Part 1: Chapter 2

Chapter 2

“C’mon, we’re getting out of this joint, Lora.” S.Z said.

Lora nodded even though she didn’t quite understand why. “Alright, S.Z. I trust you.” She responded.

They exited through the back door and began making their way through the mucky asphalt ground. The sun was bright, and its rays reflected off of a small puddle nearby. Lora looked out at the drab, boring world and then over at S.Z. “Where are we going?” She asked.

“I think you know where, Lora.” S.Z said, looking at her brightly.

They continued to walk in silence for the next couple moments. Then S.Z piped in. “Listen, Lora, I know I ask you this often, but--” His voice cracked and then trailed off. “We’re going to Coffee, and I was hoping this time you would read be willing to read my manuscript over a mug.”

Coffee wasn’t a drink, necessarily, in this instance. It was a place. No longer were stores and restaurants named anything creative, with color and a natural ring to it. Sure, you could go to Chili or Cold Fish, but you could not go to Joe's Pizza Shack. Because, for one thing, there was no pizza. And if there was, the restaurant would be called Pizza. 

And so the large, dull sign came into view, its black lettering murky and worn. “Coffee” was all it read.

“There’s our place, S.Z.” She stopped walking, seeing S.Z’s irritation out of the corner of her eye. “Okay, here’s the deal. I think about it every day, S.Z. I want to read your book. I haven’t read a book in years. Hell, I’ve hardly even read a wine list for over 20 years. But S.Z...I don’t want to be sent back to that time, when I could read novels and poems. I wouldn’t be able to live my life in the present if I did. If I remember what it’s like...well, I won’t be able to turn back after that. I’ll be trapped once again in my past, and today’s life won’t be able to look me in the eye ever again.”

“But couldn’t you--” S.Z started, but was cut off.

“No, S.Z! I can’t just try. Please, let’s just go to Coffee now. Please.”

Lora began to walk away, but S.Z didn’t budge. He shouted to her, “You’re not happy, Lora. You’re not happy with your life right now. I can see it in your eyes, and in your movements. The days pass by with you living a life that is lacking all joy, and yet you let them pass by without batting an eye. This is your life...not mine, not theirs…” He gestured to the large bustling crowd of people. “...not anybody else's. These restaurants serve you day-old vegetable soup and meatloaf, and they say to you, ‘Eat, hearty’ in a slow, monotone voice. You’re letting them choose how you live, and they don’t even have the slightest rule over you! C’mon, Lora, you’re the only person in this world I see hope in. Yes, I see a strong hope in you, and I wish to pry that out from within you and do something with it!”

Lora’s eye began to water, and turned her head from him. “What a wretch! He won’t let up!” She thought to herself as a tear dropped to the ground below. She was confused, and the whole world was to blame for this.

S.Z ran and caught up with her. “Okay, Lora, c’mon. Just forget I said anything, and let's try to have a good morning, alright?”

They walked in silence the rest of the way to Coffee. They swung open the glass door, and Lora looked around at the silent store. It was just about as quiet as one would imagine of a barren desert. The walls were a murky brown, and the roof was covered in a disgusting, wet mud. 

But it was home for almost an hour of each day for Lora. “Let’s see what’s on the menu today, shall we?” S.Z said with a chuckle.

“Oh, for sure, for sure!” Lora said, a smile forming on the corner of her lip.

The menu was listed on a black chalkboard, and in the middle, written in small white letters it read: “Coffee…$6.99.”

That was all. “A great selection today, huh Lora?” S.Z said.

“Let’s order.” She replied.

Surprisingly, they both ordered a coffee, then sat down at a nearby table to chat.

“S.Z, will you tell me that story again: you know, the one about your military efforts in the Demolition War. That one cheers me up everytime I hear it.”

S.Z smiled. “Yes, of course.” He cleared his throat.

“Okay, thank you S.Z.”

“Anytime, Lora. Now, this was 38 years back, and my memory has not faltered one bit. So picture this. The skies are dark and unclear. The wind is howling through the starry night, and a full moon shines brightly in the black sky. Complete pandemonium has erupted in this civil war, and darkness reigns over mountains and within individual cities. But the main battle was being fought in Washington DC, and I was there that bloody night. It was said that over one hundred men were killed...every minute. And this battle lasted for several hours. I was one of the few survivors, and now I have tried to settle down to be a writer, yet each day I am refused of this as well as reminded of the world in which I witnessed its ultimate downfall. Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes. So me and a couple other brave men marched on into the White House to defend our ground against the rest. Our only goal was to prevent the People from taking complete control, but 90% of the country had risen up against the government to tear it to the ground. I managed to escape in time to watch the White House burn to the ground, but that was the very least of it. My freedom was incinerated in those flames as well on that dark and chilly night. My mind swelled up with anger at the sight of it, and so I was able to save several men from the infernal blaze before all hope was lost. And of course that was about the time I got shot. It was in my right leg, and there was no hospital to care for me. I lay there on the cold ground and watched my country fall into complete devastation. And thus darkness has reigned since.”

