Part 1: Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Lora Zacks gazed up at the black, ominous sky, nothing on her mind besides why she had heard what she’d heard. Who were the two men in the black coats, and what did they want with S.Z Write? It was midnight, and a full moon shone brightly in the dark sky. The empty streets were quiet, and nothing could be heard except the soft pitter patter of nighttime rain. Lora had overheard the mysterious men discussing S.Z, but details were vague. Lora found it safe to assume the conversation was an unpleasant one, and when the men were finished they shook hands in agreement. Clearly some sort of deal was being made, but in the current state of America you never could tell what was really going on and why. If an individual was to walk the streets of New York, or of Boston, or of Washington D.C, or of Chicago, it was extremely close to certain that they would not find one trustworthy person there. And they would likely be untrustworthy themselves. This could be said about almost anywhere, and in Lora’s hometown Los Angeles, it was even more so. So who could she trust to tell about what she heard? Her options were scarce. After the Demolition War, the People overthrew the American government and took complete control of their country. America was in absolute devastation, and each morning there would be contemporary news of murder and statewide conflict; this was never a surprise, it was more just another way of life.The massive amount of technology that at one time thrived in America no longer existed, yet instead the country could be considered right back in the Stone Age, but much, much worse.

Darkness waited derisively around every corner, and every direction Lora looked a virtual someone was making a mockery of her very existence. Though Lora had the freedom to do as she pleased, her life seemed far too bland when she strayed from criminal acts. She found it much easier to steal the things she needed, same as everyone else, and she found that if you dislike somebody, it felt better to make them hurt. There was no escape. To own a different personality would practically make her inhuman at this point.

Lora knew she couldn’t trust anyone with the information she now held: there was nobody in charge of anyone else, nobody superior in power over another, and she certainly couldn’t go to a random stranger to ask for help. But the one and only person she knew with absolute certainty she could trust was S.Z Write himself. He would visit her in the safe confines of her office every day, and he reminded her daily the truth and reality of the naked world they lived in. It was late by the time she returned home to her small, wooden apartment, and exhaustion soon took her.

The sun shone bright the next morning, and breakfast for Lora was the usual: two poached eggs with a side of blue seeded toast (the toast came without a condiment). The few remaining grocery stores refused to stock delicious condiments such as jam and butter, which Lora decided was just the lack of yet another topping to her empty life.

After breakfast it was time for work. Lora grabbed her rifle and slung it over her shoulder. It was normal to carry a gun on your back wherever you went; to not would be completely abnormal. She took a step outside and looked around at the now noisy city bustling with activity. Angry men were swearing at each other as they attempted to make their way through the city by foot and by car. Lora could hear glass breaking nearby, and the air smelt of smoke and something rotten that she didn’t necessarily want to discover for herself. She sighed and decided to walk to work. The streets were jammed to the brim with traffic, and she knew it would take many hours if she decided to drive, even though her store was only about a mile away.

She was walking at a rather slow pace, and she closed her eyes to let everything sink in. She had to do this often, for the reality of her world was difficult for her to grasp. She opened her eyes and found herself instantly colliding into a large man who wore a black mustache and a brown hat on his head. They both fell on their backs.

He stood rapidly, a frown upon his face. Lora could see the anger in his cold, black eyes. “What the hell do you think you’re doin’?!” he asked.

“I apologize. I’m just going to work...listen, you should be more careful. It was likely my fault; my eyes were closed, but watch where you’re freaking stepping!” Lora felt enraged at the sinister way he looked at her. “Now get the hell outta here before I put a rifle to your throat!”

The man laughed, and Lora could tell it was sarcastic and insincere. “Yes, missy, but I believe it’s you who should be watchin’ your back.”

Lora kept on her way, walking a little faster now. What a nasty man. But now that she thought about it, she realized that she surely came off as incredibly rude herself. She had even threatened the man.

“D****t, why can’t life be easier to handle than this?!” she thought, shaking her head and gritting her teeth.

She then arrived at her store, and the huge, wooden sign read in bold letters, “Lora’s Firearms and Protective Gear.”

She strolled up to her office, none of her employees looking up from their work to give her a “hello” or a “good morning.” She sighed as she plopped down into her large, black chair. Looking around the silent room, her eyes stopped to rest on something large hanging on her wall. It was a painting. A very simple, bland painting. All that it portrayed was a pair of large male eyes engraved in a tree. In the bottom right corner, it was signed in bold, cursive lettering: Lora Zacks.

The tree was barren: it’s branches contained nothing, and the trunk looked old and crusty. This was the only painting remaining in the entire state of California. But why had Lora secretly kept this in her office? Because she wanted something to hold onto in the worst of times, and she couldn’t think of anything that could do a better job of this.

She always looked upon her painting as the only thing separating her from this world of insanity. A barrier in the form of an old tree. Without it, she felt she would be no different from everyone else. After all, what then would she have to hold her back?

She looked up then, hearing a knock on the door. Without a doubt this was S.Z. She got up and swung open the door.

