Regression

Is it wrong that I still like to test the waters?

I want to see that I still have control

Over my life.

I act out in obsessions and compulsions.

I sabotage myself

Just to see if I can survive the intervention.

Is wrong that I live in a fantasy?

That some day everything will be the way I believe it should be,

My thoughts and my actions will be in sync.

I ignore the obligation to take care of myself.

I delude myself

Just to see if I can survive reality.

Is it wrong that sometimes I analyze my life for hours?

Until my mind goes numb

And I can't remember what started the criticism.

I think and I write.

I live for the self-degradation

Just to see if I remember why living matters.

Is it wrong that I break my own rules every once in a while?

I pay the price for irrationality

Until I start to love the chaos.

I painstakingly choose the path that avoids all fear.

I thrive in running from pain

Just to see if I can survive the regression.

Author's Note

the grammar could be better. I wish I cared enough to fix it:)

Reviews

[christopher fox]

Honest piece. I also enjoy the structure with asking the questions and then making the real statements. To me it seems like the process of analyzing, that you ask the question to yourself and then follow through with a statement to continue the analysis. Very nice.

[samanthaashley_]

definitely what I was going for! thanks for reading!

[KaoticOrder]

Really powerful and honest. You really can feel your words, and the emotions behind them. Great job!

[samanthaashley_]

thanks girl! I appreciate you reading :)

[alf]

Hi samanthaashley. How can questioning the veracity of one's situation ever be wrong?? The thought process is strange and full of complexities. You question yourself and attempt to find answers, fully aware of why your actions are what they are, and defying another truth to emerge. This is a poem filled with deep introspection, passionate, and yet still defiant, and for me, yes! I think you can changes your situation . . . given time and resources to do so. I hear in your words what you are seeking and I believe it is there for you to discover, alf

[samanthaashley_]

I appreciate the insight! on most days I definitely try the best I can to do the right thing. lately, I have been caring a little less than I should.. but I'm not doing anything crazy, so I know that things will only get better from here :)

[alf]

Show me a person who claims not to have had rough patches in their life and I will point at the person who is sadly out of touch with reality (lol), alf . . . . PS . . . keep on with the writing, it helps clarify the mind better than any other form of therapy!!!

[samanthaashley_]

exactly. and thank you! I just recently started getting back into writing, but I plan on sticking with it!

[alf]

For that I am extremely grateful. You have a beautiful voice and it needs to he heard!!!

[samanthaashley_]

aw, thank you so much

[Misery]

Honesty unadorned. No roses red or violets blue here, just the truth of the existence you have been handed.
Keep sharing your facets of life, dear Samantha, they are worth the time and worth the wait.

[samanthaashley_]

thanks for reading and commenting! I always strive to write as honestly as possible

[Richard]

this is very human it's very good :)

[samanthaashley_]

thanks, Richard!

[JustAPoet]

I can definitely relate to this,and I think you did a wonderful job. Keep up the good work :)

[samanthaashley_]

thank you!