Lora shivered, but she didn’t know if it was from the chilled breeze that had just passed by, or the reality of S.Z’s nightmare. Probably both.

Lora broke the silence that had then occurred with “This coffee is a bit bland, is it not?”

“Well yes, but isn’t everything?” He actually smiled as he said this. It seemed he always carried a smile on his handsome face, even if he was saying something not at all worth cheer.

Then, Lora had the recurring feeling that there was something she needed to tell S.Z. She thought about it over sips of coffee for the next couple seconds. Then she remembered.

“Oh! S.Z! I need you to listen close. I, uh, I overheard some men talking about you last night. Midnight I think it was. I was on a walk in the pitch black, and I saw the shadows of two men silhouetted in a small gland of light coming from a flashlight. They mentioned your name, and they sounded disgruntled in a way. They also shook hands at the completion of their conversation...seemed like a deal of sorts.”

A worried look covered his face at this, an expression not commonly seen on him. “You’re sure?” He said.

“Yes S.Z. I’m completely, positively, certain.”

S.Z looked lost in thought, and Lora had to snap her fingers by one of his ears to regain his attention. He then turned to pull something from his back pocket. It was a piece of creamy, white paper. He unfolded it and showed it to Lora.

“I think this may answer any of your questions.” he said.

A black and white photograph of S.Z was nestled in the middle of the page, between a bold title stating the word “WANTED” and a short description of him. On the bottom right corner, it read “This was made by Goyle Dawkins and Gus Smith. We do not want this man alive. If you see him, do nothing but aim straight for his brains. Kill him.”

Reviews

[Mister Suede]

So far I've read the intro and Chapter 2, and I have to say that this is definitely a unique idea. The thing I like the most about it, similarly to other reviewers, is that, in this case, people are fighting FOR government. Too often I see it go the other way around (and, in fact, I am guilty of writing a story that goes the other way around).

The one thing I'd work on is paragraph structure and grammar. You've got spelling down, but the story seems a bit jerky at times, going from one topic in the conversation to a completely new one. Work on the flow of the text and connect the ideas with emotions, thoughts, etc. from the characters.


Looks great so far,

Mister Suede.

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks so much! I really appreciate this!

[Created to Write]

Oh... oh boy. The ending was surprising.

Sorry I didn't get to this chapter for a while. Finals and such are coming up.
School.

[Iris]

Maybe you should read your last chapter. This one was, well, bland. It doesn't have the excitement of the last one and the only thing familiar are the names of shops and S.Z's insistence on reading his book.
Firstly, Lora says "S.Z" too much, whether it's at the beginning of sentences or at the end.
Secondly, S.Z's retelling of the story doesn't have the potential it could've had. Additionally, it is too early to start telling us about the war. The best way would be to explain in chunks at the beginning or middle of each chapter, so it flows steadily.
I don't think you've mentioned either of their ages. You probably should.
Lastly, the way Lora responded to his pleas is good but when she says "If I remember what it’s like...well, I won’t be able to turn back after that. I’ll be trapped once again in my past, and today’s life won’t be able to look me in the eye ever again”, it's unrealistic. Furthermore, what S.Z shouts back at her seems a bit childish considering the well-established voice in the introduction.

[Mister_Sir]

First, I want to apologize for taking so long to reply. I had an editorship during this past semester, and had a lot of reading to do for it, and I had a short story that I had written for my fiction class, which I was editing over the break.
I really like where this story is going. What I really appreciated about the nature of the two individuals' interaction here was the characterization that is evident within it. For example, Lora's struggle between wanting to read S.Z.'s book and wishing to preserve her focus on the future provides an excellent view of a struggle between old, genuine, intellectual curiosity as opposed to a pragmatic existence in the current world. It can also be argued to be a general commentary on the collective zeitgeist of the world, wherein the past promoted intellectual edification, and the present, and arguably the future, provide an increasingly droll and unintelligible commitment to the workings of the current society. I would be interesting if this struggle is explored later in the story in both Lora's mind and in the descriptions of the world. It might also be entertaining to see a heavier struggle between Lora and S.Z. with regard to this situation. That is, Lora represents the modern society, as she wishing to avoid reading S.Z.'s book, and S.Z. represents the old world, as he is the writer.
This idea is actually explored in the next part of the passage that I really like, starting with “Lora began to walk away...” and ending with “...the whole world was to blame for this.” What I really like is that S.Z. makes his speech in the middle of a large crowd. It seems to dramatize the effect of his words, as one can visualize the “day-old vegetable soup and meatloaf” and the “slow, monotone voice” and the hopelessness within the faces of the people around Lora and S.Z. I also was fascinated with Lora's cognitive reaction to S.Z.'s comments. She thinks “What a wretch! He won't let up!” However, as is obvious, she is the real wretch who cleaves unto her lowly existence in the society. I can definitely picture some good character development evolving from this kind of communication.
The next part that really captured my interest was S.Z.'s relating of the Demolition War. When I first read “over one hundred men were killed,” I thought that was quite uninteresting for a civil war that S.Z. described so horrifically, but then I read “...every minute,” and that really heightened my interest in the event. What I found especially interesting was that “the People” were responsible for the destruction and subsequent dystopia. As you know, most of the time dystopian writers establish a totalitarian oligarchy as the prime destroyer of freedom, but they fail to realize that a dystopia can just as easily result from a direct democracy of the people. Such is what occurred in ancient Greece, I think. I would definitely like to see elaborations of this political system in the future. Lastly, the last paragraph provides some excellent potential for plot development, so I expect the subsequent chapters to be quite entertaining.

