Seven Deadly WomenA Stage Play by ryerye17An absurd playAt curtain, we see MICO and CELESTE arguing around a table. A cake box is prominently displayed on top. CELESTE Shut up! MICO You shut up! CELESTE No, you shut up! MICO This is so frustrating! All this over a cake? CELESTE Can you read, Mico? MICO Can you let things go? CELESTE (reading what is on the cake) “Happy Retirement, Priscilla.” MICO And? CELESTE First off, your mother’s name is Prudence not Priscilla. And it’s her birthday, not her retirement. MICO So it’s a little typo - CELESTE A little typo? I let you do one thing for your mother’s birthday - MICO It’s not enough we hold the party here - CELESTE - And you still screw it up. MICO Let it go, Celeste. Mama wouldn’t care. What is the big deal? The phone rings. Mico lets it go to voicemail. CASSANDRA on stage right leaving a message, while driving. It is a busy road. CASSANDRA Mico, it’s Cassandra. Is mama there already? Traffic. I’m on the way - (to an unseen motorist) F**k you, the light is green - (on the phone) I just have to pick up a present. Did you get her a present? Well, mine is - (to the motorist) Oh, go to hell, a*****e - (to the phone) Not you, just this STUPID DRIVER WHO CANNOT READ SIGNS. I’ll call you. CELESTE The big deal? Do you think Cassandra or even Lucky would make this mistake? MICO Don’t drag my sisters into - CELESTE Your sisters would have made more of an effort. Mother Prudence would be happy and would give them a bigger cut of the inheritance. MICO It always goes back to that - CELESTE - And it doesn’t for you? I’d rather die than have the Suarez fortune fall into the hands of that irate lesbian or, worse, that skank. Doorbell rings. HARRIET enters from within the house to open the door. She takes her time to cross the stage, limping. CELESTE (cont’d) Great. That’s probably your mom. MICO She’s early. CELESTE She’s gonna see me in this mess. She’d think we’re too cheap to get dressed for her and she’s never gonna give us the money. Celeste exits as Harriet opens the door to PRUDENCE. HARRIET Good afternoon, ma’am. PRUDENCE So you haven’t been fired yet. HARRIET No, ma’am. PRUDENCE Were you aware that you were making my beauty wait here in the heat of the sun while you took your time to open the door? HARRIET I’m sorry, ma’am, I have a stiff leg. PRUDENCE Excuses. That’s all you lot can muster. Excuses. MICO (hearing the commotion) Mom? Mom, it is you. PRUDENCE Baby boy, how are you? (kisses him) Is your gold-digging wife here? MICO Not so loud, she might hear you. PRUDENCE There’s doubt? Let me remedy that. (shouting) Is your gold-digging wife here? MICO Mom, please, it’s your birthday. Celeste is throwing you a nice party. PRUDENCE (noticing the table) It would be nicer if she attempted to use a better tablecloth. MICO Mom, that was your anniversary present. PRUDENCE Huh. That says a lot, doesn’t it? MICO Celeste is just preparing herself. She wants to look her best for you. PRUDENCE That’s a first. CELESTE (bouncing in with an expensive looking dress) Mother Prudence, how are you, I missed you so much, how was your trip, was it good, my you look stunning today. PRUDENCE Mico, is my room ready? MICO Up the - CELESTE Yes, Mother Prudence, I used our best sheets, our hypo-allergenic pillows and even the most fragrant air-fresheners. PRUDENCE Huh. So you don’t use your best sheets for my son’s bed. MICO Mom, that’s not what she - PRUDENCE You, maid, bring my bags up to my room. Harriet lifts Prudence’s bags. It takes her a considerable time before she leaves. PRUDENCE (cont’d) You should hire someone more competent. MICO But she’s - CELESTE Yes, Mother Prudence, we will fire her first thing in the - PRUDENCE Is my grand-daughter here? CELESTE Yes, Ella is in her room studying, she’s been going on and on about how she misses her favorite grandmother. PRUDENCE Has she eaten? CELESTE Well - MICO Actually, mom, Ella has been having