Part 1: Chapter 2

Chapter 2

“C’mon, we’re getting out of this joint, Lora.” S.Z said.

Lora nodded even though she didn’t quite understand why. “Alright, S.Z. I trust you.” She responded.

They exited through the back door and began making their way through the mucky asphalt ground. The sun was bright, and its rays reflected off of a small puddle nearby. Lora looked out at the drab, boring world and then over at S.Z. “Where are we going?” She asked.

“I think you know where, Lora.” S.Z said, looking at her brightly.

They continued to walk in silence for the next couple moments. Then S.Z piped in. “Listen, Lora, I know I ask you this often, but--” His voice cracked and then trailed off. “We’re going to Coffee, and I was hoping this time you would read be willing to read my manuscript over a mug.”

Coffee wasn’t a drink, necessarily, in this instance. It was a place. No longer were stores and restaurants named anything creative, with color and a natural ring to it. Sure, you could go to Chili or Cold Fish, but you could not go to Joe's Pizza Shack. Because, for one thing, there was no pizza. And if there was, the restaurant would be called Pizza. 

And so the large, dull sign came into view, its black lettering murky and worn. “Coffee” was all it read.

“There’s our place, S.Z.” She stopped walking, seeing S.Z’s irritation out of the corner of her eye. “Okay, here’s the deal. I think about it every day, S.Z. I want to read your book. I haven’t read a book in years. Hell, I’ve hardly even read a wine list for over 20 years. But S.Z...I don’t want to be sent back to that time, when I could read novels and poems. I wouldn’t be able to live my life in the present if I did. If I remember what it’s like...well, I won’t be able to turn back after that. I’ll be trapped once again in my past, and today’s life won’t be able to look me in the eye ever again.”

“But couldn’t you--” S.Z started, but was cut off.

“No, S.Z! I can’t just try. Please, let’s just go to Coffee now. Please.”

Lora began to walk away, but S.Z didn’t budge. He shouted to her, “You’re not happy, Lora. You’re not happy with your life right now. I can see it in your eyes, and in your movements. The days pass by with you living a life that is lacking all joy, and yet you let them pass by without batting an eye. This is your life...not mine, not theirs…” He gestured to the large bustling crowd of people. “...not anybody else's. These restaurants serve you day-old vegetable soup and meatloaf, and they say to you, ‘Eat, hearty’ in a slow, monotone voice. You’re letting them choose how you live, and they don’t even have the slightest rule over you! C’mon, Lora, you’re the only person in this world I see hope in. Yes, I see a strong hope in you, and I wish to pry that out from within you and do something with it!”

Lora’s eye began to water, and turned her head from him. “What a wretch! He won’t let up!” She thought to herself as a tear dropped to the ground below. She was confused, and the whole world was to blame for this.

S.Z ran and caught up with her. “Okay, Lora, c’mon. Just forget I said anything, and let's try to have a good morning, alright?”

They walked in silence the rest of the way to Coffee. They swung open the glass door, and Lora looked around at the silent store. It was just about as quiet as one would imagine of a barren desert. The walls were a murky brown, and the roof was covered in a disgusting, wet mud. 

But it was home for almost an hour of each day for Lora. “Let’s see what’s on the menu today, shall we?” S.Z said with a chuckle.

“Oh, for sure, for sure!” Lora said, a smile forming on the corner of her lip.

The menu was listed on a black chalkboard, and in the middle, written in small white letters it read: “Coffee…$6.99.”

That was all. “A great selection today, huh Lora?” S.Z said.

“Let’s order.” She replied.

Surprisingly, they both ordered a coffee, then sat down at a nearby table to chat.

“S.Z, will you tell me that story again: you know, the one about your military efforts in the Demolition War. That one cheers me up everytime I hear it.”

S.Z smiled. “Yes, of course.” He cleared his throat.

“Okay, thank you S.Z.”

“Anytime, Lora. Now, this was 38 years back, and my memory has not faltered one bit. So picture this. The skies are dark and unclear. The wind is howling through the starry night, and a full moon shines brightly in the black sky. Complete pandemonium has erupted in this civil war, and darkness reigns over mountains and within individual cities. But the main battle was being fought in Washington DC, and I was there that bloody night. It was said that over one hundred men were killed...every minute. And this battle lasted for several hours. I was one of the few survivors, and now I have tried to settle down to be a writer, yet each day I am refused of this as well as reminded of the world in which I witnessed its ultimate downfall. Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes. So me and a couple other brave men marched on into the White House to defend our ground against the rest. Our only goal was to prevent the People from taking complete control, but 90% of the country had risen up against the government to tear it to the ground. I managed to escape in time to watch the White House burn to the ground, but that was the very least of it. My freedom was incinerated in those flames as well on that dark and chilly night. My mind swelled up with anger at the sight of it, and so I was able to save several men from the infernal blaze before all hope was lost. And of course that was about the time I got shot. It was in my right leg, and there was no hospital to care for me. I lay there on the cold ground and watched my country fall into complete devastation. And thus darkness has reigned since.”

