Prologue

Prologue

Over infertile lands and dusty paths, and under the constantly drifting, blood-red sky and burning sun, Zobby #776 ambled along through the thin dirt amidst many other Zobbies and Zobbas to the Prine. Just for clarification, a Zobby is a male, whereas a Zobba is a female. #776 had dark, reddish, puffy skin with welts across his face, almost as if his skin had been contused in some way. In fact, all Zobbs looked as such, worn and battered. The sky was huge, and the scorching sun covered a large portion of it.

Each Zobb had a specified number given to them by the Prine, the reason being so that the Prine could easily punch in a number to their tech and find every piece of information there is about that Zobb. And not just a name and a background...everything, and that means an exact location, everything they’ve said or done EVER, and several angles of them through camera. They could even pull up a personal perspective coming from that Zobb’s eyes. The Zobbs “lived,” if you could call it living, in the middle of an infinitely expanding barren desert, the sweltering sun and twinkling stars acting as their roof. They didn’t eat, nor did they drink, for they did not require nourishment to survive.They were headed to the Prine now, the dusty wind pressing into #776’s face.

Once a week the Zobbs were summoned to the Prine to take part in the Pluck. This was a reaping of death. Whomever was chosen would be sacrificed to the sun. You see, the Prine felt indebted to the sun in a way.The sun’s enormity and overbearing heat had little effect on the Zobbs. Several events can be used to back this up. At one point when “humans” roamed the Earth, the sun started acting up. “Humans” are a species of prehistoric creatures who thought they had the Earth to themselves long ago. For almost 5 billion years they developed and adapted to several small environmental changes, but the struggle and stupidity of their state kept them from evacuation and survival. When they were least expecting it the sun roasted them to a crisp. Humans would not have lasted long whether they had escaped their fiery death or not. The humans hated each other down to the marrow of their bones; the hatred was within every one of them, and they didn’t care for anyone or anything.The whole world was at war, and there was no peace. They died at a point when they were farthest apart as a species. So they were gone, and the same could be said for whatever other species had at one point coexisted with these humans. That was when the Zobb people tore themselves from the sun’s core and came to inhabit the Earth.

Reviews

[Alucard6336]

I thought I'd stop by and read this too before chapter 2 comes along. This part is both scientific and theoretical. You use correct English and it was easy enough to read, which is the mark of a good writer. Later on you should expand in the historical aspects and any interpersonal relationships between characters. You did great either way.

[Stars and Whales]

Yes, I actually have a whole novel before this about that history, and this is the sequel! Check it out, its called "One Man's Soul."

[George Peck]

I really like what you wrote and you kept it interesting that's sometimes a hard thing to do in a prologue. Thank you for sharing

[Alyssa B. Long]

Woah, that's really awesome. It's similar to what I have in mind later for my chapters in my story (which I had to fix). I love the visual representation of the environment most of all!

[Ed Hart]

i think the names you have chosen for your characters detracts, rather than adds and sustains the seriousness of your language...that's all you get from me...i've got too many chores to do to cultivate in your fields...

[Stars and Whales]

could you check out "5 Lives?" It is my current project and it is much better

[richieb]

Very interesting, this is not my genre but the technique of writing is the same for all genre's. I think you did a nice job of introducing your characters and their landscape. You have created an opening conflict with the life threatening "Pluck" to interest the reader to continue to read. you have covered your Prologue well. Keep writing. Richie B.

[CJ Pole]

Disclaimer: My critique is just my opinion and I am by no means an expert. Please take all or none of my feedback as you like. I hope to be of some help to your writing in some way. I have not read any of the other reviews of this piece, so apologies if I'm repeating what others may have said.

Prologues are tricky things for a new writer.

Page one is the most imporant page (IMO) for a reader. There are so many literary choices out there for a reader that there needs to be enough interest on that first page to want to turn to page two and keep reading your book and not try someone elses. Established authors can get away with a lot on a first page, but a new writer needs to suck the reader in. A character in a situation/problem that needs to be solved is a good way of doing this.

I like your prologue – it’s well written, and it does spark some interest in me. But ask yourself if you really need a prologue. Because you’re using that precious page one to say: ‘here’s the situation on Earth in this fictional future’. You introduce a character but only by name – nothing more is given to make me immediately care about #776. You give the situation that the world is in but your prologue is asking me for a long term investment in the writing. An immediate threat/problem that your character is in would give me a short term investment in your writing and that’s what I want as a reader of a new writer. Not ‘here’s the world that the book is set in’, but rather ‘here’s a character with an immediate problem that will be interesting to solve, so turn to page two to find out what happens!’

Regarding the writing, it’s solid. But it’s also detached. How does #776 feel about all this? The following is an example of those important page one words that could be simplified and used to show us #776’s character:

ORIGINAL
Each Zobb had a specified number given to them by the Prine, the reason being so that the Prine could easily punch in a number to their tech and find every piece of information there is about that Zobb.And not just a name and a background...everything, and that means an exact location, everything they’ve said or done EVER, and several angles of them through camera.

ALTERNATIVE
The Prine maintained constant surveillance, and assigned each Zobb a unique number for immediate traceability. #776 had always rather liked his number. Sure, it wasn’t as constant as #314, or perhaps even as beautiful as #161, but it was his number and he rather liked it.

But okay you want to keep the prologue? Forget about the background on Earth. Make it about #776 and him heading to the weekly sacrifice. Make it from his POV rather than an omnipresent narrator’s one. Now we have a character, his POV and his feelings about heading to the weekly sacrifice. Earth’s background can come later. I think this would work a lot better.

Many thanks for sharing your writing and best of luck with it!

[Sudeep Mishra]

You have got a huge gravity embedded to this story right away from the start. I am just magnetized to read what next is approaching. Tints of suspense in this part is adding curious chrome to it. Very nice descriptions to Zobb's living and dwellings. In fact you have nailed a very strong point of human extinction, I liked the way you wrote " The humans hated each other down to the marrow of their bones" and that might have had endangered their survival. Well penned.

[Stars and Whales]

Thank you!

[Calibaster]

Try not to just feed the information to the reader, but weave into the story, it makes it smoother overall. Other than that, it is intriguing, well done.

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks! I'm gonna post Chapter 7 of "One Man's Soul" in about a half hour. Will you be on then to read it?

[Calibaster]

Probably not, my dads kickin' me off now. But I will get on tomorrow.

[James Glazier]

You created a whole new world, I've never been able to grasp this far fantasy I envy you. Good job.

[Erik T. Jackson]

Very creative... What is the significance of #776?

[Stars and Whales]

I will explain more in depth in later chapters when you get to know the character. Thanks!