Desert Bloom

A mafioso has to deal with feelings about his partner while being on the job.

The road was dark out in the desert night; the only source of light coming from the headlights of my car. With no other cars around this late it would be a nice ride if it wasn’t for the fact that I had somewhere to be. Although being told to go the desert this late isn’t something I want to do in my line of work, I’m not going to say no. At least I ain’t going it alone, I just wish it was someone else who was here with me.

“Dom we’ve been on the road for what feels like an eternity and you haven’t even told me why we’re even going out into the desert in the dead of night. Actually it feels like you’re trying your hardest not to say a word to me for the past couple of days,” Mike looked a little worried.

“I just don’t really want to talk right now, that’s all. Besides I already told you Big Joe wanted us to go so now we’re going.”

“And he didn’t say why?”

“Well apparently he found out who stole the boss’ diamonds during that deal that went south a few weeks ago and we need to get the info out of them to find out where they hid it.”

“So he didn’t tell you who it is?”

“Nope, just that we had to get down here as soon as possible before the Boss loses her s**t again.”

“I guess we better hurry then. Don’t want to make her any angrier.” He looked out the window with a crestfallen look on his face.

Mike wasn’t enthusiastic about this and it wasn’t just an “I don’t want to do this job” type of feeling. I could feel something was off about him. I’ve been best friends with him since I started in the family so I feel like I have some notion of how he ticks. It has to be because of the other night and I’m hoping he doesn’t bring it up.

“You haven’t answered my other question yet. You’re not mad about the other night are you Dom?”
His voice sounded a little sad when he said it.

Damn it. There are things I wasn’t sure of when I befriended Mike back then and something grew between then and now that I never wanted to say or do until that night. I was hoping I could have a few days separated from him to think about it but I just had to pick up Joe’s phone call earlier.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Well after that you disappeared until today so I’m thinking it has something to do with it.”

We were almost there, if I can just go a little faster maybe I don’t have to listen anymore.

“I meant what I said and I know you did too. It was a great - no it was the best night of my life. I know you weren’t comfortable with everything yet and maybe I should’ve slowed down before it got that far. Then you wouldn’t be so mad right now about it.”

We arrived and I couldn’t look him in the eye. He was still waiting for me to say something. I want to tell him to give me some time it’s just that I couldn’t bring myself to say anything.

“Please... I need to know if you are mad at me Dom.”

He tried to place his hand on mine but I swatted it away and left the car. I kept walking toward the tripod light in the distance where Big Joe and his boys were while trying not to look back. I don’t want to think about it no matter what. It was a mistake to let things go that far although part me feels like it was the only time I was actually happy.

“Finally you guys are here! I was ready to call some pizza and make it a sleepover.” Big Joe was leaning on his car looking threatening with a shovel in his hands. The six foot deep hole and Joe’s two goons beating a messed up guy didn’t help either.

“Nice hole your guys dug Joe. Did you finally decide to whack your wife after all her attempts to get you into a keto diet?” Mike said it without missing a beat. He looked like the complete opposite of how he was in the car.

“Very funny a*****e good to see even this late you still have that s**t sense of humor.”

“Sorry about that Joe it was a long drive and he was quiet through most of it.”

“It’s okay Dom I’m happy that you finally got this idiot here. He is going to love what we got. We just finished listening to some very interesting information from our old friend here. He also gave us a special video, isn’t that right Jeremy?

“I gave you a name and the recording Joe what more do you want!? Please just let me go!”

I’m surprised to see Jeremy here. He’s been a reliable fence for our family’s hot goods for years now. He’s an alright guy but if he had something to do with this his betrayal is unforgivable. I wonder what he told these guys that Mike is going to “like”. If I had to guess it might whoever has the diamonds is hiding in a drug den. Mike hates them because everytime he has to collect the cash from our dealers the drugged up crazies always try to jump him. I always thought he was exaggerating that part but when I go with him on his collection runs they always try to jump him and only him. Seeing him freak out everytime is one of the simple joys in my life.

“You did Jeremy, you did. The thing is you tried to fence some valuable diamonds our boss wanted and you didn’t come straight to us. Your dumbass actually tried to sell it to one of my boys here instead of giving it back like a good guy would.” Big Joe pulled out his gun and aimed it at Jeremy’s head.

“I’m s-s-sorry! I needed some money okay I’m sor-“ Joe pulled the trigger but the gun jammed.

“Are you kidding me right now!? Jesus, Mary and Joseph, this piece of crap, of all the times it could do this it would do it now.” He dropped the shovel and started fiddling with the gun’s slide.

