Chapter 1: Locating the Elements

The 5 elements meet the secret Bulwark's

     

       The Master and the leader of the Secret Bulwark's had just arrived at Admina's house. The leader's name was Aric Gearin and he is the strongest of the Bulwark's, he's clad in a black t-shirt and black cargo pants. He wears a one standing hood that overlapped half his face and an bandanna that covered his mouth and nose for identity protection, an arm band on each arm filled with mini blade discs and smoke bombs, a belt holster for his small shotgun and taser, a bowie knife on his thigh and a boot knife. He is not fully dressed  because the Master ordered him to dress less for the girls. The Master is a very old short man who wears a white long robe. 

    As they walked up Admina's (The 4th element) front pathway to the house on her farm planning on convincing her to help with their mission, the Master asked why Aric did not stay with the other 3 ladies in the log home mansion. The Master notices him stiffen into anger as he responds with his deep rugged voice 

    "I refuse to stay with women who plan on distracting me, I have a duty to stick with and I will not withstand that one woman, Air. All she can see in this vital mission is an opportunity to strut her 'stuff' for the other men and watch them fall for her. All she wants to talk about is herself and how other men can't resist her." 

    He looks at the Master who stopped walking and had a shocked look on his face, for Aric never speaks so frankly. So Aric cleared his throat

 "Excuse my arrogance, sir. I mustn't be so disrespectful to the lady or speak ill behind her back."

The Master looked down at the ground saying

    "My dear boy, I believe eventually you will grow fond of the ladies, or a lady, but you should be respectful. After all, they have just moved in and we still need to gather Shivia and Spirit. The ladies won't meet the men in till everyone is gathered, so in the matter we shall not judge them so freely." 

    "Hey! What are ya'll doin on my property!" They heard a woman yell. The Master looked up fast and realized it was the 4th element and she did not look too happy. She had brown medium length hair in a pony tail and clad in a baggy green t-shirt and dirty overalls with muddy boots. She was coming up on the side of the cottage home, but stopped when she got a closer look at Aric. A big, muscular man covered in weapons and dressed very dark would scare off practically any one. She took a step back.

    The Master took a step closer but she yelled again. "You better watch where your steppin. Now, why don't ya'll mozy along and forget you ever got here." Aric started glaring at her idiotic moves, it was obvious she was trembling in fear. How stubborn. The Master looked down at the ground then up again and decided to say

    "My dear girl, there is something very important we must talk about and it may answer some questions you have, so please-" He was interrupted by her yelling.

    "What did I say?!? Don't tell me your that deaf! I said be gone, I don't want any of your troubles!" 

    "Please, Miss. Bolton, we must talk-" Once again her persistence continued and she interrupted again.

    "Enough! this is the last warnin! Im gona go get my rifle and my Papa if you don't be gone!" She couldn't stop yelling and she wouldn't even budge on listening, now the Master will have to let her know what he knows no matter what. Just to be safe he took a step back and tried again.

    "Have you ever felt connected to Shevia? Did you ever feel like you could communicate with the soil, understand its needs, control rocks or Shevia's substances?" He looked straight in her eyes and could see surprise and realization. She was stunned on what they knew, but since she's stubborn she persisted that they knew nothing. "I don't know what your talkin 'bout." She crossed her arms and looked at the ground on her side, how stubborn can she get?!? Aric's lip got tighter from aggravation, he just wanted to throw a rock at her face and yell how oblivious and stubborn she was! The Master continued

    "You rather live all by yourself surrounded by nature. You hate people, you hate girls and there petty girly ways. You love running around in the woods and climbing trees, you take care of the trees and plants, you take your fathers clothing, your father is an alcoholic, you hate people who claim there better than you, you eat with your mouth open and you roll your eyes a lot. Believe me my dear girl I know a lot about you."  She slowly turned around and looked in his eyes and asked "Why are ya'll here?" Now she was slowly giving in.

