Chapter 1

Chapter 1

50 years later...Under the wavy, deep blue skies of the Planet Proth, Brent Wharwood slowly opened his eyes to the start of a new day. His light blue skin toned down the vivid, bright green of his eyes. He sat up in bed, his dirty blond hair swaying to the morning breeze. “What to do today?” he thought.

The possibilities were truly endless. He could play binpball with his friends. He could ride his esteemed Mogwort through the red woodland. Or he might even be able to go for a swim in Lomgarrian's Cove. One thing Brent loved to do was explore. To him, discovery would be something extraordinary. The chance at change was something irresistible. Yet nobody else on Proth thought along the same lines as Brent. They liked things as they were, and to change would be prudent.

Brent took a step outside of his small, wooden home and gazed up to the sky. He lay in the grass of his front yard and took a deep breath of the salty morning air. As usual he felt wrapped up in wonder and confusion. Nobody on Proth had ever explored “Upper Proth,” as the actively drifting sky was referred to by everyone who cared to bring up the subject. Nor had anyone felt a need to discover what lies beyond, because, frankly, what does it matter?

As Brent looked out upon the world he knew, he saw nothing but hopelessness. The wooden homes were worn and battered. The fields were dead and in ruin. Brent also noticed the solid, gray ground was turning murky and polluted in areas: almost as though they were becoming not so different from mankind themselves. But nonetheless, the Proth people remained in high spirits.

Now, I suppose these Proth people could do with a bit of a description nowadays, because to be honest, who knows what types of unlikely creatures could be reading this. Imagine if a man got their grubby hands on this! All I can really say is, it's a good thing nobody on Proth knows of the existence of mankind, for Proth people never bothered to wonder if anything lie beyond their world, nor did they care. They were safe within their walls, and that is all that mattered. Anyway, Proth people are neither big, nor are they small. Size is an illusion: the opinion of larger beings towards Proth people will be largely different than that of smaller beings. They have no magical blood; nothing about them pertains hints to an irregular being. Parents leave their child to fend for themselves upon reaching “the Age.” The Age is when a young one reaches the point of mental stability and proper functionality (meaning they can think for themselves and they acquire the common knowledge that if they don’t do all things necessary to survive, they simply won’t). But the children are as children are, and they know how to have fun.

Proth was all one large city, and some people referred to this city as Prine. It was ruled by Rillous, the short, brown haired person that had left Proth in a tyrannical abyss. Proth was covered by a solid, crystal dome separating them from whatever lie beyond.

Brent viewed life as a possibility. That and that alone. A possibility of discovering something new. A possibility at making life interesting. But most of all, Brent Wharwood viewed life as a possibility to make change.

And as he lay there in the grass, and pondered these things, Old Irt strode on up the road leading to Brent’s home, his white beard flailing every which way with the wind. Old Irt had been involved in Brent's life ever since he was a baby. Old Irt was found living alone and abandoned many, many years before, and he had always been somewhat of an outcast. In fact, he was always demeaned and avoided because of his different colored skin. He had paler skin than the other’s light blue skin, and his could be considered almost white. The only person who accepted Old Irt for who he was and respected his opinions was Brent. In fact, Old Irt had even saved Brent's life one time. But we'll get to that later.

Of course, Brent’s parents had gone and left him by now, as he is clearly a very intelligent individual. So Brent was alone in his thoughts until Old Irt was standing before him.

“Good morning, Brent.” Old Irt said, his voice scratchy and worn, as you would expect from someone as terribly old as Irt.

Brent sat up in a start, completely perturbed by this sudden arrival. “Oh, Irty, it’s just you. Well, good morning, I wasn’t expecting anyone today.”

“Completely alright, young Brent.” Old Irt paused to take a deep breath. “I just wanted to stop by and see if you’d be at all interested in escorting me to the Barren Badlands.You’ve been there once before, of course. I need to speak to Rillous.”

Brent raised his eyebrows and gave an expression indicating he clearly didn’t want to go back to the Badlands. “Irty...you know I’d do anything for you after what you did for me. But back there? Those are evil grounds, Irt.”

