Part 1: Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Lora Zacks gazed up at the black, ominous sky, nothing on her mind besides why she had heard what she’d heard. Who were the two men in the black coats, and what did they want with S.Z Write? It was midnight, and a full moon shone brightly in the dark sky. The empty streets were quiet, and nothing could be heard except the soft pitter patter of nighttime rain. Lora had overheard the mysterious men discussing S.Z, but details were vague. Lora found it safe to assume the conversation was an unpleasant one, and when the men were finished they shook hands in agreement. Clearly some sort of deal was being made, but in the current state of America you never could tell what was really going on and why. If an individual was to walk the streets of New York, or of Boston, or of Washington D.C, or of Chicago, it was extremely close to certain that they would not find one trustworthy person there. And they would likely be untrustworthy themselves. This could be said about almost anywhere, and in Lora’s hometown Los Angeles, it was even more so. So who could she trust to tell about what she heard? Her options were scarce. After the Demolition War, the People overthrew the American government and took complete control of their country. America was in absolute devastation, and each morning there would be contemporary news of murder and statewide conflict; this was never a surprise, it was more just another way of life.The massive amount of technology that at one time thrived in America no longer existed, yet instead the country could be considered right back in the Stone Age, but much, much worse.

Darkness waited derisively around every corner, and every direction Lora looked a virtual someone was making a mockery of her very existence. Though Lora had the freedom to do as she pleased, her life seemed far too bland when she strayed from criminal acts. She found it much easier to steal the things she needed, same as everyone else, and she found that if you dislike somebody, it felt better to make them hurt. There was no escape. To own a different personality would practically make her inhuman at this point.

Lora knew she couldn’t trust anyone with the information she now held: there was nobody in charge of anyone else, nobody superior in power over another, and she certainly couldn’t go to a random stranger to ask for help. But the one and only person she knew with absolute certainty she could trust was S.Z Write himself. He would visit her in the safe confines of her office every day, and he reminded her daily the truth and reality of the naked world they lived in. It was late by the time she returned home to her small, wooden apartment, and exhaustion soon took her.

The sun shone bright the next morning, and breakfast for Lora was the usual: two poached eggs with a side of blue seeded toast (the toast came without a condiment). The few remaining grocery stores refused to stock delicious condiments such as jam and butter, which Lora decided was just the lack of yet another topping to her empty life.

After breakfast it was time for work. Lora grabbed her rifle and slung it over her shoulder. It was normal to carry a gun on your back wherever you went; to not would be completely abnormal. She took a step outside and looked around at the now noisy city bustling with activity. Angry men were swearing at each other as they attempted to make their way through the city by foot and by car. Lora could hear glass breaking nearby, and the air smelt of smoke and something rotten that she didn’t necessarily want to discover for herself. She sighed and decided to walk to work. The streets were jammed to the brim with traffic, and she knew it would take many hours if she decided to drive, even though her store was only about a mile away.

She was walking at a rather slow pace, and she closed her eyes to let everything sink in. She had to do this often, for the reality of her world was difficult for her to grasp. She opened her eyes and found herself instantly colliding into a large man who wore a black mustache and a brown hat on his head. They both fell on their backs.

He stood rapidly, a frown upon his face. Lora could see the anger in his cold, black eyes. “What the hell do you think you’re doin’?!” he asked.

“I apologize. I’m just going to work...listen, you should be more careful. It was likely my fault; my eyes were closed, but watch where you’re freaking stepping!” Lora felt enraged at the sinister way he looked at her. “Now get the hell outta here before I put a rifle to your throat!”

The man laughed, and Lora could tell it was sarcastic and insincere. “Yes, missy, but I believe it’s you who should be watchin’ your back.”

Lora kept on her way, walking a little faster now. What a nasty man. But now that she thought about it, she realized that she surely came off as incredibly rude herself. She had even threatened the man.

“D****t, why can’t life be easier to handle than this?!” she thought, shaking her head and gritting her teeth.

She then arrived at her store, and the huge, wooden sign read in bold letters, “Lora’s Firearms and Protective Gear.”

She strolled up to her office, none of her employees looking up from their work to give her a “hello” or a “good morning.” She sighed as she plopped down into her large, black chair. Looking around the silent room, her eyes stopped to rest on something large hanging on her wall. It was a painting. A very simple, bland painting. All that it portrayed was a pair of large male eyes engraved in a tree. In the bottom right corner, it was signed in bold, cursive lettering: Lora Zacks.