Big Joe’s trademark gun jam makes this evening almost worth it. It’s comical how the underboss of the family refuses to get another gun or take care of this one enough to avoid this happening so often. There was one time it happened while I was helping him out on a hit and if it wasn’t for me being quick on the draw he would have died right there. It happening again now did help me take my mind off of the conversation in the car for a moment. I wish I could say the same for Mike though he looks tense when he would always laugh at this.

“Joe you need some help with it?” I started feeling bad for how long it was taking him.

“No thanks Dom I got this.” Joe fiddled with the slide a little longer until the bullet finally flung out of the slide.

“There we go. I have to clean this soon it’s been years maybe that’s the problem with it.” He aimed the gun at Jeremy’s head again and shot him straight into the hole.

“Well Joe it looks like your wife isn’t the only thing you can’t do right.” Just like that Mike switches moods again and he still just can’t keep his mouth shut. I’ll admit it was a bit funny and he got one of Joe’s boys to let out a laugh.

“Seriously!? I just kill a man and you crack a joke about my manhood? And you, did you just laugh right now?”

“No sir it was just a cough sorry.” He stopped smiling.

“I thought there should be some levity to this situation. You know seeing as you made us drive out to the desert at 2 o’clock in the morning for no reason because you did the job for us and shot the guy.” Mike was trying to hold back a laugh while Joe was ready to raise his gun again.

Another one? I couldn’t believe this was happening. Mike always makes jokes in bad situations and he never liked Big Joe but he never cracked this many jokes about him like this in his face. I can’t tell if it’s the lack of sleep, the conversation in the car or that he’s plain crazy.

“Guys calm down. I want to get this over with and go home. Where’s this video Joe and where are the diamonds?” The two stopped their staring contest.

“Ol’ Jeremy didn’t have them but I got the video right here showing who stole ‘em.”

Big Joe pulled his phone out and started playing a video. It looks like a security recording of Jeremy’s pawn shop without any sound. After a few more seconds someone walks into the view of the camera with a briefcase but its view only shows the back of their head. The man talks with him until eventually Jeremy takes him to the back. The video switches to another view that is inside of the back office now showing in full view the man with the briefcase… Mike.

“What the hell is this Joe? I had to take Jeremy hot goods all the time, he’s one of the only fences the family can trust.” Mike said with a faint tremble in his voice.

“I know Mike but this video is going to blow you away. Trust me I saw it a couple of times and I can't stop getting surprised by it.” Joe's smile peaked my curiosity about the tape.

“Dom don’t listen to him or watch this crap.” Mike’s tremble made him sound desperate.

I ignored him and kept watching the video. Mike was looking around the office for a camera unfortunately for him this camera was hidden from his sight. When he went to open the briefcase I was praying in my head to anyone who could listen that it was stupid s**t and not the diamonds. I used up all the good karma I had on that deal gone bad the other day because if anyone was listening they decided to punish me by making me watch the diamonds in that briefcase. My heart sank like a rock causing me to lose my balance and back away from the phone until I got to the tripod light. I’ve seen a few traitors over the years, some of them I knew as friends and had to take out but this… is something I never could imagine would happen.

“Dom… I messed up bad,” he went back to his crestfallen look.

“How could you do this? What made you think you could get away with this!? ”

“I want you to know I wasn’t going to leave you when the deal went through. I just needed that money and I saw an opportunity albeit not a good one and took it. I-” Joe tried to shoot him in the back of the shoulder but the gun jammed once more.

Mike angrily turned around to punch Big Joe hard enough to knock the gun out of his hands and him to the ground. The gun is close enough for him to grab it if wasn't for Joe's goons tackling him as soon as Joe went down. I couldn’t move and let them beat him. Maybe as payback for him doing such a stupid move or maybe because I was dumb enough to believe he wouldn’t do anything like this. I've been shot before and the pain I feel now isn't anywhere near that. I want to do something I just don’t know if it’s to help or let it happen.

“Ouch you have a mean right hook Mike too bad you lost your friend for being an idiot. Even he knows you shouldn’t betray the family. It’s a good thing I told him to get you or else you wouldn’t have come here to give me the happiest day of my life.” Big Joe joined in on the beating leaving Mike a bloody mess but alive.

He kept asking him where the diamonds were over and over while hitting him for every no Mike shouted back. That is until he broke after a few more minutes.

“It’s in a storage I rented over by the King Burgers. The storage number is 122. Can you just put me out of my misery already?”

“There we go. That wasn’t too hard was it?”

His goons got Mike on his knees in front of the grave and held him place to keep him from keeling over while Big Joe picked up the gun and pulled the trigger only for it to jam again.

“This goddamn gun... what are the odds this happens again!?”

“Joe did you tell the boss about this already?”

“Nope I wanted to bring her his head and the diamonds as a surprise and boy will it surprise her when one of her golden boys backstabbed her.” He continued fiddling with the gun.