    "We should talk somewhere private" The Master gave a slight smile, but she gave him a cold stare back, then nodded her head and gestured him to come inside the house. When they came inside it was cool and stuffy. They headed into the living room where two two person sofa's each sat on the left of the fireplace in the middle of the wall and the other on the right and a rocking chair in the middle, she gestured them to sit on the sofa. Aric decided to go and look out the window, once she and the master sat down the master continued.

    "You are part of a secret extraordinary team to protect planet Shevia, the team is called The 5 Elements. Each element is a woman who possesses a power designed around their personality, you start growing the power around the age of twelve and don't actually have the ability to use it in till you have found and accepted your self. Shevia has designed you for many generations, so its a big honor for her to choose you. The main role in your job is protecting Shevia's core, it is a magical substance capable of anything and there are many people who try to steal it and already have great power. There are other things that hold the planets sacred magic but that is where The Secret Bulwark's come in, they are five men who do not have magical abilities but phenomenal fighting skills that are like magic. People who are aware of where Shevia's sacred magic are able to steal the magic, but if they steal her magic she will begin to die and have no life source. That is why we must protect her sacred magic and try to cover up her secrets from others. That is also why we need you, Shevia tells me that there is someone in magnificent power collecting all her magic and planning to steal her core. The secret bulwark's are not able to defeat him alone and Shevia and everyone here are in great danger. We need your help." 

    Aric always likes looking at the girls faces when they hear everything for the first time, they just look so pathetic. She had they same look as everyone else, the look of 'How the heck do you expect ME of all people to save a freaking planet?!?' After a long silence she finally spoke.

    "What?!? Do you even know how crazy that sounds to me? Oh, so apparently I have magic powers let me just go stop a man who could probably kill me in a blink of an eye! I may be different from everyone else but that doesn't mean I have the ability to save everyone and the whole planet." She was breathing fast and crossed her arms and looked at the sofa on her side. The Master took a slow breathe in and out then tried informing her again 

   "Miss. Bolton, you will be joined by 4 other girls who have no experience as well, you will have training, you will be taken care of and most of all I think you'll like where we are at. You will be surrounded by thick woods on a mountain where you can escape any day or time you want. You be able to learn more about your self and gain more experience. Please put this into consideration." The master began to stand up. Then he looked at her and she looked at him in the eye and nodded her head. He smiled and informed her "Pack up your bags we'll be waiting in the car." And he and Aric walked out. 

    When they got in to the car the Master let out a big breathe and Aric just looked out the window. The Master looked at him then to the ground and said

    "Now we must find spirit." Aric looked at him in confusion and said "You had said that you already knew where she was, sir." The Master looked at him then the ground again

    "Yes, but she is very much different from the other girls. You see, spirit is every where and connected to everything. Just because I communicate with planet Shevia doesn't mean I know everything. I know this sounds off topic but I also want you to be aware that she is a rare beauty, she glows every where she goes but she is full of happiness. She laughs, smiles, talks, dances, and loves to happy. A lot of people find that annoying and start to bully her, I want you to keep an eye on how the other girls treat her. Am I understood?"

    Aric looked at him with even more confusion and a bit of anger "Excuse my questioning, but you said she is always filled with happiness so why do I need to keep an eye on how others treat her." The Master looked at him and answered 

    "If you study Spirit and listen to Water then you will begin to understand." The Master looked at Aric who furrowed his brow and looked at the window. Later on Admina came carrying her suit cases and put them into the trunk then hopped into the car. The Master smiled but Admina rolled her eyes and said "Just remember, I don't like people nor do I get a long with other girls."

    It took three nights to find spirit so on the third day the Master and Aric had prepared for early departure. Lately, the men would not stop arguing who would win the beauties hearts and the women would not stop arguing who was the most beautiful and powerful. When Air had heard of Spirit being a rare beauty she blew up, the girls had made up how she probably had plastic surgery and used her powers to put spells on men. Air and Fire had become good friends and would gossip and complain about every little thing while Water would just sit there crossed legs listening and Shevia was always outside and slept out there too. 