The tree was barren: it’s branches contained nothing, and the trunk looked old and crusty. This was the only painting remaining in the entire state of California. But why had Lora secretly kept this in her office? Because she wanted something to hold onto in the worst of times, and she couldn’t think of anything that could do a better job of this.

She always looked upon her painting as the only thing separating her from this world of insanity. A barrier in the form of an old tree. Without it, she felt she would be no different from everyone else. After all, what then would she have to hold her back?

She looked up then, hearing a knock on the door. Without a doubt this was S.Z. She got up and swung open the door.

She was startled to see a younger gentleman in an expensive-looking suit and tie.

“Good morning.” he said with a grunt.

He had black, stylish hair, but his face looked somewhat disjointed in an unpleasant, grumpy way. “Um...good morning...I wasn’t...didn’t expect…” she replied nervously, her voice shaking.

“My name is Rock Whiley. You’re probably wondering why I’m here, of all places, on this “lovely” day. Handsome fellow like me, wasting away my day in your unworthy establishment...am I right? Well, I have been sent here by a customer of yours...said he came in your office to complain about your bathrooms. But here comes the interesting part, Ms. Zacks. He told me that he noticed some, er, art in here. This man didn’t necessarily have negative means of doing this, but he did know that I’m a man who knows how to take care of business. And Ms. Zacks...that’s what I’m here to do. I’m sure you won’t mind.” He paused, seeing the large canvas out of the corner of his eye. “Ah, there she is. Oh yes, I’m sure you won’t miss this piece of junk. We’ll take care of it immediately.”

Lora was stunned. Her heart was beating a million times a second, but she was lost at words. “I...um...you can’t...er, what I mean is...listen…” She stammered, screaming at her lack of communication within the confines of her brain. Her eyes welled up with tears. “Please don’t, I...I made this piece myself. It...it means so much to me. You wouldn’t understand.”

Mr. Whiley just laughed as if it was all a joke. “Relax, Ms. Zacks. We have it all under control.”

Lora watched as Mr. Whiley and two other men began to pry the painting from the wall. He hummed as he went.

“Mario, would you go get some matches from my car?” He spoke to one of his partners, in a monotone voice, sounding bored.

Anger welled up inside Lora. What right did they have to take her personal property from her? They weren’t the government, and there was no government to permit this. But there also wasn't a government to disallow this from happening. Someone had to do something. Someone had to help.

Lora slugged Mr. Whiley in the face. “Get the hell out out of my office! Now!” Her anger would not subside. “Freaking...d****t...I said now...get out!!” She threw a glass vase at one of the other men. It nailed him in the shoulder, instantly causing blood to pour out onto the wooden floor.

Mr. Whiley stood and touched his cheek. “Why, you little…” He stopped, for Lora had pounced at him and grabbed him by both cheeks, digging her nails into his skin.

“Leave! I want you gone!” She shoved him out the door, and the other two followed suit without having to be asked.

She slammed the door, instantly slinking down onto the ground and breathing heavily. Then she began to cry.

Nearly a half an hour passed, and Lora remained sprawled out on the ground in sobbs. Then someone tried to open the door behind her without even bothering to knock. She stood, spinning around to see S.Z Write standing in the doorway smiling. He had dark, curly hair, and his friendly face could almost be considered handsome. “But really…” Lora thought. “What is handsome nowadays?”

“Prosh Prosh, Lora.” S.Z said with a grin. Prosh Prosh was his way of saying several things at once. It meant “hello,” it meant “I’m feeling good today,” or it could even mean “You’ve got some chocolate on your nose.” Or maybe it also meant, “Can I lick it off for you?” Lora could never tell.

“It’s so good to see you, S.Z.” Lora bit her lip. “Listen, this man came in here this morning trying to confiscate my painting. I, uh, I didn’t know what to do. I punched him pretty good in the nose though…”

S.Z grinned. “Oh! Were your knees bent like I showed you?”

“Yes, but that’s not the point! They were trying to take my art, S.Z!”

S.Z smiled big. “Ah, so they were trying to steal my eyes, huh?”

