The Milk Man

The only thing standing between Danny McAbee and failing a final exam is a gallon of milk.

Danny McAbee was almost finished with cleaning the dishes he used in his fourth period Foods class, just like any normal day. The school year was almost over, and the class had finally reached the unit where they spent their days making desert. The sugar-infused delectable trinkets of wonderfulness known as desert was Danny’s favorite meal ever since he was a kid. His mom had to drop out of culinary school when she got pregnant with him, so growing up he constantly was exposed some the most delicious food he ever tasted. She was so skilled behind the stove, that even a simple peanut butter and jelly sandwich just tasted better when she made it. 

 

The slop he slapped together in foods class couldn’t even compare to what came out of his mom’s kitchen, not even close. For the last two weeks, the class had been cooking up a less than delightful assortment of cookies, brownies, and cinnamon rolls made from recipes either right off the pre-packaged box or from the pages of whatever Julia Childs cookbook the teacher felt like working from that day. Danny was disappointed. He was a high-caliber food critic with a pallet that would make even the most exclusive and gourmet of chefs stand up and take notice. But alas, he held such a fiendish and uncompromising affinity for desert, that as long as he was able to lather that sugary, chocolatey goodness all over his yearning lips, he was satisfied. Today was especially intoxicating, because it was grandest of all- cake day.

 

He spent an entire period slaving over a double-layered yellow cake straight out of a Betty Crocker box. Every ounce of egg and milk had to be measured and measured again to compliment the powdery concoction of flour, sugar and corn syrup the box produced in the factory and thrown into its packaging without an ounce of love or care. In a daring move, he decided to reject the thousand-year tradition, and his teacher’s instruction, of complimenting the delightful yellow fluff with chocolatey goodness and instead decided to use vanilla icing. Scandalous. Mom would be proud. 

 

After the class had all finished cleaning up their dishes, utensils, and the rest of the utter mess they made, they sat down for a sacrament of sugary goodness complimented with libations of Vitamin D milk that, by the end of their feast, left every single student silent in a hyperglycemic coma. The teacher began to clear out her classroom because the semester was winding down, and started to give out items that had been in her fridge that would spoil over the upcoming summer break. Some students took home half-empty basket of strawberries a bag of cookies, and potato chips that would surely be bartered away or sold during lunch in the cafeteria’s black-market food trade that seemed to dominate a large sector of every school’s economy. 

 

Danny had grown close with his Foods teacher, Mrs. Fernandez, over the semester. One day after she caught him trying to make his own crème fraiche instead of a miserable recipe of flavorless cornbread that in its final form could be equated to a pallet of cardboard, he told her about his upbringing and his mom’s prowess behind the stove. Since then, she always gave him preferential treatment, and even turned a blind eye when he dared to combine vanilla and yellow cake, not marking him down any points for the assignment despite going against her directions. Intending for his mom to use it for cooking, she offered Danny to motherload of all souvenirs- aån entire unopened gallon of milk. He took it happily; he was always looking for something to help out his mom around the house. 

 

 

 

Walking through campus with a jug of milk garnered some weird looks and questions from his fellow students, but Danny didn’t mind. He could only think about all the mind-bending culinary concoctions that his mom would whip up after school because he brought home that gallon milk. Their food stamps didn’t renew for another eleven days, so he relieved himself from having to get his sugar fix from the off-brand nougat candy bars that his mom bought for him the month. He arrived at his locker, and thanks to a collection of books that he borrowed from the school’s library, the jug didn’t fit. That meant it was going with him out to the quad. 

 

“Can you believe that s**t?” said Justin, “He dumps her on Valentine’s Day after dating for almost two years, and she still went crawling back to him.”

 

“No words honestly,” said Josh. Danny’s friends were in their usual spot in the corner of the school’s quad- a flat piece of asphalt sprinkled with picnic tables and benches that the entire student body congregated on during lunch every day- just on the other side of a hedge from the entrance to the school’s main offices. One day earlier in the year, his friend Justin had brought a hacky sack to school in order to try and make more friends, and they had played with it during basically every lunch since. The group of sackers had grown to around eight, depending on who had detention or skipped school all together, and Danny arrived mid-game.