I started getting my head on straight again after hearing that. Looks like someone heard my prayers because if I want to act now would be a good time. It felt like time slowed for me as I thought about what to do next. I could let this happen and not worry about the consequences or I could save the man I... I love. I could do it if I wanted to. I’ve gotten out of tougher situations, my gun is loaded and the three stooges are all next to each other looking away from me. It’s simple, I just have to hit all three fast.

The sound of the bullet flying out the chamber got me out of my thought. For a slight moment Mike looked me in the eyes and mouthed something that solidified my choice.

“Any last words smartass?”

Mike spit at him. “You are one fat motherfu-“ a gunshot interrupted Mike’s train of thought before two more shots went off.

He didn’t move as the three around him fell to the floor. Just to be safe I put another round in each of their heads. I looked at Mike for a few seconds until I helped him up and to Big Joe’s car. He leaned on the hood to keep from falling.

“Now before you say anything yes you do smell s**t and it was Big Joe from his post mortem release not me from a near death experience. I’m cool even in the face of death, ouch,” he said with a pained chuckle. He put his hand on his ribs and his bloodshot eyes avoided looking at me directly.

“I’m pissed at you for even thinking this would work you idiot. I was ready to let you die until I remembered you owe me $20.”

“No it was for another reason… right? Please tell me it was the other reason ‘cause I can’t tell when you’re joking.”

“I saw what you mouthed and I feel insulted that you told me ‘screw you’.”

“What!? Are you sure they didn’t knock you across the head I mouthed I love you!”

As soon as he finished talking I kissed him for the first time since the other night.

“I know I just wanted to hear you say it again.”

“Jesus Christ I’m going to die of a heart attack.” He really did look like he was going to die.

“Time to get serious though. Are the diamonds really in that storage?”

“No way I knew you’d bail me out of that situation so I made an opening for you. Took you awhile to take advantage of it, I was one second away from joining Jeremy in his eternal slumber. I actually hid the diamonds in the toilet tank at my place.”

“It was a ton of fun watching you get smacked around for doing something that stupid.”

“Ouch man.”

We both broke into laughter, well in Mike’s case very slow pained laughs, for a whole minute. I wanted to stay like this for a little longer but I had to fix his mess.

“Mike I’m going to have to take the diamonds over to the boss. You won’t get your millions just your life which isn’t a bad trade if I do say so myself. I have an idea of what to say to the boss to get us out of this. Big Joe wasn’t the greatest guy with the stuff he had going on behind her back from what I found during the search for the diamonds. I can use that and the diamonds to win her over. We tried to confront him about it, you got hurt, he and his goons died, we found the diamonds, win-win.”

“Sounds like a plan, it’s the only one that has a chance of working and mine involved running far away and being hunted for the rest of our lives. I like yours better.”

“Good. I’m going to bury these guys then I’ll take you to your place and get the diamonds. I have to take it to the boss as soon as possible. Call the usual doctor to your place after I leave and relax for a few days. Don’t even think of pulling off something this stupid again.”

Mike nodded then I helped him to get to the passenger seat of my car. As soon as I sat him down I hugged him as softly as I could and went to work on the clean up. With him by my side even if the odds are stacked against us, I know we can make it out of this mess.

Reviews

[JayG]

Among other things, you’re over-explaining, and the added word count slows the narrative and reduces impact:

• The road was dark out in the desert night; the only source of light coming from the headlights of my car.

First, a semicolon isn’t a comma. Both sentences must be fully independent.

Next, you’re stating this like a report, one item following another. Why not use “desert road so the reader is placed immediately, rather than at the sentence end? Why tell the reader it’s dark and that it’s night in the same line? Won’t night, alone do it? Won’t having the headlights the only light say it’s night? Combine and compact. That same thought can be expressed as:
- - - -
The desert road passing through my headlight beams was boring.
- - - -
Not only does it read faster, it’s what he’s feeling as he drives, as against a report of what once happened from someone not on the scene.

• With no other cars around this late it would be a nice ride if it wasn’t for the fact that I had somewhere to be.

Why tell the reader they’re in the car for something other then sightseeing? Won’t they know it when the passenger speaks? Never tell readers what they can note in context.

Pity the poor reader. At this point they don’t know what’s going on, where they are, other then the generic “desert.” They don’t know if the road is paved or dirt. They don’t know who we are or what’s going on. Given that, do they care if there’s traffic? Does how many cars they see matter to the plot? No. So it doesn’t move the plot, set the scene meaningfully, or develop character. And anything that doesn’t do at least one of those things serves only to slow the narrative and dilute impact. In short: dump it.

• Although being told to go the desert this late isn’t something I want to do in my line of work, I’m not going to say no.

