off me.”

“Ohhh, listen love, I don’t wanna hurt you. You’re precious. But S.Z Write? Hmmm, I do want to hurt him, yes. You wanna know why? Oh, I’m sure you know why, beautiful one. Hmmm…?” He grabbed her face and dug his black nails into her flesh. “Darling...it’s because I read his freaking idiotic excuse for a story. A book if you could call it that. Each damn word was against the way we run things around here. Because, baby, when the government’s gone, somebody’s got to be in charge...you know that, don’t you sweetheart? Hmmm? And guess who that...somebody...is? The handsome face you’re looking at now, hon. The face of America that in the very least represents the success we have become.

What…? in the...hell? Stop giving me that look, love...I know you know what I’m talking about. S.Z’s damn novel. You haven’t freaking read the crap? Ok, well I don’t give a hell, you’ll find out eventually. I’ll show you it myself when S.Z Write is dead...we’ll be cozy together at my place. Yes...safe and comfortable. You’d like that wouldn’t you...yes, hmmm??”

Lora opened her eyes wide. She knew the only way to escape him would be through her youth, intelligence, and trickery. “You know what Phil...loved one, precious one, my only love...I would like that, as a matter of fact. You could come back to my place babe...we could skip right to that part. Because, love, that was my favorite part of everything you said...you really are so, so handsome...if only I could be released from your strong...so, so strong...grasp, in order to kiss you, everything would be perfect between the two of us and I could love you forever. Just, uh, let me go, babe.”

Phil loosened his grip on her. “But how do I know I can trust you not to just run from me when I release you? I know, I’m not as stupid as I look.”

“No, you look plenty smart, hon? That’s why you’re the face of America...the brains of America! Hell, you are America, aren’t you sweetheart? Anyway, babe, you’re a sexy beast and I love you to pieces all the way from the earth to the stars. I want you, and badly.” Lora leaned in and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. “But I don’t want your “colleagues” to be here while we’re doing our little thing together with S.Z’s book. Would you mind?”

Phil let go of her completely. He smiled, his hideous teeth boasting little pieces of dried meatloaf. “If you do something for me, then I’ll believe you.”

“Ok…” Lora said.

“Tell me that you hate S.Z, and tell me why.”

Lora couldn’t do it. She looked at her feet and thought it over. S.Z trusted her, and she trusted him. She considered him close as can be. She had known him since the darkness had come out. So, in other words, he’d been there for her in the worst of times. She couldn’t do it.

“I refuse. S.Z is my friend.”

Phil showed his teeth then slapped her across the face. “I don’t care! Gus, Goyle, Flynn...go fetch me my favorite knife from--” He paused, looking at Lora. “...our place.” He finished.

Lora cringed at hearing the names of the two men who had created the “Wanted” sign for S.Z Write, even though she had assumed it was them the whole time. But she was going to be alone with just Phil! She would have to act fast.

Gus, Goyle, and Flynn left immediately. Phil grabbed her blond hair and dragged her up the street. They turned the corner, and kept going before stopping in front a yellow, dirty, and utterly thrashed apartment building.

Phil looked at her with his gray, misty eyes. Lora couldn’t find anything in them; they were mysterious and evil looking. “You know what, Phil? I will tell you something. I hate you.”

She slapped him hard across the face. It felt good. “How dare you! Why, you little--” He couldn’t finish his sentence because Lora had grabbed a glass beer bottle that someone had littered, then smashed his flabby head with it. He fell to the ground, unconscious. Lora looked around in a complete circle, and nobody was near. Then, her eyes stopped on her reflection in the apartment building’s windows. She viewed herself, carrying that glass bottle at her side like a weapon, as a nothing. What was she doing? In the first place, why was she living at all? The freedom to do as she pleased had even lessened without a government, thus leaving her in nothing but despair and desperation, lacking hope. She didn’t care about the beautiful blue eyes staring back at her, or the thin blond hair flailing behind her, or even the big, large nose plotted on the middle of her face. She suppressed a glare, closing her eyes.

“Cretin.” she said angrily to Phil’s unmoving body. She turned to walk away. Then she was tackled to the ground by one of the many Pinches that had hurriedly rushed to the scene.

Reviews

[Iris]

This is much more entertaining. I liked the way you described her irritation and the last part of the chapter.
Your punctuation needs some work because I can't tell when you've started conversation or when she's thinking something. Also, you described Lora as a bit rough in the beginning. She threatened to put her gun to a man's throat because he bumped into her, right? How does she suddenly veer from that to delaying tactics? It would be better if she tried to get away a bit unsuccessfully first.
Shouldn't living in such a dangerous world make her a bit better at holding on to a weapon?