“I’m not just asking you because I want you to go. I need you to go, Brent. Nobody else can be of assistance to me...it is necessary that you are the one. You do not understand now, Brent, but you hear me now, you will. You will.”

Brent opened his mouth as if to speak in opposition, but decided against it. “I just don’t know, Irty. You’re wise, there’s no doubt about that. If you need me to go, I’ll go. But if there is any way I can see my parents again before I go...I haven’t seen them in years, Irt, years! You know it’s not safe, so I just want to see them before I go.”

Old Irt jabbed a finger to Brent’s chest. He spoke loud and clear, enunciating every word with meaning. “Good, Brent. Good. You will see this is all for the greater good. Go to your parents. Tell them everything. Blame me: they know you’re indebted to me. Meet me by the silver gate at half past noon in two days.”

Then Old Irt started down the dusty trail, his worn legs struggling not to collapse every few steps. Brent returned into his home then, reciting Old Irt’s words in his head. “Go to your parents. Tell them everything. Go to your parents. Tell them everything. Meet me by the silver gate at half past noon…”

“That I will do.” Brent thought. “That I will do.”

Author's Note

Don't be afraid to be critical!

Reviews

[Bear]

Critique: You want to build the illusion in your readers mind that this is another world so things like plywood brings them right back to here. I would change it to something new like polywood, man made things either wont exist on Proth or it would have a name fit for that planet. Also don't get into the bad habit of over using the saying something twice to give the statement impact. It will lose the effect quickly, in my opinion you did it to many times already. You can get by if you make it a habit of one of the characters, which you would explain through the narration.
Review: Intriguing, you peeked my interest and have me wanting to read more so well done :~)

[Stars and Whales]

I will make some changes! Thanks!

[Dani The Unreviewed]

Bear said it all my friend. Keep going.

[Alucard6336]

I really like this. You are a man of great intelligence and I will tell you one man can make a difference. The dialogue and actions from the characters made them life like which you know I love.

Thing started to make sense to me when I was around 22...I first started to write shortly after. Your writing I very refined and that is what makes it great. Awesome job.

[Stars and Whales]

Thank you BryLock! All your feedback means so much to me, and really makes me want to keep writing for the good of humanity, hoping I truly can make a difference. Thanks so much.

[Justin Littlefield]

So, first of all I think you're good at creating names to fit those of Proth. It helps establish the extraterrestrial feel for sure. The dialogue is believable, good use of colloquialisms. It's a good introduction to the plot, because immediately the reader thinks things like, "I wonder what is so crazy about these badlands" and it makes the page worth turning.

Something I would suggest, again, is description. Bulk up the chapter with distinctions, images that will force the reader to see it similar to the way you do. Describe the significant appearance differences in proth people, describe the shape to the buildings, the sort of otherworldly decor in brent's home, or give little hints as to his past, maybe a scar on his face or something. Simple little details go a ling way as the story progresses, and thus is what sticks.

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks! I will read yours right now. I think Chapter 2 will answer a lot of your questions as well, and I hope you read the prologue because without you may not understand... (: Again, I appreciate it and look forward to reading your work. I will make some edits based on what you think is necessary.

[Joaquin Rivera-Wilcox]

Your descriptions are amazing! Not too long and not too vague! I love the idea of a "smaller" world that isn't really smaller, but an illusion! You have talent and I can already feel myself becoming connected to Brent and Old Irt! Nice work! Keep at it!

-Shadow

[Max]

Okay, now I see that some people had trouble imagining what it would be like to live in that world. I had no trouble understanding, and following the story line. The characters are easy to connect with, descriptions are not too long, and boring. You have an excellent story now. Keep writing it, I'll be reading. :)

[Stars and Whales]

Appreciate it, Max. I'll keep writing :)

[Max]

Sure, no problem. :)

[Freedomwriter97]

I really enjoyed this piece it is very detail and it paints a vivid image in my mind. How long have you been writing?

[Stars and Whales]

7 years! I'm 14, wrote a short book when I was 7! How about you?

