My Friend's South Yendiyan Yexperience!!

DISCLAIMER : This story was told to me by a friend one day who made me promise that I would write this on 21st Feb 2008. Too bad I don't remember his name or face because i was far too drunk that day. Thank God I atleast remember the story and the day I had promised. I am quoting him directly. All errors are due to him. Any factual (in)accuracies are due to him. All errors are on him. I only reserve the right to deny that I ever wrote this. Please do not read this. I am writing this only to keep a promise cause I don't remember what was supposed to happen to me if I broke it. I am doing this under compulsion and not under my free will.

Article begins :

Today morning, at 8AM I was woken up by the loud banging of drums like we, Bengalis, are accustomed to during October in the Puja Season. Or when a North Indian wedding takes place. Or when there is merriment in general.

I went outside and saw that in front of our house a colourful  - almost rainbow colored - "mandapa" had been setup with fluttering wings and all that jazz.

Although the local people around that area speak and understand English reasonably well, but try their utmost to feign they don't, the nonchalant I asked them if someone was getting wed.

They nodded their head. The way North Indians, or even we, Bengalis, do to denote a "yes".

I was amazed. I have been staying here for almost a year now and not seen a girl nor a boy of marriageable age. Mainly kids of age 6 to 10 who always point at us and laugh.

Our landlord who used to be perpetually drunk used to be the only person I could see around that region. I knew he was a good man when I saw him sleeping, which was most of the time, but as he was drunk, most of the time too, I did not have the pleasure of having a conversation with him.

His wife, a strong lady with an excellent vocabulary in her native language and even more strong lungs also had a strong presence around him. I have not been able to make up my mind if she was a good lady, because I rarely saw her sleeping, yet she did believe that applying force with a broomstick, and using both sides of it, would do her husband much good.

The kids had, of course, all the good points that their parents could pass onto them, plus some more (because genetics is hereditary - or vice versa. I am not sure. I studied bio last in class 10).

As they can understand English reasonably well but have not yet learnt how to feign ignorance, (plus I had one day heard them saying "there runs the whiteskin chased by two of our many cows ha ha ha...") I had once asked them why they did so - you know - point and laugh at us every time.

"It's because you have a funny language. It's because you are fairer than most of our unexposed, unscortched bums" they said.

I had felt hurt that day, thinking how worthless we are - being made of bum skin (or even possibly inferior material) and all. I felt sad.

I felt inferior.

I also felt bad that I spoke in a funny language... I felt bad I pronounced "lata" as "lata" and not "latha".

That extra 'h' made all the difference - like Nippo batteries to Duracell.

I envied those who referred to the undocumented DOS Interrupt "21 hetch" whereas the only 21 in DOS i knew was Interrupt "21h".

Needless to say, with all these memories coming back to me like a torrent, I was feeling sad - and to add to that some PEOPLE I DID NOT EVEN KNOW EXISTED IN MY LOCALITY were getting married.

I was dejected.

I returned back to my flat no 5. I had a cleansing bath, dressed in clean clothes, bought some chocolates and candy and got them packed in glittering plastic. I was determined to have atleast "kunjum sadapam" with "sambhar and rasam" at the wedding.

I approached the mandapam.

Altough the two blessed people for the day were no where in site, I was sure they would turn up sooner or later.

I waited.

When they did not turn up, I asked them, in Thamil - the only language they understand (thanks I. A. M. S. O. M. I. G. H. T. Y. Devaramanan Thanguraju Raorajagopalanawathy for translating !) or speak - "etharkaka inge celebration?"

The drumming stopped for some time. All of them looked at me.

Simultaneously.

Like Rajnikanth at his villain(s).

Only they look at me once and kept looking (Rajnikanth usually looks at his target, then turns back,
then looks at his target, then turns back,then looks at his target, then turns back,then looks at his target, then turns back, and finally looks again, and then keeps looking while the camera zooms to his face until you can see the inner black of his iris clearly,and maybe a reflection of all the villains he's been looking at)

I felt bad again. I thought they disliked my brightly decorated chocolate.

I became positive they wanted more. Chocolate was not enough.

But I could not move. I was transfixed with their eyes pinning down at me.

I waited for divine intervention to come.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My mobile rang.

It was 12:30:10

I. A. M. S. O. M. I. G. H. T. Y. Devaramanan Thanguraju Raorajagopalanawathy had called back to know how the wedding was proceeding. Keeping calm, I explained the whole thing.

It was now 12:30:40

I. A. M. S. O. M. I. G. H. T. Y. D. T. R. (as we all call him) told me I better hand over the phone to the eldest person there so that he might better understand the situation.

I complied.

It was now 21:30:40

I. A. M. S. O. M. I. G. H. T. Y. D. T. R. was on the other side of the phone.

"Your landlord died today. Kidney and Liver failure. The multicolors and drums are to welcome him to the after world".

I sat down and had my chocolates.

Oddly they seemed better now that they had turned to paste.

Article ends.
 

Reviews

[Candle in the wind]

Oh god I can't believe this Look who has finally decided to reveal his talent.It is delightful and has your special flavor.What an anti climax !! Just add a note at the end as to who Rajnikant is and whatever else needs explaining for the readers from the other end of the globe.Send read requests to people.