 

“Well look who decided to show up,” said, Justin, “Glad you were able to stop at the store on your way.” He pointed at the jugging of milk Danny had by the fingertips, and everyone’s eyes followed. 

 

“Yo what’s with the milk?” said Josh, “You gonna grab bowls and a coupla boxes of Frosted Flakes to go with it or what? I’m hungry.”

 

“Ew Frosted Flakes, what the f**k?” said Justin, “Cocoa Puffs or bust bro, get with it.”

 

“Coco Puffs? What kind of no-good communist-“

 

“Can you both chill,” said Danny as he set down the jug of milk under a bench, “It’s for my mom.” He took his place in the circle right across from his two friends and in between two kids dressed like anime characters wearing bright orange jackets with katakana writing on the back of them. They weren’t really friends with Danny and company outside of school, mostly because they were so quiet and spent their free time reading manga and playing each other in card games based on their favorite anime shoes. The shortest one among them was Justin’s favorite- sometimes she thought she was a cat and would hiss at people- and he would egg her on constantly in order to draw out to her facsimile talons and fangs. 

 

“Wow, Fernandez gave you a jug of milk to take home to your mom? When’s the wedding?” said Justin.

 

“Very funny,” said Danny, “Could you just serve the ball already?”

 

Josh dropped the sack and gave it a good kick with the side of his foot, sending it right over to Danny, “There princess.”

 

“So what were you saying when I walked up?” Danny said, “Something about crawling back?”

 

“Oh yeah,” said Justin, “I went down to the theater yesterday to ask Mr. Davies if he needed me to get some more paint from my dad’s shop to use for the set.” He almost lost his balance trying to knock the hacky sack to the next person. “S**t. Anyways. I walk down there, and the theater was empty, no house lights, no nothing.”

 

“Ok, and?” said Danny, “Davies probably left early. So, what?”

 

“Well lemme finish,” said Justin, kicking the ball directly at Danny, “So I’m standing there, right? And it’s all dark and creepy like the theater is when nobody is there. And then I almost jump outta my f****n’ shoes because I hear screaming and moaning off in the distance. I froze and listened, and it was a girl.”

 

“What?” said Danny. He had been petrified to be alone anywhere on campus since a senior in his health education class told him that the school was haunted and a couple kids had even gone missing in the boy’s bathroom that was connected to the science building.

 

“Right? So I follow the sound down the hallway and into the back, and it’s coming from the girl’s dressing room,” said Justin, “Which we all know what transpired in there back in the day.” 

 

“RIP,” said Josh. He hucked the sack right at Danny with more zeal that usual in an attempt to catch him off guard.

 

“Yeah. So I go right up to the door, and it sounds bad, right?” said Justin, “I’m talking some Moaning Myrtle, Chamber of Secrets s**t.”

 

Danny smirked with satisfaction knowing that Justin spent his weekend parked on his couch watching the Harry Potter movie marathon on TV, just like he did. “Please tell me you burst in there like a SWAT Team serving a bogus warrant in East LA,” said Danny.

 

“Oh yes sir. That’s exactly what I did,” said Justin, “And what do my curious eyes come across?” 

 

Danny kicked the sack right at Justin. He grabbed it with his hand and pointed it at Josh. “Alicia riding Tyler like she was a member of the goddamn 1^st Calvary Regiment,” said Josh.

 

“No way,” said Danny. Alicia and Tyler had been one of the most storied and infamous on-again, off-again couples in the history of the school’s Drama Department. Everyone knew when they were together- and when they weren’t- because the whole theater felt like a tornado had blown through it. “They broke up like- almost three months ago.”

 

“That they did sir,” said Justin, “At least, in theory.”

 

“My god,” said Danny, “So what happened after that?” 

 

Justin smirked. “Well, after snapshotting all I could in my brain to reminisce about later, I ran outta there like a bat out of hell. Been avoiding both of them ever since.”