[Freedomwriter97]

Cool, I started writing when I was 8 years old and was first published at 11 years old. I encourage you to keep on writing and don't let anyone tell you that you can't do something because you are to young. Keep up the great work kid.

[Stars and Whales]

How old are you now? What?

[Stars and Whales]

Can I read what you published at 11?

[Freedomwriter97]

I'm 18 and I had my writings published in books for school contest. So,they're pretty hard to find. I advice you to ask your Art teacher if they have art contest available in high/middle school sometimes where you have a chance to be published in magazines.

[Stars and Whales]

Well in that case I've been published as well, lol. I thought you meant real, novel publishing. I won an "Art Tales" contest

[Freedomwriter97]

Cool, dude. remember don't give up and keep posting.

[MissEponine16]

Posotives first- Your paragraphs are a nice length and you us a decent amount of detail. Your idea is seemingly unique, which is always good.You write well, and I could see this being something on a book shelve some day.

Negatives: Brent is hard for me to be attached to, so far. I'm just not getting much feeling from him. Also this other world feels so much like earth I picture it as earth.

Over all awesome job

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks for the advice!

[SR Urie]

Hi "Zane",
Thanks for the compliment. First of all, writing is tedious work, like building a house or painting a large picture. You have to build the house from the ground up with a foundation - describe the setting, the environment, the composition of the picture. Second you have to establish credibility by arousing interest in what story you're going to tell - if you're in a strange land or in a spooky house or on a raging sea, it's important to describe as many details as you can to give what events happen credibility; a stage with which has props and a background to perform on so to speak. And third, you need to have the end of the story in mind as you tell the first part of your introduction to characters and circumstance, adding to the credibility of your tale - draw up a rough draft, on paper or in your mind, of what happens first, how this or that makes the plot interesting to me - the reader - and then how your story will climax with events and people and dialogue, and then the de-climax, the slope that leads down to the end of your tale. And fourth and formost; details, details, details!! Don't repeat yourself but describe absolutely as much as you can and then you go back after it's written and cut out superfluous bullshit; then your write it again as a proper extension of yourself. As I said, writing is tedious work. I suggest you read as much as you can established successful stories to get an idea of building your foundation and establishing the plot and setting from other writers. You have to walk before you can run, kid; and you gotta' crawl before you can walk.

Good luck, and 'never do anything halfass' (Greg Almond).
Take care,
S

[Stars and Whales]

Plot and character development has always been my big issue. Any advice as to how to go about it with my particular characters?

[C.A. Richards]

Its an amazing start and so creative! My only real critique so far is the prologue. I feel like it could use just a pinch more detail. Its great at grabbing attention and I really enjoy the mystery of it all. I am so curious to see how it turns out! I would also like a bit of a closer connection to the characters. In my personal opinion I feel like that is what will help pull readers along. As if they themselves are transported there with the characters! It's a really amazing piece so far!! Keep going!!

[Stars and Whales]

That has always been my problem. Character development. Any advice as to how to go about it?

[C.A. Richards]

I know that how you see your characters and who they are to you will shine through your writing. So my best advice is centered around how you envision your characters. When I am writing I see the people in my head and know every little detail about them. They become friends and I have these moments when I know exactly what they would say to a joke or to a funny moment in a movie. Just like you know your best friend. I actually started by basing some characters from a few short stories about friends and family and it helped with my character development a lot! I hope this will help you a bit!

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks! I appreciate it!

[A writer]

Well... This is a little too much for my stomache. The first time I read it... Well, I was not really taken to the other planet... I couldn't really connect with the main character. Some of the words in sentences were a failed attempt to give them impact. And with that, I've ended up re-reading it, and with some effort I could go along with it. All together, it is a nice story so far, needs a lot of work... But to be honest, I'm not really into aliens and stuff like that, so it's probably just me. Oh, and I'm not sure if I'll be reading it any further, because it simply does not interest me that much. Anyway, your work deserves the best possible rating, 100 points.

[far_ah]

nice work , i really start to love it ... it's the way the events were describe slowly ... keep going