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Dear family and friends,

I am keeping this journal for you because I don’t know how much longer I can take my life. Whether I die from myself or something beyond me, I leave this to you so you know my life.  I will always love you.

January 1, 2010

It is the start of the New Year. Everyone is out partying including my parents and older brothers. I am home alone. I don’t have many friends because of my problems. They say I am always depressed and angry and on and on. It just gets so annoying so I told everyone to stay out of my damn life. So far it has worked. I just stay at home and I get lonely all the time. I never know what to do but just sit here and listen to music or sleep. I just hate myself. I don’t need to live anymore. I want to feel pain like a real person but I can’t because I am so numb. I moved to the bathroom and laid in a hot tub of water. My eyes peered over at my razors and I thought about how I could feel pain if I cut myself. So I then got a box cutter because it looked super sharp. I sat in the floor of the bathroom and pulled my pants down to cut my leg so people would not notice. As the blade was touching the skin, I heard the front door slam. It was my parents. Crap! I quickly put the blade away, pulled my pants up and left the bathroom. Of course my parents were drunk as usual.

January 20, 2010              

                January has been going okay. My grades have been staying in the C’s and I am okay with that. No matter how hard I try I can never do better. Not only is school going good but my uncle, aunt and two cousins are in town. All my brothers are home too. Today I saw them playing football in the yard so I went to join in the game, and they let me even though it is known by everyone that I suck at the majority of sports. They decided since I can’t do much they would let me hike the ball and then get the crap out of the way and let them play. I got down and held the ball close to the ground. He then said, “Hut!” and I threw the ball under my legs. It flew and hit my cousin directly in the face. It felt like everything was going in slow motion. In that moment, I knew I could never play any sports again. Well, that was not the worst part. Not only was I embarrassed but my cousin was pissed. He punched me right in the face and then said something I will never forget. “You will never have friends in life. You suck at everything. Now go inside and be by yourself because that is where you belong.” I ran inside and went to the bathroom and slammed the door. Crying, I took the box cutter I had left in there the other day and pushed down hard on my leg with the blade. I sliced back in forth many times. The blood surfaced and the tears suddenly stopped. I was smiling bigger than I have ever smiled before. I looked in the mirror and noticed it looked like a horror movie. I felt pain for once. Thank God for pain! We would all feel dead without it.

February 10, 2010

                Today I was sitting in the eleventh grade English class. We were reading and every time my eyes met another student, they would give me nasty looks. It was like I was not even a person but a disgusting piece of trash. When I walk down the halls, it seems everyone travels in groups. It is like everyone turns their head away from me and leaves me to walk in my own path. I understand why they do that though. The other day I was in chemistry class. I was talking to a few people in the class, but I can never seem to shut up. Everyone always gets really annoyed. I feel like my voice is the most annoying thing about me. That is one thing that I would change about me if I could.

 

February 25, 2010

                During lunch today, I went over to the table with all the guys and there were several seats open. I was about to sit down and Derek, the class clown and idiot, told me to sit by myself because I don’t deserve their presence and all that s**t. I walked around the lunch room and when I passed by open seats, they suddenly became occupied by bags or feet. I felt like a bag was more important than me, which is probably true. As I walked around, I noticed these two girls sitting with each other. I went over to them and asked them if I could sit down. They seemed excited to see someone come over to them and were glad to let me sit next to them. They introduced themselves as girlfriend and girlfriend. I was open to new things so I didn’t care one bit. Besides, they were nice and funny.

March 12, 2010

                I have made my two best friends, Cierra and Brooks. We sat together during lunch every day. I soon discovered that they were really perverted and always making jokes. I got used to it and I soon started laughing too. They are so nice to me though. They look at me so different than everyone else. I actually feel like someone loves me. Wow! I have never felt that feeling before now. It is one of the weirdest yet best feelings. I have no reason to cut or drink anymore. Oh I didn’t tell you about my drinking problem. I have never had the urge to do drugs but I can drink a good bit. My favorite is drink is definitely vodka. My brothers buy me drinks sometimes. That is the only thing they do nice for me. Well anyways I decided to start keeping my journal in my bag because I like to write down my thoughts when they are fresh in my mind.

March 22, 2010

                The best thing happened today. Brooks and Cierra were trying to cheer me up so we went to the store and bought paint. It was a total surprise to me. We went to Derek’s house and snuck over to his car. We drew penises all over his car. We made sure that this kind of paint would not come off so easily. The funniest site in the world was when everyone at school laughed at how decorative his car looked.

April 4, 2010

                 I was going home a couple days ago. It was a great day until this moment. I reached down in my bag and something was missing. My journal was gone. S**t! I didn’t know what to do. I was so nervous and scared to find out who grabbed my journal out of the chemistry room. My head was spinning in circles. The person who found it would know what I really think about life and my bad habits of cutting and drinking. I just didn’t know what to do. When I got to school today Julia, Derek’s girlfriend, approached me with journal in her hand. She read it and told me she told no one. She felt really sorry for me. I have always had a crush on Julia. She had beautiful long red hair and green eyes. I could never keep my eyes off of her. Julia did something that truly surprised me. Before walking away from me, she handed me the journal. I opened it and noticed a small note. It was Julia’s handwriting. She said to meet her after school outside of her house which was a few blocks down from the school. I was nervous to see what would happen. I walked to her house and she was right there waiting for me. She told me to come inside and right when she closed the door, she tackled me. We had sex right there. I was nervous, but she told me that her parents were at work.

April 5, 2010

                Today I decided to brag a little bit in Derek’s face which was a bad idea. I told Derek that Julia and I had sex. Of course he didn’t believe me and Julia denied it. She then hated me. She told Derek about my journal. She said that I wrote that I was gay. The bad thing about this was that everyone in our class heard it. It was the worst feeling in the world. Everyone believed that I was something that I am not. This was probably one of the worst moments in my life. I went home and cut myself like usual. It is a release. It is an addiction that I love and never will give up.

April 22, 2010

                School is almost over and I still only have two friends. I just feel so lonely. A couple days ago, I was at a party because school was about to end. The party was at Julia’s house. I got really drunk and I fell asleep on one of the bedrooms upstairs. When I woke up I had a strange feeling that there was someone with me. I looked over and saw a guy passed out. I could not remember anything that happened before I fell asleep. The guy woke up and he could not remember anything. We asked other people at the party and Julia said we were both in there for a while. Then it suddenly hit me. Knowing the truth almost made me pass out. I was raped! I didn’t want anyone to know so I never said anything.

May 10, 2010

                I was sitting in class today. Derek looked at me with puckered lips, acting like he was kissing me to see my reaction. I gave him an evil stare the rest of the class and wished that he was dead. I wish his guts would spill out on the floor. That is what he deserves. I am ruined. I have no hope. I have nothing else to live for.

May 26, 2010

                It is the last day of school, but I am not excited. That just means I won’t have any friends. I remembered the box cutter. The one thought that has never crossed my mind is the one thing I am going to do. This is not my journal but rather my suicide note. I will cut down my wrists instead of across. I will cut deep many times until I bleed out. Goodbye family. Goodbye to my two friends. I will see you hopefully in heaven. I don’t know where I will go when I die. I don’t know anything anymore.

Author's Note

I plan to make it long and more drawn out.

Reviews

[Also known as Clare.]

I know this is supposed to be really sad, and it is, I almost cried... but drawing penis's on the car xD that was hilarious man. Hahaha. But good job:) Keep up the good work