The Beginning 2009

This poem documents what caused my mental health issues to surface! I wrote this as I needed to get my feelings out one night.

The Beginning 2009

I seem to mess everything up,
Even when things are good, I just fu*k up.

I have a wife and a wonderful daughter,
They are my life, but I lead them to the slaughter!

Im high all the time, memory loss, ITS S**T,
I can't even remember the important things, not even a bit!

I hate the doctors for what they have done to me,
I'd be better off at the bottom of the sea!

I'm 29, I can't recall of a good memory in all this time,
Please, please take me the end of the line.

At 16 I loved my job,
I was part of what I thought was a friendly mob.

I earned very little money, I started at the bottom,
I knew the owner this used to result in him going way beyond a bit of fun.

I worked hard, I earned respect, sometimes working eighty hours a week,
Then they abandoned you when they cause the times to become bleak.

They worked me so hard I had a seizure, I lost my car, my freedom,
I felt numb, dumb and complete isolation.

It started a chain reaction that changed my life,
I'm only here today because of my long suffering, vow honouring wife.

I felt like a failure, relying on lifts for a year,
I felt like a joke riding a push bike round, I used to be a field engineer.

The date finally came when my legs were unbound ,
But my hours were high again, even though someone drove me around.

I had another fit, 1 month of receiving my licence back, banned for another year,
F**k it, I started taking far more codeine, tramadol and drinking more beer.

I started to cut myself and enjoyed it,
I burnt my arms, when the wounds were open I rubbed them with surgical spirit.

They saw my arms, slashed all over, up and down, side to side, I carved words in my skin,
I had regular stitches,
My company PCL thought now was the best time to use their plan of the snitches.

I was fired from my job officially for not wearing my seatbelt,
It came as the Dr confirmed the fits were due to work, they’d broken me and they fired me because of the way I felt.

Nearly 9 years service, ended by Ian tucker,
The heartless motherf**ker!

When you’re mentally Ill you can’t fight back,
They know you can’t cope with a tribunal, it’s so much easier to give us the sack

My Mental illness intensified, I had problems piling high,
I had a wife and baby, a mortgage - I just wanted to say goodbye.

The director has a lot to answer for, a family friend for years,
Known through the JW cult, in both he’d caused so many tears.

Five years on, I still have dreams about being part of a team at Power Control,
It upsets me knowing I’d never have that banter again, it left a huge hole

They just kept on kicking me when I was down, docking my final wage,
That £200 meant nothing to them, but for me it meant I could no longer pay my mortgage.

This is we’re companies can change lives, but I felt completely unwanted,
There was no help for me, I had become a drain on them, I was broken-hearted

You will all get what you deserve, it's just a matter of time!
Life has a way of making you pay for your crime

Why, I couldn't understand why? They were my friends, I never viewed them as the enemy,
After years of asking questions, I found out that it was about money and jealously.

Part Written In 2016

I never stopped fighting and I got my apology,
It was them begging me to go back in the end ironically.

They had undergone big changes, the MD had gone and so had all the crackpots,
This from the CEO, but in a later poem we see a leopard never changes it’s spots.

Author's Note

This was written initially in 2010, added to in 2014 and then 2016! It was one of the first “poems” I wrote, and I just wrote how I felt.
I’ve still no idea what I’m doing!

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