Chapter 2

Every one meets and drama has already started!

The night before everyone was supposed to meet was a sleepless night. The secret Bulwark’s had no idea what Spirit looked like because she had come just that day, the girls knew though and they were surprised with her small height, unusual eyes, and her incredibly long hair.

Spirit was so friendly and laughed at everything, it irritated Air so much especially when she got her own room. The Master had proclaimed through the generations Air and Fire shared a room, Shevia and Water shared a room and Spirit got her own room. During the day for the girls was boring, all they did was read, talk, go outside, write, and do whatever could occupy them in till Spirit had been found.

A servant would come and visit every couple hours and The Master and Leader only a couple times. When Spirit had been found and brought to the log home mansion they were told the next morning they would meet everyone else and get a tour around the place. So mean while Spirit would sit there and try to get to know everyone but had trouble with Air because of her persistent attitude, after dinner had been delivered they all went to bed.


The next morning the servant had awaken everyone to report to the dining room. Spirit had put on a white no shoulder shirt with a small brown waist under bust corset and a long white skirt. She skipped all the way smiling and arriving… Late. When she walked in everyone was staring at her in a awkward silence, so she beamed a smile
“Good morning! Excuse my late arrival!” She giggled as she looked around Air was glaring at her so she beamed an even bigger smile just to show that it didn’t bother her.

Air was wearing a pink low v neck crop top and a mini blue skirt with high strappy brown wedges. She had long black hair, brown eyes and a tall skinny body. Spirit looked at Fire who had dark red medium height hair, amber eyes and freckles. She wore a black crop top with no back, black shorts with black high heels.

Then she looked a at Shevia who wore a faded green t-shirt and sweat pants with sneakers. Finally at Water who stood nearest to her, an asian girl, she wore a light blue flowy dress and sandals. Spirit walked next to Water and stood there with her facing the five men who stood in a row. They all were clad in a similar uniform of tall boots, pants, and a crew neck sleeveless shirt.

Except the man who stood first in the row like her wore a big one standing hood that covered his eyes and bandanna that covered the rest of his face. He dressed very dark and she realized he was the man that was covered in weapons at her home. She tensed up real fast and her smile dropped.

The Master cleared his throat and walked down the two rows that were formed. He started announcing “Today everyone will greet one another, eat breakfast, and the men will show the ladies around the home. Then tomorrow we will start training,”

He walked up to Aric with a hand pointing to him “This is the Leader, Aric Gearin. ‘the Master gives a chuckle’ Try not to bother him he’s not a happy camper.”
He points to Spirit who starts beaming a smile “This is Spirit, please state your name.” she responded “My name is Lorelei Akara.” Everyone turned to stare at her, especially Aric…

The Master nodded his head, then went to a man with dirty blonde hair, average height and brown eyes. “This is Gill Casas”, he walked to water “This is water, your name?” she quietly said “Mizuko Tsukiko.”.

The Master nodded a smile then walked to a man with brown hair and blue eyes. “This is Blaine Abett.”. Blaine gave a smile then the Master walked towards Shevia announced what element she was then stated in a country voice “The name’s Admina Bolton.”

The Master walks towards a man with brown hair and blue eyes “This is Fire” “My name is Edana Blasdel” She has an angry look on her face, the Master walks over to the last man, an asian man. “This is Susuke Nashimoto. Finally he walked to Air who was giving a slight mischievous smile.

“This is Air.” “My name is… Moria Monari…” She said giving an even bigger mischievous and putting her tongue under her teeth. Aric rolled her eyes thinking

Good God, and I have to live with her…

The Master stood at the end of the two rows and shouted “Let’s eat! He clapped his hands and two servants came out with carts of food. One of the servants was the same one that helped the girls.

Once everyone got seated and started to eat Moria spoke up “Tell me Lorelei, are you wearing… Contacts?” She glanced at Edana giving each other an impish smile.

After Lorelei gulped down her food she spoke in her low whisper voice
“Hm? Nope, there my real eyes why do you ask?” Moria gave a bit of a glare to her because she wasn’t noticing the game that was being played but she continued.

“Oh? Its just I’ve never seen a pair of eyes like yours. Especially the way you dress…” Moria and Edana were both snickering.

Lorelei had a confused look on her face, but the boys understood what was going on but they dared not to say anything. Except Aric was scowling at the immature picking Moria was doing. He looked at Lorelei who was still thinking and confused. He started thinking...
Poor girl, she has no idea what’s going on. If this game continues I know the Master will want me to say something for he is already looking at me to do something…

Lorelei finally spoke “Yes my eyes are unusual and the way I dress is unusual as well but it confuses me that a girl who is facing a life or death mission could use such an immature joke on a team member. It’s quite a bad first impression to make in front of all the men you have been gossiping about.”

Lorelei thought to her self... Maybe I went to far but I hope she takes note that I highly dislike people who gossip about one another...
Every one turned to face her eyes wide thinking... I thought she had no idea what Moria was doing and the fact that she didn’t even get offended but merely confused???...

Aric had the feeling he was beginning to like her because of the way she handles situations. Moria looked around then argued “I was only pointing out that you look like a peasant and you don’t even look warrior like and you expect to save a whole planet?”

The Master nudged Aric to stop the argument. “That’s enough. You have no room to talk, at least Lorelei covers most of her body instead of dressing like a tramp. Excuse me for saying that but it is the truth. Now be quiet or I’ll make you.” He had started to raise his voice which was scaring every one.

Blaine had spoke up in his sort of irish tone “You might want to watch out missie, Mr. Angry over there can easily become Mr. I’ll tear you up in till you shut up.” He looked at Moria whose eyes were wide and blushing, she gulped real hard the looked down and slowly continued eating.

