Regression

Is it wrong that I still like to test the waters?

I want to see that I still have control

Over my life.

I act out in obsessions and compulsions.

I sabotage myself

Just to see if I can survive the intervention.

Is wrong that I live in a fantasy?

That some day everything will be the way I believe it should be,

My thoughts and my actions will be in sync.

I ignore the obligation to take care of myself.

I delude myself

Just to see if I can survive reality.

Is it wrong that sometimes I analyze my life for hours?

Until my mind goes numb

And I can't remember what started the criticism.

I think and I write.

I live for the self-degradation

Just to see if I remember why living matters.

Is it wrong that I break my own rules every once in a while?

I pay the price for irrationality

Until I start to love the chaos.

I painstakingly choose the path that avoids all fear.

I thrive in running from pain

Just to see if I can survive the regression.

Author's Note

the grammar could be better. I wish I cared enough to fix it:)

Reviews

[christopher fox]

Honest piece. I also enjoy the structure with asking the questions and then making the real statements. To me it seems like the process of analyzing, that you ask the question to yourself and then follow through with a statement to continue the analysis. Very nice.

[samanthaashley_]

definitely what I was going for! thanks for reading!

[Zac]

This poem has a lot of truth to it.
Hope to read more

[Riley Justine]

I like the format of the poem. It's really honest and you portray your feelings really well.

[fattycbreezy52]

Marry me?You seem so alike in thoughts.I love to read you and the inner workings of your twisted mind:)

[samanthaashley_]

of course! this is the greatest day of my life!! :)

[Pushkar Prabhat]

congrats and good luck you two.........!!! :D :D

[samanthaashley_]

haha thank you!

[Pushkar Prabhat]

yup....welcome!! :) :)

[fattycbreezy52]

Eeee...that doesn't make us homosexual.:D
it's just that I love reading her.plus she is too cute:):*

[SleeplessVolcano]

We stop living when we do not test the waters......we need to order differently on the menu life gives us......how else will we know if a different hand is possible? You describe beautifully the tension between our intentions and our actions......the under-current between our hearts and minds.....the love-hate relationship between our dreams and reality. Inspirational! :)

[Jeyanthi]

I can see myself in your words! Very intense, not lending yourself to fully surrender.
Keep asking questions, it may strengthen you one way or other. :D

[andrew mitchell]

I really like your emotions and honesty coming through your writes. really good SA. Nice as!

[sinNsincerity]

Great self expression and I love how you test yourself in the was you do because I find myself doing the same at times.

[samanthaashley_]

glad you could relate!

[dan]

Sam, You ask, "Is it wrong..." then pose a rhetorical question that no one can answer but you. And I'm saying that is a GOOD thing, very inventive and original. Some people's minds work so hard you can hear the gears grinding, pumping hot...your mind works so well, so efficiently that all that is heard is a soft hum. I could easily go through every stanza of this gem and enumerate the ways that is SO good, SO profound, but I'll just quote two lines that really bowled me over. "I sabotage myself just to see if I can survive the intervention." Did you ever hear a line in a song, or read a line/stanza in a poem and say, "Boy, I wish I had written that?" You really got me with that one. This goes straight into my library favorites, and even I have no idea what these "Rating" scores mean, I'm marking 100. This is incredible writing, Sam. I'm glad we became friends, I look forward to many such delights in the future. Well done! take care...dan

[samanthaashley_]

wow!! that is the best comment I have ever received on anything I have written. I really appreciate it. the funny thing is that I barely even thought about what I was writing, I just tried to keep the structure going. I already notice so many things that I want to fix, but I am trying to just let the thoughts go without changing anything.