Chapter I [first draft]

Meet the King.

Distant rumor and some light struggling awoke the seemingly asleep man. He left his scarlet velvety throne and roared from the top of the stairs to the guards "What's going on there?"

The two men at the entrance had crossed their pikes and more showed up quickly and surrounded the man hiding inside a long and heavy dark cloak. One of them, who seemed to possess a relatively higher grade, whispered to his mates "Hold him tight, men!" and ran to the king. He bowed and kneeled sheepishly in front of the authoritative man and reported in a murmured voice.

"My Lord, that beggar says he wants to speak to Your Highness. Says he possesses something of great value to Your Lordship, but he is lying, of course." He kept his head bowed, moving a few inches behind without having his knees lose contact to the granite floor, and waited for his master's reply.

The king frowned for a second, then turned around and ordered to the guard "Take him away!"

The old beggar started struggling harder as the king's words reached his ears, and despite his weary stature he proved surprisingly enough strength and agility to escape the guards' clutching. He ran towards the throne, his torn and dusty shoes barely echoing a whisper. As he approached the reporting guard, he hit him with the staff he only used for deceiving appearances. His road to the king was clear and he darted forward, putting his hand inside his cloak for the lethal weapon that would have cut him short by one life. His face was all covered by his hood and had it not been for the visible hand holding his staff, one would have certainly taken him for a ghost. One of Death's personal messengers, rather.

"My Lord!" a sharp and terrified voice broke through the temporary silence, making the king turn around with flaring eyes.

All this time, the man had not been aware that the shadowy mass wrapping the left side of the royal chair was equipped with a blonde wavy hair, a pitchy voice and two big blue deadly frightened eyes. He stopped. The guards behind him started to come out of the shock and were gathering around him with their swords out. They obediently stepped back as the king himself descended the stairs and signaled them to back off.

The man bowed his head and waited for the lord to approach him. As the king's steps drew closer, he kneeled and subtly hid away a rebel straw of long black hair that had escaped from under his hood.

"Speak!" the king ordered as he stopped at a reasonable distance from the man.

"My Lord" he began, with a slight tremble in his carefully trained voice "I have come to pay my tribute."

The blond grace got her blood flowing back inside her veins and approached the king whispering into his ear, though loud enough to have herself be heard by the dirty and suspicious man "My Lord, you need no tribute from such a filthy, poor b*****d! What possible material goods could bring such a wreckage like that?" She snarled a harpy look at the man, a harmless threat that he arrogantly ignored.

"Your Lady is right, Sire. I bring no material..."

"That's not my Lady!" the king growled between his teeth and turned towards the once more frightened to death woman "That was your last time! You've had your warning!"

"My Lord, forgive me" she started pledging at his feet, but he only pushed her back with such violence that only despise for the lousiest and dirtiest beast one can feel.

"Lance!" he ordered, and though none of the guards was named that way, they quickly exchanged experienced glances and one of them approached and grabbed the despairing woman from her elbow, dragging her to the darker corners of the hall, behind the thick columns and into oblivion from her master's grace.

"Speak!" the king said once more, in a calmer yet no less frightening voice as he approached the stranger and lifted his chin with the tip of his imperial sword. 

Author's Note

first draft. critique welcome and appreciated

Reviews

[Elzereth]

You've piqued my interest with this first chapter. Lora has some good points of course, and I was going to say the same as her about the awkward sentences. Also, I have noticed a few other things you might change as well, such as where you said "Distant rumor and some light struggling awoke the seemingly asleep man."

Perhaps, if you want to keep that sentence the way it is somewhat, you might try it like this.
"Distant rumor and some light struggling awoke the seemingly sleeping man."
Also, 'rumor' would perhaps not be an appropriate word for this sentence, as rumor means about the same as if you were to say gossip? Perhaps you could try replacing 'rumor' with something to the effect of' 'noise'. Unfortunately, at the moment I don't have my thesaurus on me, so I'm at a loss for a more interesting word lol.

Also you have "despite his weary stature he proved surprisingly enough strength and agility to escape the guards'"

Perhaps you can try it this way. "despite his weary stature he proved surprisingly strong and agile enough to escape the guards'"

Other than that, I can't think of anything that Lora hasn't already said. I have to say it does indeed seem too short for an actual chapter. It seems somewhat...unfinished. I can't wait to read more though. I like the concept of this one and I love your descriptions. With such a small taste, you leave me wanting more If you have any other questions, feel free to let me know! Good luck!