some problems. PRUDENCE I suppose someone’s not cooking enough for her. MICO She doesn’t - CELESTE Of course not, Mother Prudence, I cook and I cook and I slave for her but she still refuses to see me as her mother. PRUDENCE I want to see her. CELESTE Ella, grandma’s here! Mother Prudence, how was your trip? MICO Honey, mom just wants to rest after her flight. CELESTE Nonsense. I want to hear all the details, don’t leave anything out, we’re all just so fascinated with your life. PRUDENCE Honey, give it up. I wrote the book on sucking-up. The phone rings. Mico lets it go to voicemail. Cassandra on stage right leaving a message, while driving. It is a busy road. CASSANDRA Mico! Almost there. Mom there yet? Pick up - (to motorists) Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, well I can give you a finger too! You want a whole fist! (on the phone) By the way, have you heard from Lucky. I’ve been calling her all day and she hasn’t picked up. Anyway, I - (to motorists) You did not just challenge me! You demons - (on the phone) I’ll call you back. ELLA walks in morosely. She is morbidly thin. Harriet follows her, dusting around. PRUDENCE Hello, Ella. MICO Ella, what do we say to grandma? ELLA Hello, Grandma. PRUDENCE Ella, my favorite grand-daughter. CELESTE (aside) Your only grand-daughter. MICO Ella, what do you say to grandma? ELLA (insincere) You’re my favorite grandmother! MICO Mom, Ella has been a good girl. She has passed all her subjects, she’s taking college exams this September. ELLA (rolling her eyes) Jeez, dad. MICO Such a sweet girl. PRUDENCE Look at you! You’re so thin! Is Celeste not feeding you? ELLA No, I’m so fat. Look at my arms - I look like a cow! PRUDENCE Nonsense. Celeste, why don’t you let her eat? ELLA Is that cake? PRUDENCE No, it’s - why, yes it is. Let me see that. MICO (grabbing it) No, no, it’s a surprise, mom. (handing it to Ella) Here, bring this to the kitchen. ELLA (smelling the cake) Smells so good. MICO Kitchen, Ella. Ella stares at the cake then exits. LUCKY (OFF STAGE) YO-DE-LE-HI-HOO! MICO What was that? LUCKY (OFF STAGE) YO-DE-LE-HI-HOO! MICO Is that - ? LUCKY (OFF STAGE) HOO-HU! HOO-HU! MICO Oh, no. Is she - ? LUCKY (OFF STAGE) (in a fake British accent) And a good day to you, sir. PRUDENCE I cannot handle her right now. Mico, I’m in the same room? Prudence exits, Celeste tagging along. CELESTE Let me show you to your - Doorbell. Harriet sits down on a sofa. MICO Harriet? HARRIET (browsing through a magazine) Yes, sir? Doorbell. Repeatedly. MICO You forgetting something? HARRIET I don’t think so. LUCKY (OFF STAGE) I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down! HARRIET I think I left the oven on though. Oh well. MICO Perhaps, you’d like to get the door. HARRIET Oh, right. Harriet opens the door to a very drunk LUCKY. LUCKY Why, hello, there. You look mighty fierce. MICO Lucky, Ate Cassandra’s the lesbian of the family. LUCKY Kuya Mico, how are you? (hugs him) Happy birthday. MICO It’s mom’s birthday. LUCKY Give your little sister some lovin’ - MICO (dragging Lucky to a couch) Why don’t you sit over and have some coffee. Harriet, would you get some coffee? HARRIET But I’m wide awake, sir. MICO Not for you, Harriet. Harriet exits. LUCKY Did I - hic - get Ate Cassie right? Mommy’s dividing her inheritance today? MICO Don’t think about that, Lucky. LUCKY You don’t want me to think about it because you want everything for yourself! You and your greedy wife! MICO Lucky, sober up. LUCKY No! MICO Where did you come from? Your house? LUCKY A bar. Correction. The house of some guy from the bar. (laughs) Ella enters wearing a tight shirt. ELLA Daddy, daddy, daddy - MICO What, Ella? ELLA I’m fat! This shirt is too small for me! MICO Ella, that’s your shirt four years ago. LUCKY That’s a hot shirt. ELLA Aunt Lucky, do I look fat? LUCKY It doesn’t matter, dear. Men go for big gals like you, now. Ella exits, crying. She