When you read this, you can hear the emotion in the voice of the narrator, because it’s the emotion you would place there. And you can, because you know who he is and why he’s there. Were this a performance, with the narrator on the stage alone, the emotion you’d place in the voice would make the line work. But you’re not with the reader, and that reader is missing everything they would need to match your performance, so…

Here’s the deal. First person is NOT the storyteller pretending to be the character talking about what once happened. There’s no difference between:
- - - - -
“Although being told to go the desert this late isn’t something I want to do in my line of work, I’m not going to say no.”
and:
“Although being told to go the desert this late isn’t something he’d want to do in his line of work, he’s not going to say no.”
and:
Although being told to go the desert this late isn’t something you want to do in your line of work, you’re not going to say no.
- - - -
Changing which personal pronouns we use doesn’t magically convert telling to showing.

My point is that the reader expects to have the protagonist as their avatar, and form an emotional connection to that character. And the protagonist is the one living the scene, not the one telling the story. Fail that connection to the protagonist’s moment of now and the reader won’t care enough to turn the pages, because we’re hearing what amounts to a detailed history lesson on a fictional character. And because history is immutable, who invests emotionally in what happens? Our lives are filled with uncertainty. Can the protagonist’s life be less uncertain and have the reader care? Will a detailed history lesson entertain if the audience can’t see and hear the storyteller’s performance? Remember, with verbal storytelling, how you tell the story matters every bit as much as what you say, because the all important emotional part of the story comes from the storyteller’s performance, not the words. Our medium can’t reproduce the performer’s tone, cadence, or intensity. So the breathless rush and the carefully placed pause for breath are missing, as is the facial expressions, the body language, and gestures that add so much.

• “Dom we’ve been on the road for what feels like an eternity and you haven’t even told me why we’re even going out into the desert in the dead of night.

First, let’s pull the unneeded words:
We know it’s night. Why repeat that? Dialog is the essence of the conversation, not a transcription of it. That kills the need for “even.” And what necessary function does “going” and “out” play?

So with that trimmed we have: “Dom we’ve been on the road for an eternity and you haven’t told me why we’re in the desert.”

Better, but we know where we are before the line begins. We know the ride is long and boring. So, what’s wrong with, “What’s going on, Dom? Talk to me. Why are we here?”

Eleven words instead of nineteen. Won’t everything else you said implied by those words? Won’t it be more in the moment, and have more impact because the thought is expressed a little more than half the reading time?

And: In the previous line you have the protagonist say “ain’t” to show his general class. Now, this character talks like an English Lit grad? Eternity doesn’t track.

I also have to say that from the start it’s obvious that Mike’s the one who stole the jewels—if for no reason other then that it’s been done a hundred times on TV and film.

Added to that, because the protagonist mentions the diamonds, logic says Mike has to know that he’s in trouble, since he is the one who took them. And, he knows that someone’s talked, so he’s dead. The only question he might have is if our protagonist knows. So if he has a lick of sense he’d bop our protagonist over the head, dump him, and steal the car. It would be easy, too, because apparently the protagonist doesn’t suspect him. That he doesn’t do or say anything to protect himself demotes him to the status of plot device.

One of the pitfalls of telling the story from the outside-in, as against placing the reader into the protagonist’s viewpoint, is the temptation to force the protagonist, and others, to act in accordance with your plot needs rather then how they’d act were they living that situation. So, Mike is obligingly stupid and misses the point because the plot requires it. How real can he seem doing that?

See the problem? And remember, though the narrator is supposed to have once been the protagonist, he cannot be on the stage at the same time as the protagonist because they live at different times. In practical terms it means your reader is with someone they can neither see nor hear, who’s talking ABOUT events that happened an unknown time in the past. Would you rather hear that or live the story? Which would you find more entertaining?

Obviously, this isn’t something you wanted to hear after working so hard on the story. But the news isn’t all that bad, because nothing I’ve said has to do with talent or potential, only the necessity of placing the reader into the story as against explaining the story to them. An inside-out presentation, in other words, as against outside-in. And that’s fixable once you’re aware that it’s happening.

In fact, your writing and imagery is better than most. And that’s great. What you need are a few tricks that will place the reader into the story as a participant. For the most powerful way I know of, this condensation of something Dwight Swain defined demonstrates the method well:
http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

Chew on it till it makes sense. Used with skill it gives the feeling of story-time passing as we read, converting a narrative into real-time, placing the reader in the moment the one living the scene calls “now.” Doing that makes the character’s future as uncertain as our own lives are, and therefore, interesting.

If that article does make sense, and seems like something to know better, pick up the book it was condensed from, Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer. It’s the best I’ve found to date at presenting the nuts and bolts issues of writing fiction.

Sorry my news wasn’t better. But if we write just a little better each day, and live long enough… So hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/