She was startled to see a younger gentleman in an expensive-looking suit and tie.

“Good morning.” he said with a grunt.

He had black, stylish hair, but his face looked somewhat disjointed in an unpleasant, grumpy way. “Um...good morning...I wasn’t...didn’t expect…” she replied nervously, her voice shaking.

“My name is Rock Whiley. You’re probably wondering why I’m here, of all places, on this “lovely” day. Handsome fellow like me, wasting away my day in your unworthy establishment...am I right? Well, I have been sent here by a customer of yours...said he came in your office to complain about your bathrooms. But here comes the interesting part, Ms. Zacks. He told me that he noticed some, er, art in here. This man didn’t necessarily have negative means of doing this, but he did know that I’m a man who knows how to take care of business. And Ms. Zacks...that’s what I’m here to do. I’m sure you won’t mind.” He paused, seeing the large canvas out of the corner of his eye. “Ah, there she is. Oh yes, I’m sure you won’t miss this piece of junk. We’ll take care of it immediately.”

Lora was stunned. Her heart was beating a million times a second, but she was lost at words. “I...um...you can’t...er, what I mean is...listen…” She stammered, screaming at her lack of communication within the confines of her brain. Her eyes welled up with tears. “Please don’t, I...I made this piece myself. It...it means so much to me. You wouldn’t understand.”

Mr. Whiley just laughed as if it was all a joke. “Relax, Ms. Zacks. We have it all under control.”

Lora watched as Mr. Whiley and two other men began to pry the painting from the wall. He hummed as he went.

“Mario, would you go get some matches from my car?” He spoke to one of his partners, in a monotone voice, sounding bored.

Anger welled up inside Lora. What right did they have to take her personal property from her? They weren’t the government, and there was no government to permit this. But there also wasn't a government to disallow this from happening. Someone had to do something. Someone had to help.

Lora slugged Mr. Whiley in the face. “Get the hell out out of my office! Now!” Her anger would not subside. “Freaking...d****t...I said now...get out!!” She threw a glass vase at one of the other men. It nailed him in the shoulder, instantly causing blood to pour out onto the wooden floor.

Mr. Whiley stood and touched his cheek. “Why, you little…” He stopped, for Lora had pounced at him and grabbed him by both cheeks, digging her nails into his skin.

“Leave! I want you gone!” She shoved him out the door, and the other two followed suit without having to be asked.

She slammed the door, instantly slinking down onto the ground and breathing heavily. Then she began to cry.

Nearly a half an hour passed, and Lora remained sprawled out on the ground in sobbs. Then someone tried to open the door behind her without even bothering to knock. She stood, spinning around to see S.Z Write standing in the doorway smiling. He had dark, curly hair, and his friendly face could almost be considered handsome. “But really…” Lora thought. “What is handsome nowadays?”

“Prosh Prosh, Lora.” S.Z said with a grin. Prosh Prosh was his way of saying several things at once. It meant “hello,” it meant “I’m feeling good today,” or it could even mean “You’ve got some chocolate on your nose.” Or maybe it also meant, “Can I lick it off for you?” Lora could never tell.

“It’s so good to see you, S.Z.” Lora bit her lip. “Listen, this man came in here this morning trying to confiscate my painting. I, uh, I didn’t know what to do. I punched him pretty good in the nose though…”

S.Z grinned. “Oh! Were your knees bent like I showed you?”

“Yes, but that’s not the point! They were trying to take my art, S.Z!”

S.Z smiled big. “Ah, so they were trying to steal my eyes, huh?”

Reviews

[Iris]

I liked the way you wrote the first chapter, especially the last line. It's intriguing. However, again, I will tell you, do not assume the reader knows what's going on inside your head. Make it clear what you're trying to say.
1. Lora. Strange character. Is supposed to be nice but snaps at the first man she sees?
2. If there's no government and no rules then who has the authority to get rid of the art and literature? If everyone carries a rifle, people could still have preserved their work.
3. A point that has been made before, if it's worse than the Stone Age, how do they have electricity and apartments and cars and stores and guns? I suppose you were exaggerating, but even that should be accurate.
4. Why is that incredibly important piece of art hanging from her office wall for everyone to see? Is her door always locked?
5. Recheck your work. There are a few spelling and punctuation mistakes.

Despite all that, your story is enrapturing and interesting.
Did I mention I loved the "Prosh Prosh" bit?

[Stars and Whales]

Thank you for all these reviews, Iris! I feel I have improved a lot since I wrote these first chapter a few months ago, but I haven't had time to make a full edit. I suppose I will. :) I agree with the mistakes you pointed out. Thanks.

[Iris]

You're welcome.

[George Peck]

This is a great story. It could use a little reworking but I love the ideal and the premises of the story. Always remember the hardest part is to come up with the ideal rework is normal it doesn't matter what we think as much as it is what you think. If your happy with what you wrote then keep it as is, don't stop til your happy with it make sure you have your exact vision known to everyone. Thank you for sharing hope to read more.

