Depression taking over. (Long story)

Story about my life , how I became worst and couldn't get any better. Still facing this , till the end. I guess..

I grew up being in a average family. Growing up wasn't hard as I had my family taking care of me and I really appreciate their love. I had no father at the age of 1 , he left me and my mother. My mother became a single mother after that , she worked hard and she still is working hard for our future. Life wasn't hard for all of us in a happy family but as soon as I turn 15. It all went downhill. Family business started to fail , family arguments and lack of money but just enough to survive. I was just 15 but I then started to truly understand how hard is it to survive in this cruel world. You know , growing up wasn't that bad but it sucked. It really did.

At the age of 17 , I met this girl from a friend who knew this girl from Tinder (Dating App). I thought it was ridiculous to date someone that was my friend's online date. After a while knowing this girl , we fell in love with each other and I felt like I could've trust this person as I had trust issues. In the relationship , we were happy together for the first few months. You know , knowing her was the best thing that ever happened to me. I trusted her because I 'thought' she was the one and I said to myself that I will definitely , be marrying this girl in the late future because we were young back then. She was perfect for me , we had so many similarities. We dated for a solid 10-11 months if I'm not mistaken. In between the relationship , it all changed. As I started to have hatred and love at the same time in me , I felt insecure and I overthink a lot about negative stuff. All because she started hanging out with other guys and come home late at night (We did not live together but we were always informing each other when and what we were doing). I felt weird , like I trusted her but she came home having hickeys on her body and sometimes the neck (We were also always video calling on Skype). I then broke up with her after knowing she went out with her ex for a 'sexy time' and lied to me saying that she had class.  She did not care about how I felt. Never did.. 

(There are many more things that happened but writing this is just killing me more , I am sorry)

I did not ask for anything. Nothing.. I just wanted her to tell the truth. I cry and cry , every single day. Knowing that she might be cheating on me. All the trust issues came back to haunt me. I had many thoughts of killing myself and I would just keep myself , in a locked room dying slowly. I tried my best to , but failed. Note that I had depression when I was 12 , I started overthinking a lot.. about negative things that shouldn't be in a 12 year old's mind. It became worse after the breakup. I then started cutting myself everyday at the age of 15 , till I almost needed stitches for my cuts.

HATRED grew inside of me. Now , it's stuck in me forever. I cried a lot , I still do.

All I wanted to do , was kill myself. I still want to. But sometimes a part of me inside wants me to be happy. I can't though , because I will be stuck with this hatred and depression till the day I die. I know that for sure. It won't be better because whenever I try to be happy , I just get this vibe where I will hate everyone and hate myself. I'm sorry to everyone reading this now. But all I want to say is , never trust anyone easily as the world is full of hatred and cruelty because in the end. You will be facing people which are cruel and trust me , they do not care about feelings. No one does. I'm done.. all I am left with , is the hate in me. 

Author's Note

Sorry if my grammar isn't that good , I apologize in advance. Also , this is my first true story. I am just doing this for the sake of expressing my feelings.

Reviews

[Sapientiam]

This is truly a sorrowful story and you have great courage in telling it. Sometimes, expressing the thoughts that continue to eat us alive can be the best way to recover. Like you, I have conflicting trust issues. I have the naive issue of trusting everyone and always seeing the goodness in people. But, I also evaded people, knowing that my giving kindness would be used against me. In times when we feel as if life and spinning downwards and humanity fails us stop to remember that everyone has a raging battle of good vs evil in them. No one is one-sided in this world. We also must remember to be better than those who have hurt us. While the pain of break-ups will never go away, don't allow hate to consume you. Stooping lower than them is the natural answer but one we musn't choose. Just think about who you want to be, who you want to mean to others. The reason why my often invasive cynical nature hasn't made me bitter is because I rely on the hope and reality that there are those that are willing to change, those who are pure and wouldn't hurt me or others. That goodness is what keeps me alive, and that is also why I still give my kindness to others. However... These words are coming from someone who doesn't have depression, or any psychological disorder. Though, I know from experience that life isn't made by the dark, cruel moments. It's made by how resilient we are, how much we are willing to get up and move on, despite the pain or trauma. Life can be beautiful when we take the time to appreciate the short-lived joys in it. ^ ^