bumps into Celeste. CELESTE What’s wrong? ELLA Celeste, Aunt Lucky called me fat! CELESTE So she’s here. Harriet enters with a cup of coffee. MICO The coffee’s here, Lucky. CELESTE (swiftly grabbing the cup) No, it’s not. MICO Celeste, what are you doing? CELESTE If she’s drunk out of her wits, Mother Prudence would never give her a cent of her money. MICO Don’t be absurd. (takes the cup from Celeste and gives it to Lucky) LUCKY (drinking) This is bad coffee! I’ve had men that tasted better. CELESTE One cup of coffee doesn’t cure years of alcoholism, Mico. MICO (tastes the coffee) What the -? Harriet, what is this? It’s black! HARRIET I was too tired to find the sugar and milk, sir. MICO It’s right next to the coffee! (hands the coffee back to Harriet) Harriet exits. CELESTE Mico, you have to do something. I am so tired of sucking up to your mother. MICO Yeah, maybe you should give it a rest. CELESTE And let your siblings take the inheritance. You deserve the money! MICO Mom is never going to give you the money if you keep annoying her. Just lie low. The phone rings. Lucky answers the phone. LUCKY (straight) Hello? CASSANDRA Hello, Lucky? LUCKY (imitates Celeste) No, this is Celeste, dear. Is that you, my dear Ate Cassandra? CASSANDRA Stop f*****g around, Lucky. Is Mother there? LUCKY Oops, sorry, I have another call. Bye-bye! CASSANDRA Lucky, do not hang-up the phone. Do not! Do not! DAMN! LUCKY (hanging-up) Prank caller. Prudence and Ella return. Ella is still crying. PRUDENCE Stop crying. It is not lady-like. ELLA Aunt Lucky called me - PRUDENCE Yes, yes, I heard. LUCKY Mommy! PRUDENCE Hello, Lucky. Still got no HIV? LUCKY I’m clean! PRUDENCE What an achievement. MICO Mom, don’t lecture, she’s drunk. PRUDENCE What makes you think I want to lecture her? ELLA You should, she’s mean! PRUDENCE Ella, stop crying, now! Mico, make her stop. MICO Ella, honey, you’re not fat. Aunt Lucky is just...well, she’s, uhm, she’s crazy. LUCKY Mico! MICO Let it go. I could’ve called you by a worse name. Lucky passes out on the couch. MICO (cont’d) (checks up on Lucky) Harriet! (pause) Damn it, Celeste, why don’t you get her a cup of coffee? CELESTE Me? PRUDENCE Yes, or are you too good to get my family members coffee now? Celeste obligingly exits. PRUDENCE (cont’d) Now, Ella, stop crying. Grandma’s got a surprise for you. ELLA Food for a fattie like me? PRUDENCE Better! Your mom is coming. CELESTE (OFF STAGE) (shouting) She’s what? MICO Uh-oh. Mom what did you do? You know how Celeste feels about - CELESTE (storming in with a cup of coffee) - That man-stealing, power-hungry b***h? ELLA (covering her mouth) What? MICO Celeste, Wendy is Ella’s mother. ELLA (crying) How could you say that word? CELESTE Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. ELLA You say the word ‘hungry’ when someone is on a diet! Ella exits crying. MICO (shouting) Ella, you’re not fat! PRUDENCE Also, in this case, Celeste, you were the man-stealer. Celeste storms out. MICO Mother, what are you doing? You know putting my wife and my ex-wife in the same room is a disaster. PRUDENCE You see, Mico, of all my daughter-in-laws, she’s the only one I can actually stomach. Doorbell. LUCKY (waking up) My turn. Scoot over, b***h. (passes out again) PRUDENCE I’m not even going to ask. Doorbell. MICO Harriet, doorbell! (long pause) Harriet! Harriet! CASSANDRA (OFF STAGE) I got to pee! HARRIET (entering) I’m so sorry. I saw Miss Lucky napping and I felt so sleepy. (rushes to open the door) CASSANDRA Move over! Girl’s gotta pee! (rushes past her) Mico. Mom. S**t. (exits) LUCKY (waking up) Hi, ate! (passes out) PRUDENCE That is another talk waiting to happen. (exits) Celeste enters. CELESTE She’s gone. Good. Listen, Mico. I love your mother oh so so so dearly. MICO She can’t hear you. CELESTE Good. She’s just super annoying, the way she demands all this from me and inviting Ella’s mother, who does she think she is? The