Sorcerer gone

musing

In truck, at paddock, w/ Turi.   My beloved Sorcerer has died.

Guess he was 11-years?  He was looking old.    But a few days before he was running across the field, ignoring my call, usual.

I kept saying 5 dogs was a mistake but not true.     One gone and the hole in my gut is huge.            Moon kicked out a glass pane in barn doors, 5 feet up.  High kicker, cut her foot.   I cleaned up the glass at night.  And replaced the pane with polycarbonate today.

Wind is blowing a full gale.    I stare at the paddock and woodpiles, looks like a proper old New England farm...

Can’t sell a dam thing?

  I feel guilty putting Sorcerer in the ground.    It never seems right, like you threw them away.   Humans just can’t understand ‘death’.  That some mechanical error could stop that dynamo and end all that vigor, wit, incredible life gone?

My brother summed it up in the best way I ever heard, when my Wizard died, my brother said,   ‘’Wizard does not know he is dead’’.

That still helps.

They do not know that they are dead.     Of course in the fabric of the universe, their time of life,   they are not dead.       They just got over to the end, to a tattered bit of thread.

Sorcerer must have, after being in ‘’operation before’’ and woke up, surly believed he would wake again.

As I believe ea night I go to sleep.   And it would not matter one whit to me if I did not.

My life would not be any less than it was nor could my life be removed from this sparkle place, the universe.    My molecules drift out of me by the moment, and are replaced with molecules new to me.    Molecules that have been floating in this cosmic soup of time, born in long dead stars, flung into space, to find and congeal into Earth pre-used molecules in dinosaur blood, dirt, water, in and out of life forms since the beginning of life on earth.   A bit of iron in my truck, in my blood, the same no molecular distinction.  

One day the Sun will blow and the Earth will evaporate, and radiate out the stuff of life, and mountains, and seas and somewhere in the cloud will be all the molecules, the very ones that my Sorcerer and I used in life.      And if there be Gods they will mingle and recall as they go off to congeal again.