absence

absence 4.18.99

do you ever feel the insignificance of your own flesh. the intensity of which i vibrate is what separates my bones from rock, and i don’t know, i feel confused, i feel awful

do you ever wonder why you’re the only one aware of your body, and yet all that you do with it is work it from room to room? the weight of the world on my shoulders isn’t weight at all

or maybe it is

but i dont know anymore, can’t know anything when you’re underneath foggy water so much and the love of other people makes you feel like a pot of soil that has gone dry for too long

or maybe i dont feel anything

if i could only just touch her a little.

in myself, i am the absence of myself,

and when i move,

i don’t move at all.

if only i could get laid.

i feel myself floating in the center of the vast universe, maybe, but im so small,

uncertainty….

horrible things happen when you want them to, but only it never

ever

happens in front of you, so you think it never happened at all. im tired. im so tired and i’ve been lying on this bed under this window drooling, paralyzed

if i could only f**k her once.

drugs mess you up but i cant feel it. what i do feel is the absense of things.

Author's Note

thourough feedback greatly appreciated

Reviews

[Ashira Macy]

This piece is fascinating. It is contemplative and in the moment personal. It makes me feel as though I am reading someone's journal entry. It is like a prose poem combined with narrative. Very well done.

[WritersRankings]

this is an epic hidden gem of a poem, it vibrates about the human condition and the breathing awareness of adolescence and the push-pull of existentialism.

Some poems blow you away by their authenticity, poetic technique can only take a poem so far. This pieces transcends the ordinary limits of audience and reading.

[sadsores]

I don't even think it's that good, but I feel so encouraged now. I will keep writing. Thanks for the feedback.

[shutbudholdsabee]

Your beginning is an intense and vivid depiction of what it is to inhabit a human body. Your images are startling and strike in the gut. They're tactile; you feel this poem instead of seeing it. Favorite lines:

the intensity of which i vibrate is what separates my bones from rock
you’re underneath foggy water so much and the love of other people makes you feel like a pot of soil that has gone dry for too long

I see the power in your stream of consciousness, you have here a mind degenerating into desperation and the chaos is important, but I do feel like a little more structure and tightness could improve the poem enormously, such as reworking lines like "and i don’t know, i feel confused, i feel awful" and (just my opinion) adding capital letters and punctuation. Your images and ideas are very sophisticated and the poem's complexity deserves its speakers respect.

The poem spins a thick web of connecting ideas. Overall I love it. Look forward to reading more.

[sadsores]

Thank you.