Lora shivered, but she didn’t know if it was from the chilled breeze that had just passed by, or the reality of S.Z’s nightmare. Probably both.

Lora broke the silence that had then occurred with “This coffee is a bit bland, is it not?”

“Well yes, but isn’t everything?” He actually smiled as he said this. It seemed he always carried a smile on his handsome face, even if he was saying something not at all worth cheer.

Then, Lora had the recurring feeling that there was something she needed to tell S.Z. She thought about it over sips of coffee for the next couple seconds. Then she remembered.

“Oh! S.Z! I need you to listen close. I, uh, I overheard some men talking about you last night. Midnight I think it was. I was on a walk in the pitch black, and I saw the shadows of two men silhouetted in a small gland of light coming from a flashlight. They mentioned your name, and they sounded disgruntled in a way. They also shook hands at the completion of their conversation...seemed like a deal of sorts.”

A worried look covered his face at this, an expression not commonly seen on him. “You’re sure?” He said.

“Yes S.Z. I’m completely, positively, certain.”

S.Z looked lost in thought, and Lora had to snap her fingers by one of his ears to regain his attention. He then turned to pull something from his back pocket. It was a piece of creamy, white paper. He unfolded it and showed it to Lora.

“I think this may answer any of your questions.” he said.

A black and white photograph of S.Z was nestled in the middle of the page, between a bold title stating the word “WANTED” and a short description of him. On the bottom right corner, it read “This was made by Goyle Dawkins and Gus Smith. We do not want this man alive. If you see him, do nothing but aim straight for his brains. Kill him.”

Reviews

[Mister Suede]

So far I've read the intro and Chapter 2, and I have to say that this is definitely a unique idea. The thing I like the most about it, similarly to other reviewers, is that, in this case, people are fighting FOR government. Too often I see it go the other way around (and, in fact, I am guilty of writing a story that goes the other way around).

The one thing I'd work on is paragraph structure and grammar. You've got spelling down, but the story seems a bit jerky at times, going from one topic in the conversation to a completely new one. Work on the flow of the text and connect the ideas with emotions, thoughts, etc. from the characters.


Looks great so far,

Mister Suede.

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks so much! I really appreciate this!

[Jayne Doe]

I really enjoyed the story so far. I love the premiss of this post apocalyptic drab world. Can't wait to finish reading it!

[alifeacoustic]

A world without books and bland coffee is a world I never want to visit. "surprisingly, they both ordered coffee", brilliant line. Wanted dead or dead, interesting. I feel there is more to S.Z. than just rebellion.
Great so far, really like the characters and development of the story.

[Stars and Whales]

Awesome! I have something planned that will show something more about S.Z in later chapters. Thank you, and have a great day, as always.

[AshGrey]

Unexpected. Well, i liked the idea of having the stores named simply by the things they offer. A boring world with no creativity.

[Connie]

another interesting chapter with unique ideas. well done.

[Tomoe Tellez]

Another great chapter!
Like I've told you before, I don't feel like critiquing grammar mistakes yet, but I'm almost sure you meant something else with this "A worried voice covered his face at this". There were some other mistakes like this, so I suggest you read it over. As always I love the quirks you come up with for your fictional stories. Like KYLEtheHUTT said I love what you did with the names of places, I went like "THERES NO PIZZA!" and what the other writer said about the government, in almost all stories and novels it's always the main character against the government or its rules, but I like how you remind us with this story that even though we hate much of what the government does and its laws there is reason why it exist in the first place. If this story ever gets published I'm sure it will be the kind of books they recommend you to read at school by teachers. So keep it up! I will be waiting for chapter 3.

[Stars and Whales]

That means so much to me. Thank you, and I can't believe I made some of those typos! Will fix immediately. :)

[Dawn Dreamer]

Oh no, poor S.Z. He seems like a nice man to me! I bet he's just wanted because he's the only normal guy left in the society...!!

[Aliasxyn13]

Very Nice. I can't wait for the next chapter, want to know what will happen next.
Not sure why, but when i was reading this and the previous chapter, some bits of Disturbed played in my head. Anyway, looking forward to the next chapter and I hope you review my work as well. Always looking for pointers.

