Chapter 1

Chapter 1

“And...#411!” Tyre, a redhead with muscular features, announced devilishly, putting the attending Zobbs in uproar. A short, chubby faced Zobb with stringy, white hair winced in horror, every ounce of his face filled with terror.The weekly Pluck had been completed, and #411 would soon be the sun’s scapegoat. The sun was in its red giant stage, and it bubbled in the orange-red sky awaiting the return of another of its previous occupants. The sun would take #411 for itself, and this Zobby would spend the rest of his days burning in the sun’s hellish confines.

“Zick! It’s okay, laddie! The Prine is out of control! But a day will come when we’ll live in a land of green, and of blue. You’ll be there when this happens, my friend.” It was the voice of #776. He was sitting beside #411, whom he liked to refer to as “Zick.” #776, in a small attempt to restore what he thought of as a normal life, had chosen nicknames for each and every Zobb. He liked to refer to himself as Burn. It was a feeble attempt, yet a normal life with real names and real conversation pertained not only to a normal life, but a life worth living. Yes, he was trying to give Zick some hope, even if just a little hope.

Zick’s bow-legged legs wobbled as he walked slowly to Tyre. Tyre spoke. “To honor your people in such a way as this is truly extraordinary! We know you will be welcomed home with open arms. Now, let us send him off, as usual, with our Universal Address.” Tyre paused as a menacing smile formed on his face. “Everyone...please welcome the Prine to our hospitality! And by that, I mean everyone is required to warmly welcome him or they will be accompanying #411 to the sun.”

The Prine was not a Zobb. No, rather he was a thought, a reason, a meaning, and a definition; as was he a place, a world, and a universe. Moreover, and differentiating in a way from the others...he was fire.

A rippling voice boomed through the air from nowhere. It filled the air and sent a virtual flame through Burn’s interior. “Death belongs to me. We are death. You for me and me for you. The darkness belongs to me. I am darkness. Yet I am the light. Unity exists because of me. But Unity would separate us. I am your soul...allow me to see it.”

Flames burst from the skies but then conversed into darkness. The light of that day had dispersed, and the time had come for Zick. “Deliver him…” the voice echoed.

Burn felt rage fill his brain, yet he refrained from acting upon this anger. No tears fell, and no sorrow could be seen on his face. The Prine had everybody convinced that what he was doing was universally sound...that it was to be desired. Burn was against it all, and every last word rang in his mind as a lie.

Zick held in tears as he stood, shaking, in front of the crowd. Tyre, as well as several others that Burn perceived as lower in command, lifted Zick in the air and proceeded to shout in the direction of the sun. “Let death not take him, but we offer his soul! #411!”

Tyre glared at the crowd. “Hey, join in! We gotta get louder!”

Several people began to shout  “#411” the same way Tyre and his crew had been. “Hey! Damnit, I said join in!” Then Tyre pulled out an InfernoGun and shot a voiceless Zobb in the front row. The fiery projectile burned in his chest and exploded seconds later.

“#411!” could be heard incredibly loud throughout the crowd then, but Burn remained silent.

The next couple seconds happened very fast. First, Zick evaporated into a fiery blaze and was gone. The instant this happened, the sun lit up and vivid light shone throughout the land once more. A loud cheer erupted amidst the crowd, and Zobbs embraced one another in complete joy. But darkness took Burn away from it all, regardless of the restored light. 

"When we found this world, it was prosperous and flourishing. Now all that remains is the evil that we brought with us when we came." he thought.

Reviews

[Cyndy Robinson]

Wonderful imagination and I especially like the the last line, kind of casting these people with some of the same problems humans had. Very interesting and moves with a nice flow. Makes you want to read more of it.
Suggestion: Chapter 1 second paragraph :"It was a feeble attempt, yet a normal life with real names and real conversation pertained not only to a normal life, but a life worth living." Is awkward to me consider maybe breaking it into two sentences. Something like It was a feeble attempt at a normal life. Real names and real conversation pertain not only to a normal life, but a life worth living. There isn't anything wrong with the way it is currently written, its just for some reason my eye wants to read at a normal life inspite of the comma and I had to reread it.
Great Story!

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks Cyndy! This helps me out!

[richieb]

Good description and interaction of death scene. Burn not buying into the system taking on hero's role with Tyre cast as anti-hero, this now creates future conflicts for your story. Richie B.

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks richieb! Thanks for reading!

[CJ Pole]

Disclaimer: My critique is just my opinion and I am by no means an expert. Please take all or none of my feedback as you like. I hope to be of some help to your writing in some way. I have not read any of the other reviews of this piece, so apologies if I'm repeating what others may have said.

I’m a little confused. I’m having trouble with knowing where they are and whose POV this is. Is it interior or exterior?

EDITING NOTES:
Zick’s bow-legged legs wobbled as he walked slowly to Tyre.
Bow-legged legs doesn’t work.
ALTERNATIVE: Zick’s bow-leggedness caused him to wobble as he made his way to Tyre.

The weekly Pluck had been completed, and #411 would soon be the sun’s scapegoat.
‘Scapegoat’ confuses me. #411 is being blamed for the sun’s problems?

Zobb or Zobby – to have both is confusing.

Zick, Zobb – too close. Change #411’s name to something that doesn’t begin with Z.