 

“Wow I’m surprised that you didn’t stick around to watch,” said Josh. 

 

 The circle dispersed, and the boys sat down on a bench to eat their lunch. Just as they started eating, the cheerleading squad descended down the steps from the upper part of the school into a small stage at the front of the quad and started a routine to promote the varsity basketball game that was happening later that night. 

 

“What do you think is going to happen with Alicia and Tyler?” said Danny. He had formed a friendship with Alicia after working as a lighting tech in the school’s winter musical and finding himself caught between the two during one of their famous blowouts. She used him as an ear and shoulder whenever was the most convenient for her, and he didn’t mind it because she was the only person of the opposite sex, besides his mom, that he interacted with.

 

“Eh, who cares?” said Justin, “Not my f****n’ problem.”

 

“It’s kinda messed up man,” said Danny, “You know she’s all about him.”

 

“What?” said Justin, pointing at the stage, “I couldn’t hear you over the mob of babbling fools over there.” 

 

“I said it’s kinda messed up because she’s so crazy about him,” said Danny. Every time they talked, all she mentioned was Tyler this, Tyler that. It wore on him, but he was the only person she really had to talk about it. 

 

“Can’t help everyone dude,” said Josh.

 

“I guess,” said Danny, “Can’t stop someone from pain if they think it’s pleasure.”

 

“Wow,” said Josh, opening up his lunchbox, “Glad we had Picasso here to give us such enlightened words.”

 

“You mean Plato?” said Danny.

 

Josh paused. “What the f**k ever.” 

 

The cheer squad only continued to make more and more noise as the captain of the squad, which every boy in the school gawked over, rallied everyone around while the varsity basketball team climbed onstage to have leis placed around their necks. 

 

“Man Josh, makes you wish baseball had cheerleaders, doesn’t it?” said Justin, “Then these girls might actually pay attention to you!”

 

The whole quad, including the principal, vice principal, and athletic director clapped and cheered as they walked offstage and out of campus to an awaiting bus. The cheerleaders kept putting on a show to advertise tickets to the game at a discounted student rate.

 

“So what do you guys think?” said Justin as he took a bite of a ham and cheese sandwich that was clearly slapped together 30 seconds before he walked out the door for school.

 

“About what?” said Danny. His stomach was too full from stuffing himself with that cake, and he couldn’t fit another morsel in his stomach.

 

“Being a cheerleader,” said Justin.

 

“What about it?” said Josh. He was working on his third Gatorade of the day and chewing on a protein bar. 

 

“Well I think of it like this,” said Justin, chewing on his sandwich, “You wake up every day. Mom’s got breakfast going. Dad’s getting ready for work. Or the other way around. It’s the 21^st century, I don’t judge. Anyway. You get up, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Ready to go educate yourself and work toward a better future. All that jazz. And then you get to school, where you’re supposed to go out and achieve all of that proverbial jazz. Instead you get paraded around in a 2-inch skirt like a piece of meat to advertise for a game nobody gives two s***s about.”

 

“Yeah, what’s your point?” said Danny, “They don’t seem to mind-”

 

“And then,” said Josh, “To top it all off, nobody ever pays any attention to who you actually are as a person, and most of ‘em end up crying their eyes out in the bathroom in-between classes because nobody will treat like a human being. It’s fucked up, man.”

 

“They cry in-between classes?” said Danny.

 

“Seen it myself dude,” said Justin, “Cam warned me about it before we started this year, but I didn’t believe it, or hear it, with my own eyes. Damn sound would put a foghorn to shame.”

 

“That’s sad,” said Danny.

 

“Yeah well, didn’t you say something about pleasure and pain?” said Justin.

 

The cheerleading squad finished up their routine and filed off stage, taking up post at a picnic table where an assortment of senior athletes were waiting for them.

 

“Coulda called that,” said Justin, taking another resentful bite, “Josh, why don’t you ever go over there? You’re a dumb jock too! ‘Bout time you grew some hair on that chiseled chest of yours.”