    Aric had dressed himself in twice as much weapons because he had heard Spirit was very powerful. The Master just wore the same old. When they arrived it was a modern home with a huge green house attached to it, there they could see a small person watering the medicinal plants (herbs). The master mumbled "That's her" Aric looked at him with a shocked look on his face, he thought to himself how could such a small person be so powerful, she looks like she couldn't even open a pickle jar. Spirit saw them and walked out of the green house.

    She came skipping with a smile on her face to greet them, but came to a halt when she saw Aric she was quite frightened. Then covered it up with an even bigger smile and said in a almost whisper and low voice "What can I do for you?" She was pale, with a very small body she could've been four feet tall and icy gray eyes, she wore a long white dress that had a train in the back. The Master responded with a kind smile

    "We wish to speak to you privately about an important matter." She nodded and said "Okay, come along with me." Aric had been staring at her, the Master was right she was beautiful. I've never seen so much beauty, she's so small and gentle. Her eyes are incredible. She is so- he shook his head - I mustn't think like that nor allow her to distract me. He thought to himself.

    Before they went into her home the Master had sent Aric to the car because she was so frightened with his appearance. So much for being all powerful he thought to himself. He watched her gracefully walk into the house, watching her very long icy blonde hair wave around. He couldn't believe he needed to keep an eye on her, for she will distract him so much if he spends any time with her. 

    The Master came back and had be in quite a smilie mood. "Well, that was easy. She is a very good listener, and was very lovely to talk to. I am quite excited to have her on board with us." 

    Now, the next chapter will have them all together and everyone will know each others name. Will it be ok? Will they get along or start a fight?

Reviews

[JayG]

Let me precede this with a disclaimer: What I have to say has nothing to do with your talent or fitness to be a writer. It has to do with craft, the learned part of writing.

"The Master and the leader of the Secret Bulwark's had just arrived at Admina's house. The leader's name was Aric Gearin and he is the strongest of the Bulwark's, he's clad in a black t-shirt and black cargo pants. He wears a one standing hood that overlapped half his face and an eye mask for identity protection, an arm band on each arm filled with mini blade discs and smoke bombs, a belt holster for his small shotgun and taser, a bowie knife on his thigh and a boot knife."

What you're doing is "telling" this story. And by that I mean literally talking to the reader as you would were you standing by the campfire. But telling a story that way is a performance art. Take a simple phrase, "Good morning." We speak it all the time. But how much of the emotional content is carried in HOW it's said, rather than the words?

Say it one way and it's an invitation to make love. In another and it's a sales clerk's acknowledgement that you're there. In another and it's equivalent to "Hello you b*****d, I'm about to gun you down."

In telling a story, how we perform is, in many ways, more important than what's said, because the entire emotional content is carried in nonverbal ways: tone, cadence, the placement of pauses for breath, intensity, and all the tricks of the human voice. In addition there's expression, gesture, and body language.

But how much of that makes it to the page? not a trace. So the reader must guess, before they read a given line, how to read it. But while you know, because each line points to memories, images, and story in your mind, for the reader, each line points to memories, images, and story in YOUR mind. And since you're not there to ask... Have your computer read the text to you and you'll hear what the reader gets.

We assume that in school we learn how to write. We do, but not as a publisher views that act. The kind of writing we learn in school is designed to inform. That's why we wrote so many reports and essays. But they're nonfiction applications.

Fiction is designed to entertain, a very different objective that requires different skills—skills not even mentioned in our school days.

How much time did your teachers spend on how to handle tags, managing the scene goal, and the differences in what makes up a scene between film and the page? Unless your teacher was a successful writer, probably not a second. And how can you write a scene if you don't know what it is?

My point is that to write like a pro you need to know what a pro knows. And the good news, there, is that agents, writers, and publishers have written books on the subject, from the viewpoint of someone successful and knowledgeable. And in the end, if we want to be seen as serious about writing, shouldn't we spend some time and perhaps a few dollars on acquiring our writers education?

You might dig around in the writing articles in my blog, for a kind of overview of the issues you need to be aware of.

Your local library system's fiction writing section can be a huge resource. Seek the names, Dwight Swain, Jack Bickham, or Debra Dixon's name on the cover. They're pure gold.

