10 Holes

“Once in a tiny village not far from here, there was a problem. Animals had started dying off, one by one. In the morning their owners would see them lying outside with 10 holes in their chest. The people thought it was the work of their neighboring town, Byrotton.

Then, one night a man by the name of Harold was closing his store for the night. It was very late, and he was anxious to get home to his family. He shut off all the lights, then closed the door with a satisfying click. As he turned around to go to his car he saw a dark shape in the distance. He stood still trying to make out what it was. As it got closer, Harold turned to go. It was the last move he ever made. The next day they found him with 10 holes in his chest.

This made the town quite worried. They were scared of more people getting killed. So, one night two brave brothers, John and Jacob went out to get rid of the problem. They each took knives, and walkie talkies. They said goodbye to their father, and kissed their grandmother on the way out.

The two boys decided to split up. One would go by the site of the murder, and the other would wander the streets. If one was attacked they could use their walkie talkie to contact the other. So they set off, keeping a close eye on the shadows. Nothing seemed to be happening. It was a calm night, and it seemed like they would get home safely. But then suddenly John heard a crackling in the bushes behind him. He tried to call his brother, but it was too late. The figure leaped out of the bushes and tackled him, gouging his chest with its nails. Luckily Jacob heard the commotion, and rushed to help him. He leaped through the air and cut off the creatures right hand. The creature screamed and ran.

Jacob took John to the hospital, and they bandaged him up. The doctors called them heroes, and finally they got home at 6 that morning. Only their grandmother was up, so they said good morning, then went back to bed. Neither of them noticed she was missing her hand.”

Flynn Bardell gave a satisfied grin as he finished telling the story, accompanied by the shivers and chilled looks on the faces of his friends, Nick Britton and Matthew Cowley. Darkness surrounded the three of them, nothing but a crackling fire and an undersized tent accompanying them in the middle of the woods.

“I figured it’d creep you guys out.” Flynn said with a snort.

Nick piped in. “Hey, man, we’re in the middle of nowhere, I can’t see a thing, and you know...that noise we keep hearing…,” Nick paused. “Well, nothing could possibly creep us out right now, right.” He gave a sarcastic grin.

Flynn raised his eyebrows. “Exactly what noise is it that we keep hearing, Nick?”

“There’s that recurring noise...sounds like a dang gunshot or something...how could you not hear it? Hey Matt, you heard it right?”

Matt was a shy, short redhead who sort of drowned out the tall, muscular black haired appearances of his friends. “No…,” he began, diverting his eyes to the dirt. “I haven’t heard anything.”

Suddenly the wind picked up around them, the trees beginning to sway madly. A huge bang could be heard, not quite that of a gunshot or an explosion, but more like a loud crunch.

“See...see! There it is again, guys!” Nick shouted.

Flynn rolled his eyes. “Get your mind straight, Nick, I heard no such noise. I suggest you put it aside before Matt and I leave you out here alone with your fantasies.” He shook his head hysterically.

“Noo! How could you not here that you idiot! Are you deaf!” Nick’s face turned bright red with rage.

Then the wind picked up yet again, just the same as it had before. CRACK! The same noise echoed inside Nick’s brain. “Did you HEAR THAT crap, moron!”

Flynn stood and pointed an angry finger at Nick. “Go HOME! I don’t want to hear any more of your hysteria!”

Nick’s brain bubbled with anger and he leapt over the fire and grabbed Flynn by the neck. “I’ll KILL you!!! Tell me you heard it!! TELL ME!”

Matt, who had been sadly watching the angered debate, stood, completely frightened, his mind spinning.

Nick’s fingers clenched and dug into Flynn’s bloody neck. “This is over, Bardell! You’re done!”

Reviews

[The Archangel Gabriel]

I liked it, and you seem to be a very good but new writer. You might try putting a blank line before each new paragraph so it can be more easily read. And, it is very difficult to write a short story like this. I liked it, but sometimes, you could use a little more detail. You seem to jump around a lot and give us the bare minimum. Maybe an occasional, "But, here I took some additional time as a storyteller..." That could do. I look forwards to reading more of your work as I can. Some of my work was rough as well. Time... Time... Time...

[Richa]

I like the story idea. But, if you are to edit this story, I recommend to describe the setting and mood by writing down about the five senses. As in, describing the setting by writing what you can see, smell, hear, feel and in some cases taste.

The ending seemed a little rushed and a few paragraphs could be used to introduce the main characters.

Hope this review helped. Good luck with your future stories.

[grayscale heart]

Love the twistedness--is it finished? Seems a bit unfinished and sometimes there are punctuation (exclamation points where question marks should be, etc.) but overall, great. I ADORE the first line of the story. Mysterious hook.

[Sima Rose]

Overall, it was a pretty good story. It seemed a bit clique but it´s a great concept.

Check your punctuations. You misuse commas and exclamation points and question marks.
I would add a bit more detail to As it got closer, Harold turned to go.¨¨
If one was attacked they could use their walkie talkie to contact the other- can be deleted because it´s implied that´s what they are for.

Darkness surrounded the three of them, nothing but a crackling fire and an undersized tent accompanying them in the middle of the woods. - I love these details.

[Bluefire]

Whoa, twisted. I like it.
“Noo! How could you not here that you idiot! Are you deaf!”
Suggestion-> “Noo! How could you not hear that you idiot! Are you deaf!”
Well played!

[AshGrey]

Wow. The grandmother's story is creepy. The rest of the story felt a bit rushed. Otherwise, good one.

[Stars and Whales]

Ok thanks.

[TheLoversCheat]

What didn't made sense was when you switched from Harold to Fred in the beginning, when was Fred introduced?
The ending seemed a bit rushed but over all the story was nice :D

[Abby L.]

This is dark and scary, honestly I don't enjoy reading the scary-serious-suspense stuff, but on a writer's perspective I think it was well constructed. It was clever to begin with the story, build suspense, drop it, only to continue building it up more. I liked it, good job! :)

[Cody]

This really put me on the uncomfortable cloud in a really good way.
Great job

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks bro

[PaperBouquet]

I love the way you carefully craft suspense. Your choice of words creates tension: "Nick's brain bubbled with anger" was one of my favorite descriptions.

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks! If you would be willing, the piece of writing I really want reviewed is my novel, "Through Voids of Darkness." I would appreciate a review on that! If you need anything reviewed by me, or if you need anything at all, let me know! Thanks!