 

Josh looked over at the group. “Yeah, real funny. I’m a freshman, remember? No shot.”

 

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” said Justin, “You know, it’s a shame they don’t have rallies like this for you guys. Maybe I’d actually pay attention if they did. To the sport I mean.”

 

“Yeah, you said that already,” said Josh, “Appreciate the support bud.” 

 

“I mean, honestly dude,” said Danny, “If that’s what they’re gonna do, its what they’re gonna do. Not like they’re hurting anyone or anything.” Danny’s eyes followed Sydney Panganiban, a girl he had a crush on since the first day of the school year. She was co-captain of the cheer squad, which by default made her miles out of Danny’s league.

 

“You’re still on this?” said Justin.

 

“Yeah,” said Danny, “Girls should be allowed to do what they want. Dress how they want. And not be judged. Josh here has hooked up with half the girls in our grade and nobody seems to care.”

 

Justin rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”

 

“And another thing,” said Danny, “You don’t know if they all have mom and dad and breakfast and all that jazz in the morning. Some of them-“

 

“For s**t’s sake Danny, will you put a sock in it?” said Justin, “I’m trying to eat my lunch in peace without another psychology lesson!” 

 

            “I’m just saying man, not everyone is just a flat piece of cardboard- or meat- like you said,” said Danny.

 

“Yeah yeah, shut up,” said Justin, “My point being, I wish you’d put as much effort into trying to psychoanalyze everyone as you do in studying. Maybe you’d shut up a little more and not place in barely-literate math classes with this f****n’ chump.”

 

“Danny has the best grades out of all of us dude,” said Josh, “What are you talking about?”

 

“Yeah well that’s about to change,” said Justin, “Because Danny didn’t study for your math test last night. Instead, he was up playing video games with yours truly.”

 

“Wait, are you serious?” said Josh, turning to Danny, “You didn’t study?”. Josh normally tried to understand just enough of his math homework just to be able to start to solve on problems on test. Luckily for him, he shared a math class with Danny every year since the sixth grade, and strategically placed himself next to his friend for each one. Josh parents could never figure out why his son’s math grades were so much better than his others. 

 

A look of horror came over Danny’s face.

 

“F**k! F**k! F**k!” said Josh as he stood up and threw down his nearly-empty Gatorade bottle. “We’re dead! We’re boned!”

 

“No, we aren’t,” said Danny, “It’s just like the last one when you didn’t study because of baseball practice. Just try to remember all the stuff from the practice quiz and use the posters on the wall that she never covers up for hints. You’ll be fine.

 

“First of all we barely passed that test the last time! I still can’t believe Pearson didn’t see my phone sitting in my calculator tray. Unbelievable” said Josh, throwing his hands on his head. “How are we supposed to remember all thirteen chapters in the next 36 minutes?”

 

Danny’s heart sunk. “Thirteen chapters?” said Justin with a snort, “Good luck. I’ll pray for you when I’m in PE.”

 

“What do you mean, thirteen chapters?” said Danny.

 

Josh walked over and bent over, meeting him face to face. “I mean all thirteen f*****g chapters big boy. Final exam time.”

 

Danny glared. “Finals aren’t for another three weeks, big boy.”

 

“Uh, yeah they normally would be, except for the fact that our lovely teacher is going to be in Cancun the week of finals and has to give the exam early,” said Josh.

 

“Cancun? What? She can’t do that?” said Danny, standing up “Can she do that? She didn’t even tell us!”

 

“Oh no, she definitely did,” said Josh, “Told the whole class, except we weren’t there.”

 

“Why?” said Danny.

 

“Because that was the day Pearson sent us to the office for switching desks every time she turned her back, remember? Like the third week of school?” said Josh.

 

 “Uh, hang on,” said Danny, “That was you that did that! Not me! I didn’t even touch a chair, I just got blamed for it!”

 

Josh rolled his eyes. “Potato, potato.” 

 

Justin looked up with a mouthful of the last bite of his sandwich. 

 

“That was you guys?” said Justin, “Everyone in my 5^th period P.E. class heard about that while it was happening.”