Better yet, start with Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict, available from any online book story, or in hard copy from Deb's site. It's an easy, warm read, like having a conversation with Deb. And the cost is low.

The books won't make a published writer of you. That's your job. But they will give you the tools and the knowledge of what they can do for you.

Sorry my news isn't better. Hang in there, and keep on writing,

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Samantha Anabella]

Thank you for the advice and what to do on expanding my skills. I hope to become a great writer and you are helping me to do so, so thank you very much. I will most definitely check those books out! Have a good day!

[Philip Muls]

Samantha, well done, good basis here.

I also suffer from 'don't tell but show' syndrome. And I also find dialogue not easy to come by. Hang in there!

[barleygirl]

Your writing is above average, as far as the mechanics. There are a few common errors such as using "your" when it should be "you're" (a contraction for "you are") . . . but I'm not going to carry on about such details . . . just watch yourself from here on out, okay? Your story sounds interesting & intriguing. I think there's a long review (below) that has some merit, altho it feels a little heavy-handed to me, so don't lose hope when you get slammed like that. The part of his review I agree with is that you are telling this story instead of SHOWING it . . . SHOW, don't tell . . . that's the number 1 rule of good writing.

One way your "telling" manifests is in your dialogue. Dialogue is one of the hardest things to learn & get good at, so I applaud you for using it extensively to tell your story. Dialogue is usually the best way to SHOW instead of tell. But the way you're doing it, it's like telling instead of showing. In several places, one person is on a soapbox, expounding about the way this whole thing works. It sounds like the narrator is in a hurry to get all that stuff on the table. These chunks of dialogue are too long & expository. Our eyes glaze over becuz we're being TALKED AT instead of you showing us this talking interaction between two people.

Dialogue is best as a back-and-forth, the way people usually interact. If the big guy is explaining everything . . . instead of a long paragraph of his expository telling, it could be diced up into little segments, with the lady giving her feedback all along . . . that gives the reader some "relief" from this big outpouring of new information, plus we also get to see the lady's reaction to each bit of it, all along, which makes up the exercise of SHOWING instead of telling.

It takes a lot longer to write by SHOWING instead of telling. Each interaction is drawn out to twice the length or even longer. Your writing feels rushed, like you're filled with all these great ideas that you want the reader to understand, so you pack every paragraph with as much as possible. I appreciate your enthusiasm & it makes me want to know more about your story, even tho this isn't the type of genre I typically read. But you need to slow yourself down & take one little thing at a time, flesh it out & make love to the scene, like you have nothing else in the world to do that day. Show me everything about it. Don't forget to include all the senses . . . you are not only unfolding the basic concepts of your imaginary world, but also the details of the setting & what people are wearing, how their expressions show us something, what smells are in the air & so on. DETAILS are what make all writing come alive.

I hope this helps. I'll try not to overload you with all the things we all need to learn about writing . . . which can take years. When you get a review like this, the point is not to rewrite this chapter to be like people might suggest . . . the point is to just tuck it into the back of your mind & keep writing onward, incorporating more & more richness as you practice the art of writing.

[Samantha Anabella]

Thank you so much for the review! It really does help me! Have a great day!

[Daniel-Andre]

Here I am, just like I promised!

As it happens, I liked it. Decent writing right here, and I like how you intentionally placed similar but still wrong words in the dialogue. Y`know, since people can misspell words in real life, which makes the story more believable. That`s really great, in addition, you used words like "gotta" instead of "got to". Nice dialogue, indeed.

Here`s a little something I think you can do better, and this is just my opinion. Make a note of this that follows here: This is just MY opinion, which means it doesn`t have to be right, nor wrong. That`s the beauty of writing, it`s art. Which means there`s a lot of freedom.

In any case, here it goes. What I reacted to was that you "said" and "showed" at the same time. Perhaps that didn`t explain a whole lot, to put it like this. You mentioned the name of the emotion a character felt "telling" and afterward brought the actual package which is HOW the character felt "showing".

