Wordless

Yeah.

Remnicized winter delusions
allusions
and snow
I want to die in that cold
I remember from
so long ago

There's a chill in the air
where bright signal flares
used to be
As the bark turns to dust
I reliqnuish our trust
by the tree

And I'm far from where you are
but I can't disguise the scars
Where the sins that I hide
are beside me
wherever I go

Now the memories fade
I've endured this tirade
for too long
they chastize and fight
all about how they're right
and I'm wrong

But I'm far from where you are
and I can't disguise the scars
Where the sins that I hide
are beside me
wherever I go

So here I am, weeping
and seeping this
making it real
but no resonate music
or lyric explains
how I feel

These words are my veins
And they're bleeding the pain
Unexpressed
The ink on the page
is the sadness and rage
I suppress

And I'm far from where you are
but I've lost my morning star
While you have no guilt
as I wither and wilt
and it hurts

Author's Note

Some of the lines and rhythms are kinda off. Point them out, tell me how to fix them.

Reviews

[J. A. Svercek]

No the first paragraph is fine.

This is great spoken word. I really like it. I think your biggest issues are

a) when you try to stick to a fixed rhyme scheme and in the third stanza you end up with "by the tree". There are other examples, but I am tired and I cannot think of them. That phrase to me is just weak, so I would suggest replacing it would something imaginative or (off the top of my head) just saying "by our tree". Which suddenly gives the tree meaning.

b) I was going to say how the ending was a bit weak, but I reread it and decided otherwise.

This is fantastic stuff. I actually stayed up all night long last night watching Andrea Gibson (hence my tiredness).

[Bhavya Kaushik]

I liked the randomness and that raw emotion in it.
But I guess, it would be much better to write it in a more structural way!
Great work anyways.

[siobhan]

i love your usage of words like relinguish, delusions, flare and fade. they go well with your ryhming rythm and add more feeling to the message. very well-written

[PerfectFlaw90]

Hmm. The only part that really threw me off with the rhythm was the first stanza how the second line is just a single word. You could maybe add a bit more to that. Everything else was fine to me. As for the actual material, I think you have a really good talent for putting feelings into words that create vivid images. "These words are my veins/And they're bleeding the pain" That's just awesome. Overall, I really enjoyed this poem, two thumbs up.