[Created to Write]

Another great chapter. Sorry it took me so long to read this one. But ehh.. life.

This is a really vivd chapter. That guy had no right! I'm starting to like S.Z. He seems like the only decent guy here.

[Mary]

I'm not an overly educated person, I can't give you a detail list of rights or wrongs, but I think you accomplished here very well the most important thing...... made me wanna know what she heard.

[Alucard6336]

So is any indication of personal beliefs? All writers are driven by personal forces. I think our oppressors must fall too. I have now made a full commitment to read all your work. Great job.

[Stars and Whales]

Your blog was really awesome my man. I love your opinions and I can tell you will be a success in what you do because you are driven and you opinions are strong and powerful.Thanks for the support.

[JMKane117]

I have one question? (More for my own piece of mind) Is this an outline or the actual story? Sorry if that seems rude, it's just that as an outline I can certainly understand why your explaining everything rather than showing most things. But for a polished story (even if its a draft), it's much harder to read if you tell the reader everything instead of showing them. There's an adage in writing: show, don't tell. If you're unfamiliar with that, you should look it up. Again, for my piece of mind, knowing that would certainly help me critique this story better.

So the rest of my critique will be done assuming that this is the your actual story and not an outline only.

If no one is trustworthy in American cities, then why should readers trust Lora's point of view. Is that your intent. Why can she trust S.Z Write? What makes him so special? (I assume that'll be answered later, but readers need something to bite on to). Lora is supposed to be inhuman or at least less morally human than today, but she doesn't feel that way. You contradict her character in many places throughout which makes it hard to believe.

If its worse than the Stone Age, why does she have an apartment? (It's wooden so that's helpful but still). The post apocalyptic-ness loses its value when you contradict it with exaggerations like its worse than the Stone Age. I assume you're exaggerating. The reason it's hard to tell is because (and it always goes back to this) is because the reader is being told everything rather than shown the world. Why are there grocery stores in something worse than the Stone Age? You see my point?

(She had to do this often, for the reality of her world was difficult for her to grasp) This line completely contradicts a previous statement you made about how inhuman Lora is or can be. Lora's character flip flops quite a bit (which is a nice trait, but your descriptions of her contradict her actions). She's holding on to a painting (I assume to connect her to a better part of herself), but also is willing to shove a gun to some stranger's throat. That's actually a very good contradiction in character, but it doesn't work so well because of the way other things you've written about Lora make it less believable.

If the painting is supposed to be a secret, why is it out in the open of her office (an office in the Stone Age btw). Does no one ever go in her office? Why not? What's stopping them? Is it Lora's willingness to kill them if they do?

Anytime a character thinks internally, you should italicize so it isn't confused as spoke dialogue.

I hope you don't take all this negatively. It's great premise, you have a very clear and concise voice, and good descriptions. I'm am curious to read more. With some improvements it'll be even better.

[Stars and Whales]

Outline :) Lora isn't supposed to be trustworthy; S.Z is. Great advice, this helps me a lot! Thank you so much!

[Satan's Crow]

Nice.
Sorry I took so long to get back to you. I can procrastinate my a*s off but I'm determined to read this.
I went back and reread the introduction first_still magic for me, and this is actually my second reading of your first chapter. Guess I wasn't focusing the first time because I didn't know what to make of it. I hadn't realized from the intro that the gun shop owner was a girl. I don't know, "gun shop owner"and I just pictured a man.
On the right page now and still find this interesting.
Lora and S.Z. are intriguing characters and so is the dystopia they live in, I love post apocalyptic fantasy so this is a fun read.
I wonder though if maybe you should flesh the story out more. I'm thinking this will come as the story progresses but we only seem to be getting glimpse, here and there instead of a steady stream of being plopped right down in the middle of this world and the lives of these characters .
Not sure what I'm trying to say here, more graphics would bring this nightmare to greater life.
Just thinking... can't wait to read more/
You have interesting things going on in the story. The encounter and exchange Lora had with the guy she bumped into was revealing. I think you have a story to tell. Lora's soft spot for S.Z., is nice plot development too. Brings her character into sharper focus, she's on the fence. Part of the world and at the same time, not. Makes one wonder how this will all turn out.

[Stars and Whales]

thanks so much for your feedback! means a lot to me.

[Living_Shadowz]

Seems mysterious. I like it

[Prince Bonsu]

strong chapter. its a very good read...logically arranged and no doubt interesting. kudos!

[NateBriggs]

My executive summary for this chapter:

1) Another dispatch from a bleak world that I can't imagine people would be all that interested in.

2) And a situation full of weird angles. You can get eggs—but not butter and jam. The government has fallen—but somehow there's electricity to make toast. People walk around armed—but somehow she's renting space in a building and owns a business with employees. A strange kind of anarchy.

3) The dialogue reminds me of anime: everybody screaming at each other. It wouldn't surprise me to discover that anime is a big influence on you.

4) There's certainly conflict, but I don't know the source of it. And, more importantly, I don't see why I should care.

[Stars and Whales]

well thanks for your honesty, of course!