Personally in writing, I`ve seen people who only tells and people who only shows. You`re actually the first I`ve seen in a long while who tells and shows at the same time. Therefore I suggest, practice writing on just the showing part and leave out the telling. Because when your story`s already showing, it doesn`t need that telling part. As a fact, no story should have telling, like ever. Unless it`s necessary. Because you can`t explain everything to the smallest detail, that would make it boring.

Let`s not jump to a drastic conclusion here. I also thought the characters were interesting and likable. The plot was clever and caught my attention as well. So, a good read overall. No doubt. Keep honing your skills and you`ll reach your goals. Whether it`s the next Stephen King or something even bigger.

I bid you a good day, lass.

[Samantha Anabella]

Thanks so much for the review! I will definitely take your advice or at least try so thank you! Have a great day!

[Daniel-Andre]

Oh and by the way. I like the story you`ve created and I can see you`ve already released some other chapters. I`d like to read them too and comment what I think. It`s a learning process for me as well, a win-win you might say. Therefore, I`ll continue on the other chapters in my spare time. With you permission, of course.

[Samantha Anabella]

You most certainly have my permission lad! Thank you so much!

[Daniel-Andre]

Splendid! Sweet dreams, lass

[Brittanie Bardwell]

I really like the first chapter and it's very interesting to see where you are developing. The first thing i would suggest is, what S. Von mentioned, that you need to "show, don't tell" more. When I started writing, it was my biggest problem. :) My editor would have my books red inked so bad that I would end up rewriting everything. Even now, I still do it and have to have it pointed out. I, also, noticed that you are mostly doing this from Arc's point of view which is great, but I would love to get more into how he is feeling, what is going on around him, and how he's thinking about what's going on. I would also suggest that when you do "thoughts" that you separate them from the actual blocks since you are not writing in a first person view.

Fianlly, I wish there were more details about the girls that are present. Admina has a decent part but it's really sudden and fast paced then over. Suddenly, they are at Spirit's house and that went by so fast too. I may even suggest working the first chapter towards Arc's understanding on what has to happen and even dedicating it to just Admina and save Spirit's part for the next chapter so you really can get in depth with it.

I've been writing for a long time, and I've found that the best way to organize your story is to write down your plot, subplot, climax, and beginning and end. The in between can be all the fun filler stuff that gives life and detail to each character. This is entirely up to you and you may find other methods like mind mapping to be more useful.

All in all, I did enjoy it and hope to continue reading as you post. Great work!

[Samantha Anabella]

Thank you so much on the review! I've come to realize this story doesn't even have a good outline, what I'm saying is that I am aware of the beginning and end and some scenes that I want to put in but I do not have each chapter mapped out.

Sure in each chapter I will probably change a couples things, but I barely have what I need in order to write this book. A few writers have reviewed my writing and most of them say that I need to put more feeling and depth into my writing. Reader's do not see entirely or at all what I visualize in the book, so my next chapter may take a bit because I need to map everything out and gather information so readers can understand and love the world I imagine.

I hope you have a good day, thank so much for the review!

[Brittanie Bardwell]

Based on what I've read, I'm sure the next chapters will be great as well! You have a great imagination and a love for your world and characters that you want your readers to love too. Although grammar and sentence structure are important and something we should advance on learning, I believe that having such a strong connection to your stories and your world is also important. Outlines are great because they keep you going. When I was starting out, I had to rewrite my novels so many times simple because I wanted to add something or it didn't flow right to me. Outlines help prevent all that added work. Can't wait to see where this goes!

[Samantha Anabella]

Thank you so much! Ha ha, I am aware of my huge grammer mistakes and bad editing but Im working on that as well! Have a good day!

[moonlit_cove]

Samantha,

I actually really enjoyed this. I think that you have some great ideas for a fantasy story here, and your creativity really shines through. I love how you've given each character their own voice and personality. That's something that isn't always easy to do when there are many characters in a story.

The previous reviewer has given you some great advice, and one thing that I especially agree on is the creation of more paragraphs. Something that will really help you to do this is to start a new paragraph each time a different character speaks. This helps with the visual appeal and will also give readers a smooth flow to follow along with the dialogue.