goddess around here? Prudence enters, discreetly. CELESTE (cont’d) Well, I got news for that old hag! There is only one room for a Suarez matriarch and once she leaves us all her money that position has Celeste written all over it. PRUDENCE Oh, really? MICO Jesus Christ. LUCKY Cat fight! MICO Mom, Celeste was just...she was - CELESTE Mother Prudence, I’m so sorry. It’s just that I’m so tired right now because I’m throwing you this great party and - Cassandra enters with the box of cake. CASSANDRA Mom, you never told us you’re retiring. MICO She’s not. PRUDENCE I’m not. CASSANDRA But the cake says ‘Happy Retirement.’ PRUDENCE Celeste... MICO No, no, that is for my dear friend, Priscilla. Didn’t you see the name. “Priscilla.” CASSANDRA No. I think someone licked the name off. Ella enters with icing all around her mouth. ELLA Are you happy, Celeste? Are you happy I’ve eaten? Are you happy that I’m so fat and you still want me to eat and eat and eat? Are you happy now? (storms out) CELESTE I think I need to lay down. MICO Honey, are you okay? CELESTE Yes, yes, I’ll just borrow this. (grabs Lucky’s alcohol bottle and exits) CASSANDRA Bro, your b***h is having a bad day. PRUDENCE Cut it out, Cassandra, it doesn’t suit you. CASSANDRA Mother, this is a valid life decision and I will stand by it! PRUDENCE I am not in the mood for this. CASSANDRA Heard Wendy’s coming. MICO Yes, Mom invited her. CASSANDRA Cool, cool. (beat) She still single? MICO Yes. CASSANDRA Cool, cool. (beat) She swing both ways? PRUDENCE Unless that is a reference to baseball terminology, I’d rather lie down myself. (exits) CASSANDRA She still hasn’t gotten over the fact that I’m into chicks now. MICO You were always into chicks. Who do you think stole your Playboys growing up? CASSANDRA That was you? MICO Guilty as charged. CASSANDRA You b*****d! I was looking for those! MICO That was thirty years ago, Ate Cassandra. CASSANDRA Breathe, control, one, two, release. MICO Therapy working? CASSANDRA It’s okay. Yo, s**t, wake up. MICO Please don’t wake her. I just got her to - LUCKY What’s with all the shouting? We should spread love not war. CASSANDRA And not STD’s. LUCKY Ate Cassie, you look like a boy. CASSANDRA Oh, go back to sleep. So, is it true? Mother’s dividing up the inheritance today? MICO That’s what I’ve heard. CASSANDRA Eldest! I call the house. MICO You don’t get to call anything. Mom does. CASSANDRA And your wife isn’t all up mother’s a*s sucking up to her? MICO It’s not working. LUCKY Up the a*s. (laughs) Always funny, Ate Cassie. MICO How’s the job? CASSANDRA Good, good. I just published my new poetry collection. You got my copy? MICO Sure... CASSANDRA You read it? MICO Well... CASSANDRA You didn’t read it? Goddamn it, my own brother not reading my work! MICO Well, it’s all angry lesbian erotic poetry. I mean, it started out fun at first but then I realized my sister is probably doing this then it becomes less fun. CASSANDRA And you, Lucky, you got a job now? LUCKY Got sacked from my last job. CASSANDRA The pimp let you go? LUCKY Apparently, even a doctor’s secretary is bound by the hypocra - hypocrit - the silly doctor’s oath. CASSANDRA I don’t think it’s their oath. It’s probably you. LUCKY I mean, I shagged all the doctors in that clinic and they still fire me? MICO Probably you. Harriet enters. HARRIET Mrs. Prudence wants to know if the topic of - (fidgets) To use her words, that woman to woman crap is over with. LUCKY Two girls, one cup. (laughs) CASSANDRA Tell mother my queer vagina is safely reared in. HARRIET I don’t think I can say that. MICO Just tell her it’s fine, Harriet. Thank you. CASSANDRA Hang on. (approaches Harriet) Hey, baby girl. How ya’ doing? HARRIET Fine. CASSANDRA I can take you out one night. I guarantee. You’ll never wanna do dudes again. HARRIET (unsure) Ooooh. CASSANDRA You free tonight? HARRIET Gee, I’d love to but I’m really tired. CASSANDRA You disrespect me! How