Reviews

[Iris]

I liked the way you wrote the first chapter, especially the last line. It's intriguing. However, again, I will tell you, do not assume the reader knows what's going on inside your head. Make it clear what you're trying to say.
1. Lora. Strange character. Is supposed to be nice but snaps at the first man she sees?
2. If there's no government and no rules then who has the authority to get rid of the art and literature? If everyone carries a rifle, people could still have preserved their work.
3. A point that has been made before, if it's worse than the Stone Age, how do they have electricity and apartments and cars and stores and guns? I suppose you were exaggerating, but even that should be accurate.
4. Why is that incredibly important piece of art hanging from her office wall for everyone to see? Is her door always locked?
5. Recheck your work. There are a few spelling and punctuation mistakes.

Despite all that, your story is enrapturing and interesting.
Did I mention I loved the "Prosh Prosh" bit?

[Stars and Whales]

Thank you for all these reviews, Iris! I feel I have improved a lot since I wrote these first chapter a few months ago, but I haven't had time to make a full edit. I suppose I will. :) I agree with the mistakes you pointed out. Thanks.

[Iris]

You're welcome.

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good chapter. You are making life and struggle come alive and strong in the story. I liked the way you are using the description. Making each scene logical and interesting. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote

[Nila M.]

This is very interesting. You've done a great job of crafting a very complex world and I think because it's so bleak you feel really attached right away to the feelings of Lora. You want to see some goodness in the devastated place. I like how you've got so many options as to where the story could go and there's a little bit of magical realism mixed in with the accounts of everyday apathy and suffering. I Definitely really appreciate the characters that have human qualities that you can relate to and hope for,it's a good counter point to the desolate world they live in. I liked that there was surprisingly a touch of humor towards the end, the chocolate on the nose and stuff. I think it lifted the heaviness of the overall scene in a good way.

[Satan's Crow]

I lost my internet connection at the house for a while. I just copied and pasted this chapter so I could read it off line. I'll get back to you with my thoughts when I make it back to the library again. Looking forward to the read.

[Calibaster]

Unlike the prologue, this painted everything rather clearly. And here I was thinking America was pretty bad now! Well done, though you could cut back a little on the profanity. Thanks for not using anything more than "hell" and "damn". My advice is to keep it that way, since it will keep your circle of readers bigger, though it's your story, and I'm no expert. Well done on painting the characters and the setting, but the man in the street part seemed a little random, and the painting in her office seemed even more random. Try to build up to those just a little bit, or at least foreshadow them before throwing them into the readers face, if that makes sense. It doesn't have to be anything big either, maybe just point the painting out earlier on, and explain her great attachment briefly, it will better prepare the reader for when they come to take it.
Again, well done. I'm definitely reading on.

[Stars and Whales]

I never cuss in real life! But I felt this story sort of needs profanity just for the reason of expressing the darkness and evil of the world. the painting comes in later, trust me! Your critique is really helping me! Thanks so much! I can't wait to hear what you have to say about later chapters!

[Stars and Whales]

I will definitely make some edits based off all your critique tonight!

[Calibaster]

I can understand the profanity in that case, though it would be best to not let it get much worse.

[Stars and Whales]

Of course not!

[Calibaster]

That's a relief. Thank you.

[alifeacoustic]

getting the distinct feeling that it would be for the best not to mess with Lora.
I always thought it ideal for the day to come when there would be no more internet or communications and we could all go back to actually talking to real people, but now I don't think it would be such a good idea.
Nicely ended on SZ making an appearance. Leaves the reader ready to turn the page to find out more.
Societal breakdown isn't sounding quite so much fun any more.

[Zoe]

This is a really truly amazing piece of work. I also love this dystopian world you created and I can't see wait come next. I mean the no art or creating things idea and the gruff, fighter part, it's just phenomenal. There is so much detail the images--in brain are extremely vivid. Within the seriousness of it all, I enjoy the bit of humor, too

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks, that means so much to me!

[AshGrey]

The idea of the story is really good. You've got strong imagination. What happens next?

[Melissa Padilla]

I've read the introduction and this chapter and I'm impressed! you did a great job creating what is the beginning of a great story, I enjoyed reading it.
For a moment I felt like I was reading a piece of Ted Dekker's work.

[TheOne&Only]

The perception of the world and the people in it, in this story is intriguing..I love your imagination and how you used it..Its a great way to keep a person curious. And a bit entertained behind such humor. I'm already liking Lora. :) You are def. a good writer! I will read on.

[Yaz]

Amazing chapter! It definitely makes me feel the need to read the other chapters! Very well written and you are an incredible writer. Very interesting and full of brilliant details, looking forward to the other chapters!