[Stars and Whales]

Thank you! Disturbed in a good sort of way or a bad sort of way? I will definitely leave a review for your writing. Have an amazing day.

[This Guy (Again)]

Still putting in work, huh Zane? Still looking good, keep it up.

[Stars and Whales]

Thank you, TheYoungWriter.

[KYLEtheHUTT]

So I read the intro and both chapters.

For the intro, I would do some research on journal formats and try to give the introduction a journal format. Also, journal entries don't require quotations, so I'd remove them.

As it stands, each paragraph should be one journal entry from the looks of it. So if I were you, I would consider dating and timing each journal entry, even if they were all on the same day.

As for the content of the Intro, it's good. I caught my attention and had me wondering what was going to happen in the book to follow. It has a post-apocalyptic feel to it kind, but in reality it's just America, ravaged by war. I'm not sure if what I've read so far leaves me thinking it's a true Sci-Fi novel. When I think Sci-Fi I think futuristic technology, scientific powers that normal human-beings don't possess, so on and so forth.

Speaking of America, I always caution people writing fiction about using modern day elements. It's not a bad thing, but it requires a lot of research and understanding of those places in America. You also run the risk of upsetting readers if you don't depict something from America in a way that they might not like. This alone could cause people to put your book down and never pick it back up. For this reason, I always try to avoid using places that people might know a lot more about than I do.

As for the characters, I think you've developed too wonderful characters. I see them as the writer and the artist. Their powers combined, they could ultimately bring their respective talents to light and embolden the fractured world with culture.

Some of your dialogue seems choppy and forced, especially the dialogue in the artist's office when they come to take her painting. That whole scene just seemed sloppy in my opinion. Sometimes it helps to actually act things out. Play the part of the girl and try to use the voice and dialect that you've given her, even if you can't truly pull it off. Then switch to the other character and respond accordingly. Actually voicing dialogue helps me a lot when I'm writing. When you get to dialogue and actions, this is when the narration stops and the show starts. A lot of people in writing call this "show don't tell". Showing the reader what's happening is a beautiful thing, but if we mess it up and it doesn't flow very well it seems like we're watching a episode of 2D cartoon characters bonking each other and talking like this: "wonk, wonk-wonk-wonk, wonk, wonk."

My favorite thing about what I read was how you illustrated the names of establishments and how they were simply called whatever it is that they have. How society has seemingly lost a lot of its creativity. Have the coffee shop simply called "Coffee" was pretty awesome and the bit of dialogue the characters had about checking the menu was wonderful. These are awesome little parts of our stories that draw people in and help them connect with the stage of our stories.

Taking a few steps back. You mentioned in the book thus far that it was rare for someone not to have a weapon with them. Yet when the writer pulled the artist away from her office, you gave no mention of her getting her gun before she left. There was no further reference to her having it or any mention of anyone having a weapon after you first brought it up in the book. You might want to drive this home as it's a pretty important element to the book in my opinion. If people are regularly armed it must mean that the world is a dangerous place and this would dramatically change how the characters act when they're out in public, interacting with society.

Anyway. I hope this is helpful. Overall, I think what you've got could use a dozen more edits and revisions before you're looking at a rough draft of what you're going to settle with. It's pretty typical to edit and revise things time and time again. Never settle with your projects and you should always be your biggest critique. Push yourself to do better, ask yourself what could be better and then dwell on it and try to make it better.

You're definitely a writer, so don't stop writing...EVER. Keep it up, even if it never goes anywhere. It's a healthy hobby and only makes us better individuals in my honest opinion.

Good luck with the book and let me know if you need any help or advice.

[Stars and Whales]

This is honestly the best critique I've ever received. It is honest, inspiring, and extremely helpful! Thank you so much, and I am going to try to implement some of your suggestions into my writing time. I agree that it has a lot to be changed, but I'm sure that is true of everyone. I really appreciate it, and thank for reading/leaving an incredibly helpful critique for me to benefit from!

[KYLEtheHUTT]

My pleasure. Nobody is perfect and if we don't proof read, edit, proof read, edit, and again and again and again. We have mistakes and errors. If you get to a point to where you've read something and you can't find anymore mistakes it's time to ask someone else to give it a look.

Take my feedback for example. I just read some of it again and I'm laughing at some of my silly mistakes, typing "too" when I meant to type "two"--among other things.

So yeah. No dramas, mate. I got your friend request and I'm going to add you.

Keep me posted or hit me up whenever if you need me to take a look at something.

[Stars and Whales]

Thank you. Same goes for me. If you would like something reviewed by me, feel free to let me know...Please! I love to read. Have a great day!