dare you disrespect me! MICO Ate Cassandra, please. CASSANDRA Inhale, control, one, two, exhale. I’m sorry, as you were. LUCKY How about me, Li’l Harriet. MICO Yes, but you’re not a lesbian. LUCKY I have to be? Harriet exits. Ella comes in. ELLA Daddy, Celeste’s going crazy upstairs. MICO Ella, do you see who’s arrived? ELLA (uninterested) Hello, Auntie Cassandra. CASSANDRA Ella, you’re so thin! ELLA (teary-eyed) Lies! Lies! You’re mocking my weight. (runs out) Prudence enters. ELLA (cont’d) Grandma, Aunt Cassie...Fat...Fat... PRUDENCE What is your daughter’s problem, Mico? MICO Lack of love? PRUDENCE Celeste is not the best mother substitute. CASSANDRA Lay off my girl, Celeste, mother! She’s cool. PRUDENCE Perhaps, you’d like her to get all my money then. CASSANDRA I didn’t say that. Did I say that, Mico? No, I didn’t. PRUDENCE Lucky, wake up. LUCKY Mommy dearest! PRUDENCE I am such a bad mother. MICO You shouldn’t have woken her up. I just got her down. PRUDENCE We need to talk about my estate - Celeste rushes in. CELESTE Mother Prudence, how about some juice? You want more ice, Harriet more ice! You want anything, food, chips, anything. My wedding ring, you want it. PRUDENCE Sad. MICO Honey, why don’t you make us all some snacks? Open up the wine bottle. LUCKY I want more wine. MICO Three glasses of wine and free flowing coffee for her. CELESTE Harriet! Wine and coffee! Fast! Harriet. MICO Honey, why don’t you help her? CELESTE Harriet, hurry up. CASSANDRA Listen, you’re my home girl but what my dick-less brother here is trying to say - GET OUT AND GET ME MY WINE! Celeste storms out. LUCKY Kuya Mico, are you okay? Maybe you and Wendy could get back together. MICO Wendy and I are over. LUCKY But Wendy’s so so so pretty, don’t you think? Harriet enters with a tray of drinks. PRUDENCE As I was saying, and this is important, my estate - Harriet absentmindedly trips and all the drinks go flying. MICO Harriet! HARRIET I’m so sorry, sir, my mind was elsewhere. Ella enters. ELLA Eric just called. He said he’s breaking up with me for Sarah Ellis! He said I’m too fat for him! CASSANDRA Let’s pummel that b*****d! MICO No one’s pummeling anyone and no one is too fat. LUCKY Ate Cassie, you’re putting in on some weight. CASSANDRA What? PRUDENCE She may be a drunk, but she’s not wrong. CASSANDRA I. Am. Big. Boned! Celeste enters with a travelling bag. CELESTE Treating me like a maid as if I had done nothing for this family. MICO Honey? CELESTE I’m leaving. MICO But - PRUDENCE Why are you stopping her, Mico? CELESTE This is what you all want isn’t it? Me gone? You want to rid the world of me? Well, I’ve got better prospects out there! There are richer men out there. And I am suing you all! MICO Why is she -? LUCKY (to Prudence) There’s probably another guy. CASSANDRA Knowing Mico, probably another girl. MICO You’re not leaving me for another guy, are you? CELESTE There’s no other guy. Is there another girl? MICO Well, no. CELESTE You lie! That’s your lying face! MICO But, what -? CELESTE I’m out of here! Celeste storms out to exit but when she opens the front door, WENDY is there, hand raised to knock. WENDY Bad time? CELESTE You! You’re sleeping with my husband! WENDY You’re leaving. But you have it all, Celeste. You’re throwing it all away. (sweeps in) Hello, everyone. ELLA Mommy! WENDY Hello, Ella. (hugs her) You’re so pretty. ELLA But I’m so fat. WENDY Yeah, you need to lose weight. Ella sits down thoughtfully. MICO You’re kidding, right? She’s skin and bones. WENDY How would she learn to better herself when she settles for mediocrity? I should know, I regret that every day. PRUDENCE Hello, Wendy, sit beside me. WENDY Mother Prudence, happy birthday. I love your dress, where can I get one? PRUDENCE This old thing has been in my closet for years. CELESTE So that’s it? You all can replace me with her? MICO Alright, alright, I’m sorry I have to do this but it’s the only