UPPER PLATFORM, ROSSLYN METRO STATION

One of a series of poems about my commute. I'm not satisfied with the final two lines so welcome some critical comments. I wanted to convey an irrational positive feeling for that moment.

De-training on the upper platform

commuters sprint
from the downward escalator

Their broken formations

rush toward the closing doors of the Orange Line
with the same desperation
as Greeks storming the walls of Troy

My escalator’s steady ascent

toward the light
converges with three beautiful women
who descend opposite
like the daughters of Demeter assigned to the Underworld.

I could be as Orpheus and rescue them

but they don't seem to need rescuing

and for that matter

I'm not much with a lyre

Instead, today is the day

when I break the surface

enter into the light

and know my good fortune is enough
to buy that winning lottery ticket.

Reviews

[Rita L. Sev]

I like the musings here - "like the daughters of Demeter assigned to the Underworld..." - an interesting analogy. I think the concept in the last lines is good - the idea that there's always something to look forward to... though I might take out the word "winning", giving the sense of hope, with a little mystery - will he be lucky with this, too?

[rutherford]

Thanks Rita. Good thought to drop winning.

I had a sudden flush of irrational excitement going up the escalator that day and was helped I'm certain by seeing three beautiful women.

[Joyce S. Greene]

Sounds like a better bet than falling in love with three women you don't know when you're already married, rughterford. lol Good luck with that - you never know! Nice description of urban life. I wouldn't live in a big city for any amount of money!.

[Michael G. Smith]

Reading this touched me into ways. The first as I began to read I kept hearing in my head "Mind the gap!" and second the last line made me laugh out loud. The overall style seemed a very sterile, a clinical observation and then last line really revealed your whole thought process of that moment you sliced out of life onto this page. The given warmhearted chuckle was like a cherry atop some cream.

[rutherford]

Thanks M.G. I spent so much time commuting that I tried to use it as an opportunity to observe the world the world and describe it differently.

[Michael G. Smith]

Where do you reside?

[rutherford]

Washington DC area

[Michael G. Smith]

Oh, okay. Never been, but my wife has.

[Tam Warink]

You've just ascended up from the depth of Hades; isn't that winning enough? What's irrational is that you seem to think that these exercises will help you preserve your sanity. Well, I'm here to tell you it ain't gonna work... suck on that hope-flavored lollypop and enjoy the taste of the iridescent sparkle it leaves on the tongue. So much for meter and rhyme.

[Pryde Foltz]

I might add something like---there's more than one way to get lucky. I quite liked the movement on this one. You captured that rush for the morning train very well and then time slows down at the sight of beauty. But why three?

[rutherford]

Thanks Pryde, good thought. I think this one will gnaw at me a while longer until I can find the right words.

[rutherford]

PS, I wish I cold offer greater meaning but there's no symbolism to the three -- just a literal observation that I saw three beautiful women that day on the down escalator.