pain is inevitable

-pain is inevitable. i know that. but i still find myself standing on the edge of everything wondering what it would be like just to touch the ground at 10 miles per hour or faster. i still find myself searching for something to relieve the pain in my chest, even though i know i threw out everything last summer.
i know that everyone gets a little sad some days, but i still find myself laying in the grass too late at night, wondering if i really do want to get better. i still drive the car a little too fast and wonder how it would be if i just turned the wheel to the left and never looked back.
i know that i can be happy, but sometimes i sit on the floor and welcome back the emptiness with open arms. i still write a little too much about the events during the day, rather than the way i feel. because sometimes im afraid that if i write about it, that means its real.
i know that we all die one day, and that every day we live on this earth, is one less day we get back, but i still try to hold onto memories through objects, as if they will bring back her laugh. i still find myself rummaging through pictures i know i shouldn't look at, just because the pain has become a drug. and im too afraid to really experience joy, for fear ill fall harder than before, and for fear that it wont last as long as i want to.
i know that pain is inevitable. but that doesnt mean i dont miss it when its gone.-

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Very gut-level confessions here, I'm guessing. Yes, you've definitely nailed it. Pain is inevitable. It took me many years to finally get that. You're way ahead of the game, given your astute observations & conclusions in this piece. Good to describe your suicidal thoughts in such detail, SHOWING, rather than TELLING (always the mark of good writing). I also love the way you admit that you're a little attached to your pain . . . it's easy to get into the habit of identifying oneself as a sufferer, rather than a survivor. I like the way your pondering seems to straddle this distinction.

[Ryn]

thank you so much!!!