way. Celeste, quit the drama. It stopped working three years ago. Take your empty suitcase back to our room. Ella, help Harriet with the drinks. Go! Wendy, it’s nice to see you, would you mind waiting in the kitchen while we discuss some family matters? PRUDENCE Actually, Mico, I’d rather Wendy were here. CELESTE Wendy can be here? PRUDENCE Wendy doesn’t annoy me, dear. Celeste exits up the staircase. Ella and Harriet exit to the kitchen. WENDY Mico, why could you not have been this aggressive when we were together? I quite like it. MICO (uncomfortable) Well, you see, Wendy... LUCKY Mama wants some! CASSANDRA Shut up, s**t. WENDY It seems that you’ve given Celeste everything. Nice furniture, nice house, nice haircut, by the way. You couldn’t have given any of that when we were together? MICO We had no money before.. WENDY Celeste. Celeste. It’s always Celeste. Celeste creeps down. WENDY (cont’d) You love her more than you loved me. MICO Well...yeah. Giddy, Celeste exits up. WENDY Excuse me, I need a moment. (exits) CASSANDRA Always had a knack for the drama queens. Harriet enters with the drinks. The wine is in coffee mugs. HARRIET Sir Mico, here are the wine and coffee. I couldn’t find the wine glasses. MICO They’re at the cupboard. HARRIET It’s too high for me to reach. (starts handing out drinks) As Harriet is handing out drinks, she accidentally pours some wine on Mico’s pants. She immediately kneels down and gets a handcloth and wipes him. She exits. MICO Where were we? CASSANDRA Is there something going on between you and the maid? MICO What? No! LUCKY I could see sexual tension brewing. MICO She spilled a drink. LUCKY I saw your eyes connecting. Your bodies have danced the naked tango. PRUDENCE I do not like Celeste but I’m not sure replacing her with the maid is a smart decision, Mico. MICO I am not having an affair with Harriet! I am not cheating on Celeste! LUCKY That’s probably why she’s always so tired. MICO No! No! Shut up. CASSANDRA Let me check. (exits) MICO This was fun, wasn’t it, guys? Ella and Wendy enter, whispering. WENDY Mico! MICO Yes, hon - I mean, yes, Wendy? WENDY I think it’d be best if Ella would spend more time with me. MICO Huh? Where is this coming from? WENDY She’s already spent too much time with you and that woman. MICO Ella, say something. ELLA Mommy promised to help me diet. MICO Great. Just great. PRUDENCE You’re taking my grand-daughter away from my son? WENDY She is also my daughter, Prudence. LUCKY That means they fucked! (laughs) PRUDENCE Well, of all the ungrateful, insensitive - WENDY I’m sorry, this is hard for me too. MICO You cannot stand to see me happy, can you? WENDY Sure, Mico. This is all about you. Everything I do is against you. I am an evil, selfish woman! Celeste rushes down the stairs, holding a pair of red panties. CELESTE Mico, whose are these? These belong to you, don’t they? WENDY I’m sorry. Mico has never seen my panties in a decade and he never will again. LUCKY May I? (she gets the panties) You can always tell a woman by the panties she wears. CELESTE Well? LUCKY She was a s**t. Enter Harriet, crying, followed by Cassandra. MICO What is up? HARRIET She...she...she touched my - CASSANDRA It was a joke! HARRIET I was sleeping and she touched - CASSANDRA That’s what we get when we don’t wear underwear. Celeste, Wendy, Ella, Prudence and Lucky gasp. Lucky passes out. All eyes on Mico. PRUDENCE You’re having an affair with the maid! CELESTE She’s gonna get all my money! WENDY How can I ever compete with that? All eyes turn to Harriet. She faints. All eyes return to Mico.
© 2012 ryerye17Author's Note
Featured Review
Reviews
|
StatsAuthorryerye17Quezon City, National Capital Region, PhilippinesAboutRiley Palanca is a graduating student of the College of Arts and Letters at the University of the Philippines, Diliman. He is both a literary and performing artist. As a performer, he has graced stage.. more..Writing
|