[Alucard6336]

All governments are corrupt throughout the world, but without formal government, it would be chaos (like the purge movie if you've seen it, only everyday.) Star Wars was the ultimate example of a government that was being manipulated by an all evil figure.

Now this is interesting, and has good pacing and good transition between sequences. Despite the other reviewer's belief in an unique idea with someone fighting for the government, this is untrue, however it's not redundant.

One of the greatest books of all time, The Republic by Socrates and Plato, Plato being the scribe, was a movement for the government.

I will enjoy this book as I am already interested and feel it was executed perfectly, and is quite enjoyable.

[Stars and Whales]

Thank you BryLock! I want you to know that I found many of the posts on your blog to be powerfully inspirational. The way you discussed oppression and other such things made me really see the bigger picture. I wanted you to know that. Thanks again.

[Living_Shadowz]

This chapter built a lot it kept me reading

[Meeks]

So, here's a little tip. Don't write about 'the war'. Ever. Nobody will read it.
Honestly, I don't want to here about post-war either.

The characters are too intimate with each other. They speak their thoughts about themselves way too quickly, with no apparent hesitation or censure. I have a brother, and I still can't imagine talking to him, just off handedly, on the street while walking somewhere, about how I can't look my past self in the eye.
It sounds like some Romantic Era and Gothic combined, along with maybe Classical. In other words, not fitting of the plot.

The character reactions are vamped up too much. Throughout when the one person told their war story (Washington is a horrible battle ground tactically, by the way), I was trying not to laugh at how stupid it sounded. And the other character shivered, which I think is not only unrealistic but hilarious.

You have to change the story too. If you wanna write about war, do it correctly. Soldiers don't care about how many died, they don't care about their nation, they don't care about where the main battle was, and don't care if the night was clear or cloudy. Being in combat knowing you could die within seconds makes your body pump high levels of adrenaline, which sort of blurrs conscious thought down to what is happening exactly at that moment. So she wouldn't describe the weather, and tactical situations, but who she has seen die, and who she watched as she killed. If not about this, then she wouldn't be talking about combat. In fact she wouldn't be able to put it into words at all, unless she is either a bloodthirsty killer or has already sorted out her emotions.
So she's never seen combat and just bluffing. Oh wait, is that a he or a she?

When I continue reading, there is more reaction dullement. The guy just found out he's being hunted, and he tells his GF "yeah, this might answer your question".

Overall, you need to change your characters. Well, at least their reactions, what they say, how they feel, things like that.

You have a dull writing style. I may just be exaggerating something, I think you might benifit from chopping up longer sentences in scenes where there is action.

[Willard Wells]

Still reading but not really any comments at this point. Appears well done at this point.

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good chapter. You are a very good storyteller. Making each situation come alive in visions for the reader because of the good description. I like the thoughts and the costly coffee. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote

[Rainbows Butterflies An..]

Hey so I read both C1 and C2 and here are some thoughts.

I feel that there was too little internalization from the characters. I realize that this is really early onto the story, so it is understandable that i dont feel like these characters have any personality other than sz's history.

Right now. Things are already happening to our hero here and I cannot say Im cheering for them. Hoping to know these guys better!

[Calibaster]

Too fast! Too fast! I'm a writer too, I understand the need to "get to the good part", but you're moving too quickly for me to follow comfortably! (I really do understand, the good part of my story is three books away) I love your idea, but I hardly know these characters at all yet, and yet you already expect me to be ready to stick with them on an adventure! ... Okay, that came out a little weird, so let me explain.
You need to develop Lora's world more, well—not so much her world as how she's living in it. Your jumping ahead to exciting things, and I'm still not quite inside of your world yet. I need more background, but most of all, character development.
S.Z.-why is he called that? Where is he from? How does he know Lora? If he likes art, then how come he's not getting arrested for it since it's all basically illegal now?
Lora- parents? Siblings? Anything? How did she come to own the painting or the gun shop?

If your readers are going to get attached to these characters, they need to be relatable.

[Stars and Whales]

Ok. I think I understand what I need to do. This helps, would it be good to add a whole chapter ahead of this one and fix up some stuff to make it work?

[Stars and Whales]

For character development.

[Calibaster]

That might work, I'd have to see it and read them together.