All in all, I'm impressed with your ideas and creativity here. (I loved the description of Aric's attire, and Shevia's house, and when she came out with the suitcases and announced that she doesn't like people, I thought it was a brilliant personality touch!)

I'm glad that I read this and look forward to more. Keep up the great work!

[Samantha Anabella]

Thank you so much for the review! I'm actually rewriting the first chapter because the first reviewer really made me realize that I can do a whole lot better and of coarse the paragraphs are being fixed! Ha ha. Have a great day!

[moonlit_cove]

This looks GREAT, Samantha! Much easier to read, and much more aesthetically pleasing to the eyes. Awesome work on the rewrite!

[Samantha Anabella]

Thank you so much! I hope you have a great day!

[moonlit_cove]

Thanks, you too!

[S. von Glaubitz]

Thanks for posting this so quickly!

Right away, I’m struck by the size of the paragraphs. There is a visual component to pleasing a reader and enticing them to read. Try breaking some of these longer paragraphs up into smaller paragraphs.

Since you say you’re a young writer, I’m not sure if you’ve encountered the phrase “show, don’t tell.” I’m not good at defining things (strangely, since I’m a writer) but here’s Wikipedia’s definition: “a technique often employed in various kinds of texts to enable the reader to experience the story through action, words, thoughts, senses, and feelings rather than through the author's exposition, summarization, and description.” This takes some practice, but I can hopefully point you in a few places to get started.

Try cutting the first two paragraphs completely. Start your chapter with the Master and Aric walking up to Admina’s home. Then really slow down and take your time. Write as much as you can about everything you can think of. You can go back and cut things later. Allow the details of the story to be revealed through the dialogue, as with the Master explaining things to Admina. Maybe the Master makes some comment, in response to Aric telling him he should be back at the cabin, that Air’s advances make him uncomfortable, instead of explaining that fact in the narration.

Or you could start the book with the Master running into Aric’s room two nights later. Again, experiment. Try writing the entire scene only from Aric’s point of view. What does Aric hear that makes him wake up? What is the lighting in the room like? Try this: “Aric opened his eyes wide. It felt strange to do so, as he was long in the habit of keeping them concealed, but he had to banish the last remnants of sleep. This news was too important.” Ok, don’t use my words exactly. But hopefully you can see how even in just that little moment you get a little characterization, a little emotion, a little bit of story and intrigue, all without coming right out an explaining it to the reader.

And again, you even have the option of starting off with the visit to Spirit’s house, using the same techniques. It’s just a matter of choosing what you most want to expand on, what’s the most important. All the other things you wrote can easily be woven into a single, more-developed scene.

All that being said, though, I think you have a great premise here, one that would definitely appeal to young adult readers. I absolutely encourage you to keep working at it. You have some good lines: “Aric... prepared so much just for a very small girl that probably couldn’t even open a pickle jar.” This shows characterization and humor. It shows you have the talent to make this into something great. Keep at it!

[Samantha Anabella]

Thank you so much! This really helps me and I really appreciate the time you put into it. My mother actually said the same thing for the cutting up the paragraph's, I just didn't realize it wasn't enough. Your ideas and advice will definitely be used. Thank you again and I hope you have a good rest of your day!

[S. von Glaubitz]

What an improvement!! I like how Aric's appearance seems to frighten everyone and that he seems so prickly. He's proving to be an interesting character, and so is Admina. I'd like to see more about the Master, though, his appearance, age, etc.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter so I can learn everyone's names and meet them all individually! I also want to see where they're living. If you want, you can save talking too much about them until then. You can remove "Lately, the men would not stop arguing..." to "Shevia was always outside and slept there too". There might be more impact when we actually meet everyone and less confusion beforehand that way. Up to you!

Let me know when you post chapter 2!

[Samantha Anabella]

Thank you so much for helping me out! I was actually wondering if I could put in my notes that you helped me out? Just to make sure you do get credit because I really do appreciate all the advice. I promise I'll let you know about the next chapter!

[S. von Glaubitz]

Sure thing! I'm so glad my comments have been so helpful to you!

[Samantha Anabella]

Okay! Definitely will put your name in right away!