Breakdown

This is semi-based on something that has happened to me. Enjoy!

Morning grogginess quickly turned to panic when I walked around the corner into the hallway at school. I pulled my best friend back around the corner quickly and slammed myself flat against the locker, praying that I wasn’t seen.
“What’s your problem?” Elly asks, her golden hair flying all over the joint.
“He’s back.” I reply breathlessly as Elly peeks around the corner.
“So he is.” She smiles as she hugs her books and rests on the locker beside me.
“Do you know what that means?” I whisper, my voice almost at hysterics.
“I…hmmm…I think…” Elly shakes her head, her curls falling around her face. “No, wait…no. What does that mean?” She asks, flicking her hair from her face. I peek back around the corner to find the boy has been stopped by some other students.
“It means she’s back.” I hiss, flicking my head back around from the corner. He, is her twin brother. She, was my best friend.
“Oh.” Elly says, brushing my dark hair from her face.
“Yeah, oh.” I reply, surprised Elly had no idea what I was talking about.
“Alice?” A girl calls from down the hall. Instantaneously, I snap my head forward in front of Elly’s, my dark hair become a curtain between the caller and my vision. I flick my head up the slightest and my hair flies back over my head.
“Alice!” The girl squeals and I look at the floor, wishing it would disappear from beneath me. My wish isn’t granted. I quickly rise and spin around. With one step around the corner, I’ve smashed into him and my books are scattered across the hallway.
“Alice? Hey!” He laughs as I fall to the floor, piling up my math and history books.
“This cannot be happening.” I mumble to myself, standing with my books in hands. I’d been best friends with her, or Katie, for thirteen years, until 3 years ago, when she and her twin brother Dan, vanished from the face of Earth. No matter how hard I tried to contact them, I’d failed. For all I’d known, they were dead. But they’re not. They’re standing before me, just like three years ago.
“Long time no see huh?” Katie says, hugging me. I’m looking at her brother, who’s at least two heads taller than I remember.
“Alice George to reception thank you, Alice George, to reception.” Saved by the receptionists, thank goodness.
“I’ll see you in history Ell.” I call over my shoulder then sprint away from my ex best friend and her brother, away from the painful memories. When Katie and Dan disappeared off the face of Earth three years ago, I went into panic mode and did all I could to find them. When I couldn’t, I could only assume they were dead. I missed a lot of school that year, my dad placed me in therapy because of what they did. No matter how many times I called, or wrote, or knocked on their front door, they were gone, completely vanished. the past three years as been hard work, I’ve done all I can to erase them. And then bam, they’re back, like nothing ever happened. Tears flood my eyes as I walk briskly through students, towards the reception. Memories rush back, as if the brick wall I’ve built to keep them out has broken.

This is it. I’ve lost the fight.

Damn.

Author's Note

Reviews greatly accepted- constructive criticism included!

Reviews

[Bella-Marie]

Wow, this piece was a bit higgledy piggledy but apart from that I LURVE it to bits. Can you also space out the paragraphs.

Good story, though I did notice some errors. I'm not too sure about the change of tense after the first paragaph. The first paragraph was in the past tense and the rest was in the present tense. It's a little jarring for the reader, so maybe you could see if you change that first paragraph into the present tense. It'd also seem more interesting if you did that and showed the first part as it happened.

"I whisper, my voice almost at hysterics" could be a little tighter. You could change it to: "I whisper, almost in hysterics" or "I whisper, my voice almost hysterical" or something like that.

This one could also do with a little cleaning up. "He, is her twin brother. She, was my best friend." You could write it like "He is her twin brother. She was by best friend" or "He...is her twin brother. She...was my best friend." I think I'd prefer the first one.

With the dialogue, I just noticed that you have the sentence spoken, a full stop, then who spoke. That full stop should be a comma.

Also, with the dialogue, you used the same structure over and over again with little variation. You mostly had the words spoken, who said it, a comma, and then an action they did with it. Try to vary this a little.

Put a full stop after "year" in this sentence: "I missed a lot of school that year, my dad placed me in therapy because of what they did."

You used a few adverbs that weren't the best choice of words. In some of these cases, you could replace the verb and adverb with a different verb that describes the action better.

That's all I could find. Fix those up and you'll have a good story. I'm sorry this was based on something that actually happened to you.