 

“Of course it was us, who else would it be?” said Josh, “That schmuck Michael Fernandez that thought it was funny to put stink bombs in every stall in the girl’s bathroom?”

 

“Yeah that was dumb,” said Justin.

 

“Focus!” said Danny, starting to pace, “What are we going to do? We already failed one test this year, if we fail the final, say goodbye to playing video games all night and say hello to summer school!”

 

“F**k!” said Josh, “I don’t know! Pull the fire alarm? Get the whole campus thrown off so it’s not suspicious?”

 

Danny rolled his eyes. “Seriously? Are we twelve? And do you want to get kicked off the baseball team? There’s camera’s all over this place, we’d never get away with it. I’m trying to get out of taking a test, not start a county-wide incident!”

 

“Damn it!” said Josh, “What if we make ourselves throw up in the bathroom and go to the nurses’ office?”

 

“Yeah,” said Danny, “I saw 21 Jump Street last summer too, Josh. It didn’t work in the movie, and it ain’t gonna work now. How can she do this anyway? Can’t they make a sub come in to give the test?”

 

Justin shook his head. “Nah, the same thing happened to me last year. I checked in the state educational codes, she can administer the test up to 30 days before the final day of instruction.”

 

“Well I’m so glad we have Judge Judy here with us,” said Danny.

 

Justin scoffed, “You’re welcome, a*****e.”

 

Danny paced back and forth while Josh breathed into the paper bag he brought his sandwich in. 

 

“F**k dude,” said Josh, almost in tears, “There goes my summer. And summer league. And I probably won’t even make the team next year. I think I’m gonna be sick to my stomach.”

 

Every so often in a person’s life, they acheive moments of clarity in which the curtain of space and time resting in the cosmos is pulled back, and the innerworkings of the universe are revealed for them to see, leaving them with complete understanding and confidence on how to proceed with their lives. For Daniel Gordon McAbee, this would be the first time in his life he experienced this clarity. And it would be lifesaving.

 

Danny froze. The entire quad ebbed before him into slow-motion, leaving him in his own spatial plane separate from all the rest. Separate from Josh. Separate from Justin. Separate from the anime kids and the rest of the hacky sack crew. Separate from Sydney Panganiban. Separate from the specter of his final exam that lied in the future. All at once, it froze. And all at once. It came rushing back to him like a river.

 

“Oh now what’s your f*****g problem?,” said Justin.

Danny turned around and placed his gaze on the exact spot that held the key to his destiny. The gallon of milk Mrs. Fernandez gave to him was sitting patiently underneath the bench Justin and Josh were sitting on. He walked over and grabbed it. Without even a second thought, he removed the seal, popped the cap off of it, and braced himself with one foot on the bench.

 

“Danny,” said Justin, “What the f**k are you-“

 

He lifted the jug of milk to his lips, its gallon of milky whiteness waiting to bombard his mouth, and held it to the sky. 

 

“What the f**k dude,” said Justin, “Knock it off. What are you doing?”

 

“I’m getting sick just looking at this,” said Josh.

 

Gulp after gulp, Danny forced the milk down his throat into his stomach. It felt like eternity. To his dismay, Danny finally opened his eyes to see that the milk wasn’t even halfway gone yet. He had to press on. Josh and Justin turned away in disgust, making enough noise to get the attention of those in the immediate area. 

 

A small group formed around him to watch this show of gluttony. At first it was just their hacky sack team and the rest of the anime club that joined them during lunch. Then a couple kids from the school newspaper that were reporting on the rally took notice. Everyone within earshot of the students’ cries of laughter and horror gathered around. The crowd grew to nearly thirty, and then one lone student made the call. 

 

“Hey, look at this kid, he’s chugging a gallon of milk! He’s the milk man!”
 

A member of the football team that saw Danny from across the quad alarmed everyone in the school to what Danny was doing. Soon, what seemed like the entire student body surrounded Danny in a massive circle. People were grossed out. People were laughing. People were pulling out their phones and posting it on Snapchat. 