I'm very interested in where this is going, actually, and can't wait to see the polished, perfect published book.

[KYLEtheHUTT]

So, here we are at chapter 3.

My biggest thing here is the description of the main characters. We kind of have an idea of what the stage looks like for the book, but after reading chapter three, I feel like I have a better picture of the disgusting character that wants to kill S.Z than I do S.Z and Lora themselves.

I would start to give the readers more of a description of the characters so they can start to understand some things without you having to tell them. For example, if Lora is a beautiful foxy lady, then we don't need you to tell us how disgusting it is that this ogre of a man wants her to kiss him. As it stands, I'd like to think Lora is beautiful based on what you've told me. But, you haven't really given me a true description of her. If you did and I missed it, I apologize. Otherwise, the same goes for S.Z.

You brought the gun back into play here in chapter 3, but I can't help but feel like it appeared out of nowhere. As I previously mentioned, I would make sure I edited the previous chapter and mention her taking it with her to Coffee when she left her office with S.Z.

Other than this, I don't have much to say about the third chapter. I thought it was good. Looking forward to reading the next chapter. Make sure you're going through and editing your chapters as you go though, don't just ignore things that stand out. I know it's exciting to move on to the next chapter, but ironing out details along the way can help with the development of the book in its later stages.

Good job and keep it up.

[Stars and Whales]

:) I know, I'[m just trying to develop the book along. I have some interesting new things to introduce to the reader in the next couple chapters, so I'm trying to make sure I put pen to paper the way I picture it. Of course, if there is something very noticable, I will immediately get into editing. Also, a lot of the time I edit it on my Google Docs, then forgot to change it on here as well. Anyway, thanks a lot for your review. It helps a lot, and after this next chapter I think I'm going to take a couple of days to edit and extend the chapters with more description/plot/character development. Thanks for reading, and have an awesome day.

[Damien Thibodeaux]

Zane, Applause for this captivating tale of post-apocalyptic America. Your descriptive text paints in my mind a cross between 1984 and Sin City. I think this is a great piece of work; you are a very good storyteller. There is a huge audience for this genre, it's sellable and I think you should finish it. I won't spend time critiquing your work, because you do a good job feeding the information in a way which keeps the reader interested and brings them along. Plus I know you will go back and do edits. One thing I am curious about is the age of the characters, especially the heroine, Lora. She seems youthful enough to be up for a fight and still be desirable, but unless she's reading wine lists at a very young age, I would guess her to be in her 40s anyway. And SZ Write would have to be in his mid to late 50s at the youngest, judging by his story of fighting during the time of the fall of Washington DC, which he recalled from 38 years earlier. Am I correct? Anyway, please let me know as you add chapters to this. I am hooked.

[Stars and Whales]

Yes, you are nearly correct. I am going to go back in later and edit as well as make things more clear, such as this. Thank you!

[Damien Thibodeaux]

You're welcome. I really like it a lot.

[Tomoe Tellez]

I think I could give some advice here. "then grabbed a glass beer bottle that someone had littered, then" I saw this line and thought about a rule I have for myself, I try not to repeat words in the same sentence like this or in the same page if I can.
Hope this help, and I don't know if this is the first draft, but sometimes even though I love the action you put into each chapter everything seems to happen, sometimes, a little to fast or together.
Like when you say that Lora and S.Z. part ways she is almost immediately attacked by Phil, I would like to think that she walked far away enough that S.Z. hadn't heard her when she smacked into the dumpster.
Oh and sometimes you write too much in a single dialogue, I think you could separate in between some of the sentences in the dialogue with an action from the character or what he is thinking or planning on doing, like when Lora tricks Phil. I don't know, this is just my opinion, I hope it helps though.

[Stars and Whales]

Yes, this definitely helps! Thanks.

[Connie]

wow very interesting. I wonder how this will end

[SoberBunny]

"He gave her a toothy smile, and she took a mental picture of his yellow, moldy teeth. She decided she wouldn’t be ordering double photo prints." Literally my favorite line out of this whole story. XD ... what happened to her gun?

[Stars and Whales]

They took it...whoops forgot to put that in haha. bad mistake on my part

[SoberBunny]

Oh okay, just making sure she didn't forget she was armed. Because I probably would, I'm a spazz like that. XD