A long time ago, on the Planet Earth, there lived a man. Now, of course the question you are wondering is, “What exactly is a man?” Well, technically, a “man” is an alien of sorts, but these creatures can also be referred to as many things: a sinner, a deceiver, a careless oaf...yes, the race of man could easily be described for many hours. This man was no different, and his name was Owen I. Hurst.
Owen, a brown haired miscreant, began the origin of his relation to the Proth people one late, summer night when he was scuba diving far down on the ocean floor.
He was down very deep when he saw it.
Glowing in the void of darkness was a spherical object about the size of a baseball (a sport widely known on Planet Earth). Owen swam down towards the object to get a closer look. He went right up to it, curious. He peered down deep into it, transfixed by its crystal haze. He picked it up, mesmerized by its beauty. But something happened down there when Owen picked up that crystal ball...something that really never should have happened. For this was no ordinary crystal ball in the deepest part of the ocean on the Planet Earth. No, not at all.
Hi Zane! I caught a few grammatical/spelling errors. I believe "brown haired" is "brown-haired"; "towards" should be "toward"; and I think "the" before "Planet Earth" feels bulky.
The second paragraph could be expanded. Is Owen scuba diving for his job, relaxation, etc?
Overall, it is mysterious and engaging. Looking forward to more!
I have posted Chapter 1, actually, if you would like to take a look! Thanks a lot!
9 Years Ago
i liked it keep up the good work! Sincerely, Arrow&Heartland
9 Years Ago
You have your audience captivated. The writing style reminds me of Douglas Adams but less silly. An.. read moreYou have your audience captivated. The writing style reminds me of Douglas Adams but less silly. And there is nothing wrong with that. Interesting read.
I rather like your writing style, and your grammar and punctuation is excellent which is refreshing. My only recommendation, and this is just my opinion, for this piece is perhaps to avoid starting with 'A long time ago...' as it sounds a little cliched to me i.e. ...in a galaxy far away. I like the scope of the story and it does leave me curious as to what is happening next, and leaves the readers with questions like why is Planet Proth so small? I also like that word miscreant! Overall very good and it does leave me wanting to read more of your work.
Writers have thier own unique way of writing. I can write some good stuff, but nothing like that! You used a lot of
Interesting vocabulary, like a chef uses seasoning to spice his dish up! Honestly, I can't wait to read this! Do me a favor and don't quit on writing it. I have started to read some good stories/books but then the author always deletes it or stops writing (for example, a book called Spin the Bottle). Good job! I can't find any flaws to this artwork except for maybe the use of "he" a lot, like the other guy said. 😉
Posted 9 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
9 Years Ago
I noticed that too when reading it. I'm trying to find a way to fix it without changing what I'm try.. read moreI noticed that too when reading it. I'm trying to find a way to fix it without changing what I'm trying to say.
Nice start. It definitely seems to lead into a great story. Suggestions:
"...when he was scuba diving far down on the ocean floor.
He was down very deep when he saw it. ". A bit redundant. Tighten up or combine.
"Owen swam down towards the object to get a closer look. He went right up to it, curious. He peered down deep into it, transfixed by its crystal haze. He picked it up, mesmerized by its beauty."
Also a bit redundant. Chop out some of it so it tightens up. You could turn all of that into one sentence.
These are just suggestions, take them as you like.
This could be very interesting. Personally I would like to see this go down the path of Owen finding himself being a father to this planet (Almost in a Monsters Inc kind of way) or he feels like he is responsible in some way for this small planet. However if this planet had like radioactive properties and it became something that had to be destroyed, that could also be quite compelling. I think something along the lines of him becoming a protector of this planet would be quite emotionally involving and also a compelling story.
Posted 9 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
9 Years Ago
You mean like Dr. Suess' "Horton Heard a Who,"...? Lol could be interesting but seem less original.... read moreYou mean like Dr. Suess' "Horton Heard a Who,"...? Lol could be interesting but seem less original...don't you think?
9 Years Ago
I wasn't thinking of 'Horton hears a who' but perhaps a more adult and sophisticated version could w.. read moreI wasn't thinking of 'Horton hears a who' but perhaps a more adult and sophisticated version could work if done well?
9 Years Ago
I see what you mean. I wasn't trying to demean your idea in any way...sorry if it felt that way. The.. read moreI see what you mean. I wasn't trying to demean your idea in any way...sorry if it felt that way. The concept just reminded me of "Horton Hears a Who," which is by the way I widely popular story. I like the idea of it...I'll look into it. Thanks a lot!
9 Years Ago
It didn't come across as demeaning but I'm not a big Dr. Suess fan
Well thank you! Do you want me to read anything of yours in particular?
9 Years Ago
I have a novel idea called 'Four Dragons' which I would like some feedback on. It's only a brief ove.. read moreI have a novel idea called 'Four Dragons' which I would like some feedback on. It's only a brief overview at the moment but if you could tell me what you think I would really appreciate it
Something I noticed was that you used "he" to start like 3 sentences in a row. Change it up a bit, maybe even just rearrange words. "curious, he went right up to it."
"peering down, deep into it, he was transfixed by its crystal haze."
Etc.
Keep running with it; it seems interesting. Add some depth and detail, some description for sure. Describe the surroundings, perhaps the orb had crystalized the plants around it, or maybe it's amidst rubble... Where is he scuba diving? Perhaps somewhere ambiguous in the Bermuda triangle... Only making suggestions to recommend more to the scenario.
Science fiction...or fantasy? or both. Not really my thing, but this seems interesting. :) keep going, i'm lookin forward to readin the chapters. 100 rating.
"Even Darkness Must Pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer." -Samwise Gamgee
I love to write, and I hope to become a published writer some day. I ho.. more..