 

“Milk Man! Milk Man! Milk Man!”

 

The chorus rang out like that of an Athenian tragedy and permeated throughout the entire school. Ricocheting off of buildings and drawing the attention to all those near. Including the Vice Principal.

 

“Milk Man! Milk Man! Milk Man!”

 

The jug was beginning to get light. Danny was so focused and so bombarded with milk that he didn’t even notice the crowd around him until the milk was all gone. He pulled the jug away from his mouth and opened his eyes. The chant stopped, and dead silence surrounded him as the entire school had their eyes locked on him. Josh was peering through a crack in his hands that covered his entire face. Justin had his phone out and was documenting every second of his friend’s triumph.

 

He was confused. He was mortified. Shantel Panganiban was in the front row. He was full. Really full.

 

In triumph, Danny smiled and slammed the jug of milk on the ground. The students erupted in cheer and started the chant one more time.

 

“Milk Man! Milk Man! Milk Man!”

 

He spun around and looked at his admirers with glee. They cheered and clapped and laughed and held looks of disgust on their faces all at the same time while marveling in Danny’s gross achievement. He was an absolute rock star and would go down as a legend loved by all.  That is, until a giant hiccup came erupting out of his gullet. A collective “ew” rang out from the crowd and everyone dispersed. 

 

“Bro, you’re a f*****g madman. I wish Corey was here to see it,” said Justin, sticking his phone camera in his face, “This is totally going on Twitter.”

 

“I need an antacid just watching it,” said Josh, “Why did you do that?”

 

“I-“

 

“That was very impressive young man,” said the Vice Principle as he approached the three boys with the school’s security guard in tow, “Now go on over to the Health Office, because you’re not going to be feeling very well sooner rather than later.”

 

“But he-“

 

“Now,” said the Vice Principal.

 

Danny began his solemn march to the academic equivalent of the gulag- the school’s Administration Buidling. The school’s security guard escorted him in a walk of shame usually reserved for the most nefarious and malicious members of the student body. Danny thought he was going to go home in a blaze of glory and get enough time to study for the test. 

 

And then he felt the rumble.

 

His stomach began to churn like a cement mixer as his gastrointestinal tract rejected the gallon of emulsion he drowned it with. First a heave. Then a full throat.

 

He was on the edge of glory.

 

Panicking, Danny scanned his surroundings for a garbage can to let his load loose in, to no avail. This was it. He was going to be a laughing stock at school forever. Barf bucket. Vomit Vick. UpChuck. The names he was going to be called were churning around in his head almost as much as his intestines were. He could never set foot on campus again. Finally, destiny answered his call.

 

“Oh hi Danny,” said a voice behind him, “Are you ready for the test next period?”

 

Danny turned around to see Mrs. Pearson walking straight at him. Upbeat. Happy. A strut in her step and a stack of papers, which could only be the test she was about to proctor, in her hand. She was innocent, and completely unaware of the horror that was about to rain down onto her. 

            

Danny looked at her, his eyes wide. She stopped right in front of him.

 

“Are you ok?” she said, “You don’t look so we-“

 

Danny’s stomach lurched, and his mouth opened, sending the gallon of milk that he had just forced into his stomach back up like a cannon. Unable to control himself, Danny bent over and involuntarily aiming his payload right at Mrs. Pearson’s shoes. He continued spouting the liquid for several seconds, with much relief to himself, and absolute terror to his victim.

 

When he finally finished, he stayed bent over trying to catch his breath and spitting the remaining chunks out of his mouth. Mrs. Pearson was nearly hyperventilating, and in shock. Eventually she let out a scream so blood-curdling, there was rumors for years that they heard it at the high school on the other side of town.

 

“Holy f*****g s**t!” said Justin, “Danny just blew chunks all over Pearson’s shoes!”

 

“I think I might join him,” said Josh, gagging.

 

“Go for it,” said Justin, “That’s what she gets for failing me last semester!”

 

Author's Note

Any feedback is welcome and encouraged!