Every one ate in silence

Author's Note

excuse my bad editing skills but tell me what you think! Thanks and sorry for the delay!

Reviews

[S. von Glaubitz]

Here’s where we meet the whole cast for the first time! Fun!

The other four women and all five of the Bulwarks have been staying at the house already, correct? In that case, why haven’t the other four girls already met the Bulwarks? Should the purpose of this meeting instead be to have everyone in the same room for the first time? Or to introduce Spirit to everyone? I think there does need to be some other purpose regardless. The women don’t need to be shown the home if they’ve been spending time there already. Also, for the sake of story, there needs to be some urgency. Perhaps the Master wants to review the problem at hand with everyone? The tension between Air and Spirit is good, because stories needs tension, but there needs to be something else accomplished in this chapter that makes the reader want to turn the page. This should have something to do with the overarching problem.

Again, I would cut the first three paragraphs and start the chapter with the meeting. All the information you cover in those paragraphs can be woven into the following scene. Spirit reflects that she didn’t sleep the night before. Air mutters something about Spirit getting her own room. Things like that.

Describe the mansion more. Where is it located? How big is it? Etc. But don’t describe it all at once. To practice showing, not telling, try to add details about it throughout, while one of the characters who hasn’t seen it yet is seeing it for the first time, like Lorelei. Describe it from her point of view. Start by describing the room they’re in.

How old is Lorelei supposed to be? Because of her size and demeanor, she comes off very child-like, which makes Aric’s attraction to her a little weird…

Unfortunately, if you need everyone in the room at once (eleven characters!) it becomes a problem for writing. Not only is it overwhelming for the reader, especially at the beginning of a story, but it’s hard to write. You have to keep track of what everyone is doing. You’re likely to fall into traps like making the group act as one unit: everyone has the same thought when Lorelei stands up for herself! That’s a definite problem you want to avoid.

You have great characters here, especially amongst the women. The men fall into the background a little more, which actually might be a good thing, and help with the large group problem. Keep it up with the good work on characters! Maybe just think about the chapter a little more as a whole, and keep practicing showing and not telling. I think you’re going to improve with every new chapter!

[Samantha Anabella]

Thanks so much for the review! The men are purposely falling in to the back ground and Lorelei and the other girls are supposed to be 19-21. Aric and the men are immortal and look as if they are 21-24 . Have a great day!

[barleygirl]

Your writing & storytelling are pretty strong, all in all . . . your story is interesting, but I get lost once in awhile. When you refer to multiple people in the same sentence using pronouns (he & she), I'm not clear which person the pronoun refers to, sometimes. I like that your dialogue is done in shorter segments, like real back-and-forth conversation, instead of the longer expository dialogue in the previous chapter. I find that you use many long run-on sentences that would be better if broken into shorter sentences.

When you describe what each lady is wearing, I found that to be forgettable. We have not gotten to know these characters yet. I can't remember details of what they're wearing. I'd rather know more about them as people. Plus, there's the added confusion that Air, Water, Spirit & so on . . . these ladies are being given new names to keep straight, so there are many details to remember about many characters, all at once. It might be more cohesive to describe what they're wearing at the same time we are introduced to them with their new names . . . this might be helpful to keep everyone straight.

All in all, I get the idea that there are animosities between some of the ladies, so this adds depth to your character building. This adds nice tension to the story, making the reader want to read on . . .

[Samantha Anabella]

Thanks for the review and I will be working on run on sentences later on and understand about the characters! Have a great day!

[Daniel-Andre]

All right, it`s me again. To be honest, I do like it, but I thought the first chapter was much better. Because right here in this second chapter, there`s a lot of "telling" going on instead of "showing".

To mention one, at the end where the Master raises his voice. You say they`re "scared" because he did just that. That right there is a grand example of telling. Show the emotion instead, by delivering the characters` moves and facial expressions. "Show" the readers they`re scared of him, don`t simply tell us they`re scared.

In addition, you had several grammar mistakes. Which I`m sure you`ll find and fix by doing a simple re-read. Samantha Anabella, I take it English`s not even your mother tongue? Just like me. Not that it`s any of my business, but Anabella... my best guess is you`re latina, so Mexico? Spain? Just curious. I`m Norwegian myself.

Finally, in the future. Try to avoid placing so many characters in the same scene. Makes it a little difficult for readers (at least me) to have an overview over everyone and the stuff that`s going on between the different characters.

Now I`m done roasting you, time to mention the things I did like. What I liked was the description of the characters introduced in this chapter. Made them stand out from one another, which is important, obviously. I think you nailed the dialogue here as well and once again: likeable characters. Having that girl teasing the other was a fine addition as well. Because writing characters that are perfect is a death sentence. It made me thinking, is she commenting the way she looks because in reality, she`s insecure about herself and her looks? Really nice.

Yup, I think this was a decent read. But chapter 1 is superior in comparison. But don`t let me drag you down, just keep writing my lady! Oh and forgot, I find the plot interesting too!

[Samantha Anabella]

Thanks for the review, I have to admit I rushed threw this chapter. Ha. Have a great day!

[Daniel-Andre]

Yeah, I was about to ask if that was the case. I take it the first chapter have already received some rewrites and polishing while this one haven`t, right?

[Samantha Anabella]

Ha ha, yes the first chapter has about 3-4 rewrites! I haven't polished this one up yet, have a great day!

[Daniel-Andre]

Looking forward to having a sit-down with it once you`ve worked your magic, lass :) Indeed, have a great day!