Your friend,
Michelle

[~The Queen~]

Hello! I'm here to help!

Ok, let's get down to business, shall we?:

1. The first paragraph (or first sentences I guess, lol) were well written. It seems as if the story is starting right off in the middle of the action. Well done, it's a grabber. However...The first dialogue os supposed to be screaming or yelling correct? You might want to add an exclamation mark in there. Something to chew on while you read.

2. The seemingly asleep man= awoke a man who had restless sleep(maybe) Now before I go on I want you to know that you don't have to use any of the advise I give you, and I hope you won't be offended.

3. This beginning is good because it grabs you in but loses after the first dialogue. You need to have something to keep the reader gripped in your story. When the guard relays his information to his King, don't use 'Your Highness'. In my research, people only call Kings and Queens 'your highness when Your Majesty has already been used. But, again, these are mere opinions.

4. Th old begger gives us a mental picture already before you even describe him, but when you say he had surprising amounts of strength to escape the guards' clutchs then your just contradicting yourself. You can portray him as being weak and desparate so have the King come closer to look at him or something and then make your move. The movement won't be as big as getting away from two heavily armed, HUGE guards (I'm only assuming)

5. INstead of saying 'stopped a reasonable distance before the man" you could say something like "stopping out of reach of the man" it adds more depth to the story and it stops the story from being a history book.

6. "The blond grace got her blood flowing back inside her veins..." very confusing here.

7. though loud enough to have herself be heard by the dirty and suspicious man = she spoke to the king, making her voice carry to the waiting prisoner

8. "That's not my Lady!" the king growled between his teeth and turned towards the once more frightened to death woman = this is also a veru confusing part in your story. You might want to clean this up or add a bit more to the chapter because the way he says it, it does two things
- Make the reader think that the King has been accused of something and;
- Wonder why the woman was so terrified the first time.

9. "Lance!" he ordered, and though none of the guards was named that way, they quickly exchanged experienced glances...I'd get rid of this, or reword it. Why would the King call on a guard who isn't or never was there?

10. ...lifted his chin with the tip of his imperial sword...this is kind of sudden. When did he draw the sword? Why did he draw his sword?

Ok, all in all I have to say you have alot more thinking to do before the story can run smoothly, and I understand that this is a work in progress, so you have something to chew on while you work. Other then the points pointed out by myself and others, you're story is something I'm going to be monitoring. I like it.

-The Queen

[Lorelee Tate]

An interesting beginning. I have a few suggestions, though.

There were several awkward sentences here that I found rather confusing, such as "she started pledging at his feet, but he only pushed her back with such violence that only despise for the lousiest and dirtiest beast one can feel." Also, the first line wasn't that confusing, but I didn't think it really served as an attention-grabber. I would suggest trying to make it a bit more active, such as having him jerk awake as he hears a commotion. Really, the best way to find the awkward sentences (outside of asking someone else) is to read over each sentence out loud and make sure that it makes sense. If it doesn't, just re-phrase it.

I found a lot of the dialogue to be a little passive. This mostly had to do with the dialogue being thrust into the middle of the descriptions and actions. I would recommend giving the dialogue first and then introduce the speaker so that it seems less like a sidenote and more like something the reader really needs to know. So, instead of "The king frowned for a second, then turned around and ordered to the guard 'Take him away!'" it would be, "'Take him away!" the king ordered to a guard behind him." Obviously, that's not the only way it could be phrased, but for the sake of an example.

I noticed a point of view switch toward the middle of the chapter, where it went from the king's perspective to the beggar's. Just as a warning, be very, very careful when switching points of view. When the reader goes from one character's thoughts and feelings to another's very suddenly, it can be confusing for them. Keep in mind that the point of view character only has access to their own thoughts and feelings and can only guess everyone else's.

This is probably just a personal preference, but I thought that the ending was a little too sudden. That type of ending makes this sound more like a prologue instead of a real chapter, or else that it's unfinished. I think it would be better to continue the scene until there's a more appropriate place for an ending, such as something being revealed or solved.

I hope these suggestions are helpful to you and that you don't take them too personally. I'm intrigued by the lady as well as the old beggar and I look forward to the next chapter.

Lora