It was the voice of #776. He was sitting beside #411, whom he liked to refer to as “Zick.”
So this isn’t Burn’s perspective then? It seems like it is, but saying “it was the voice of #776” disconnects the POV.
ALTERNATIVE: “Seated beside the condemned Zobb was #776. “Zick!” he whispered. “It’s okay, laddie! The Prine is out of control! But a day will come when we’ll live in a land of green and blue. You’ll be there when this happens, my friend.”

It was a feeble attempt, yet a normal life with real names and real conversation pertained not only to a normal life, but a life worth living.
A normal life pertains to a normal life? This sentence needs to be re-worded.
EXAMPLE: Perhaps it wasn’t much, but Burn knew that a name – a real name, not just a number – would help give the Zobb’s an identity. And with that, perhaps they could begin to find value in their lives.

Yes, he was trying to give Zick some hope, even if just a little hope.
This reads like a storybook narration. “Yes folks...” etc. It connects the reader to the narrator, breaking the fourth wall, as it were. I would lose the ‘Yes,’ part.
ALTERNATIVE: He was trying to give Zick some hope.

A rippling voice boomed through the air from nowhere. It filled the air and sent a virtual flame through Burn’s interior.
One too many ‘air’s’.
ALTERNATIVE: From nowhere, a booming voice rippled through the air, filling it, and sending a vitual flame through Burn’s interior.
Burn’s interior? Burn is...a robot maybe? If not, ‘interior’ is an odd noun to use. Not sure what you mean by ‘a virtual flame’ either.

Flames burst from the skies but then conversed into darkness.
Conversed means to enage in conversation. I think you’ve used the wrong word here.

Tyre, as well as several others that Burn perceived as lower in command
Lower in command? Not sure what you mean by this. Lower in command can only refer to rank.

But darkness took Burn away from it all, regardless of the restored light.
Not sure what you mean by this. Do you mean his depressing thoughts?

"When we found this world, it was prosperous and flourishing. Now all that remains is the evil that we brought with us when we came." he thought.
Thoughts with quote marks are too easily confused with speech. You need to choose another way to convey his thoughts. Italics would do a better job.

The Prine had everybody convinced that what he was doing was universally sound...that it was to be desired.
Then why does he need to violently convince everyone to cheer? Seems to me that Burn isn’t the only one not convinced.

IN SUMMARY:
It suffers from a lack of clarity. This could be remedied with tighter editing, clearer
paragraphs, and sorting out the names. There’s also an unclear POV. I would start with Burn’s POV so it’s instantly established. There’s a lot of speech from Tyre – not sure you need to use up all of these precious chapter one words on that. The same can be said but with less words. Here we have our main character – Burn – witnessing yet another of his friends being sacrificed, and he’s inwardly angry about it. Good start. But you could give us more. Come at it from Burn’s POV – give us more than just his anger – and see how that goes.

Many thanks for sharing your writing and I wish you the best of luck with it!

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks! I appreciate this! You gave many helpful pieces of advice!

[Alucard6336]

Kind of hybrid like many great stories. Sci fi-horror like in some ways. Descriptions we're spot on, and I felt as if the characters and setting were very correct. Great work

[Stars and Whales]

Thank you! I am going to be putting up Chapter 2 very soon.

[Willard Wells]

Great imagery and intensity, but not my cup of tea. I am sure you will find a large crowd gathered for this type of story. Thanks for sharing.

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks for reading! I know this type of story isn't for everyone, so thanks for taking a look!

[Rainbows Butterflies An..]

Very good prologue! Builds interest while setting the environment up for the reader. Keep it up!

[Calibaster]

So, ... Did he get shot or ... I was a little confused. Zick was his friend right? Yeah, I'm just waiting for the Doctor to show up and explain it. I doubt that will happen though, so you'll have to explain it instead. Describe these creatures a little more, describe the Prine in more detail, and help me relate to the characters more, alien though they might be ... Does that make sense?

[Stars and Whales]

Yes. Thanks, I will! Makes complete sense! I just posted Chapter 7!

[Calibaster]

Great, I'll check it out asap.

[terry smith]

Great start!! makes me want to keep reading, and that says it all!

[Nila M.]

Wow, Bravo! What an intriguing story. Gripping and interesting from the prologue. It felt post apocalyptic and also ancient in a funny way. Beings with limited resources over time have less less and will fall to the wayside. It reminded me of some of our current issues facing the human world and where they stand to go. The writing was clear and snappy and kept everything moving at just the right pace, and the end of a paragraph you truly wanted to hear what was coming next. Great description of the overall features of the land and society and the kind of primalness of it all. Well done! Thank you for sharing that with me, I really appreciate it. A very fleshed out story in a small space is a difficult thing to do, good work!

[Stars and Whales]

It is post apocalyptic! It is a sequel to "One Man's Soul!"

[Stars and Whales]

Thank you!

[Nila M.]

I really look forward to reading more.

[Nila M.]

I wonder if there will be a future that looks this way at some point. It's scary to think about. But like you mentioned, even our time on the earth as humans has been nothing when you look at the big picture.

[Perkele.7885]

You write an interesting story, Zane my friend, but what I need if I am to be able to continue to read comfortably and to enjoy your writing , is to have a list of names, nick-names, descriptions etc that I can quickly refer to until I can get used to all of your terminologies and characters and places. Right now, It is so difficult for me to stay focused.